Green M&M’s

In the beginning of our infertility journey, I stumbled upon a lot of blogs recommending you be your own advocate…& we though we were…until we realized we weren’t.

The BIGGEST thing I like to stress to others going through this rocky ride of infertility is this: BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!!!!!

Having undergone 3 failed IUIs & 2  failed IVFs, only to later find out I had endometriosis & become pregnant on my own with the help of Femera & The Stork OTC, I cannot stress that enough.

During our last appointment with our old RE, we asked him about a lot of things.

What were our chances?

2% on our own.

Why was my egg quality not up to par?

“Research hasn’t gotten there yet.”

What could we do to improve it?

“Nothing, unfortunately. Have you thought about looking into adoption?”

Asking him about the fertility diet & an extra shot I’d read about that worked for another lady who underwent several IVFs that finally had success,

“You may as well go home and eat green M&M’S because that’ll do about the same thing for you.”

Little did we know at the time, he seemed to only want our green M&M’s….dollar sign edition.

I was never once asked if I’d been checked for endo. I was never once asked if I had symptoms of endometriosis. They found my husband’s low morphology & they focused on that, without looking further into possible issues in my body as well.

When I started seeing a new gyno, I told her about my period pain & our fertility struggles. She recommended I have a laparoscopy & I agreed…just before it, I almost canceled because I thought my periods weren’t that bad &, surely, by now if I had it someone would have asked. Someone else would have suggested it by now.

I was wrong.

Groggily waking up form anesthesia, I asked my husband what they’d found….all the while thinking he was going to tell me nothing. I was wrong.

He said something to the effect of, “Well you have it. It was stage 2 but she burned it out.”

I just stared at him. I couldn’t believe it. After all we’d been through this, THIS, could have been the reason for all the miserable failures.

After that, my OB put me on Femera beginning the second cycle after the lap. I’d seen The Stork OTC advertised somewhere and thought WTH, can’t hurt. So we tried it for the first time that month. It failed. And then I reluctantly to try another cycle of Femera, along with two more kits the wonderful people at The Stork OTC sent me in the mail.

& the unthinkable happened.

We got pregnant.

Unfortunately, as you’ve read if you follow this blog, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. However, that is no testament to the product. Quite the opposite really. If anything, it proves how beneficial the product can be in treating infertility at home. If The Stork worked for us after all of our very expensive failures, I’d recommend it to anyone. A reproductive specialist may tell you that you may as well eat green M&M’s but, just remember, they’re also getting a lot of your green M&M’s.

If you think something isn’t right in the care you’re receiving, speak up. Say something. Get a second opinion. Ask questions. & try the, “green M&M’s.”

They can’t hurt & they’re a whole hell of a lot cheaper.

In closing, BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If something doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it’s probably not.

 

Fun fact: If you order The Stork through Target online, you can currently save 25%

Bittersweet

Mine were just in reverse.

Tuesday, after 3 years since seeing a positive pregnancy test, a miracle-I don’t know what else to call it-occured. I squinted down, more than once, to see, “Pregnant, 1-2 weeks,” which was right on par with where I should be.

The next morning, after being told the night before that mamaw was improving, I got a phone call. She passed away.

I lost my best friend in the entire world Wednesday.
The person who made me who I am, loved me when I wasn’t very lovable, took care of me when I was sick, talked about me constantly to friends and family, & watched I Love Lucie with me entirely too late most nights growing up.
There are no words.
I will always love you Lucie…forever your Ethel 👵🏽❤️❤️❤️❤️

The first night of visitation was today & it was also the best & worst day of my life. It was the best because, this morning, we went to a local lab to get a second HCG that, not only doubled, but quadrupled. The number was 87! It was the worst because it was the first day I had to say goodbye to my best friend. My rock.

When I said goodbye to her tonight, I did find solace in that, when I started crying for the thousandth time today, I heard her say, “Don’t cry, sissy.” It’s something she always said to me…even though my heart is completely shattered, I know she would be so happy I, hopefully, won’t have to do any more fertility drugs & that we finally, hopefully, got our miracle baby. That’s what she would want.

I hate that I never got to tell her & she will never get to meet them here but I find solace in that God gave us our baby at the perfect time and also that I like to believe she played a part in it.

“You were like my mother. You were my best friend. You’re everything I wanna be & all the good inside of me thats never been. Never be another, love me like you did. My grandmother, my angel.”

_________________________________________________________________

Back to the numbers, what do my infertility ladies think on that????Are they good??? Do they look like we’ll avoid an ectopic or miscarriage???? Any thoughts appreciated……

Again, if you have me on social media, please do not mention this until after we announce. I’ve been through hell in all the infertility treatments and planned about 399238403 different announcements. lol

It Is Well

“& through it all

through it all

my eyes are on you

& through it all

through it all

it is well”

After fully mourning all of our treatment failures, I’ve always believed that, someway somehow, we’d become parents one day.

Growing up, I watched a lot of Joyce Meyer & something she said has always stuck with me in the midst of hard times: “God will give you double for your trouble.”

That’s what I’ve told myself to maintain my sanity in all of this. In a world where seemingly every strung out addict, child abuser, & teenager can get pregnant when you can’t, you start to doubt things. You start to wonder why. You think that maybe, just maybe, you can’t have children because you’d be a terrible mother.

I held onto hope that, in some form, I’d get to be a mom to some pretty special kiddos. Was it easy to always believe this? NO!!! Of, course not. There were times when you may as well have told me pigs were finally flying. I’d heard promises, enough of, “I believe this one is gonna be it for you!” Especially, in the midst of fertility drugs...especially then. Do not try to be overly positive or talk sense into a woman pumped with a shit load of hormones. Just don’t do it.

While we’ve done two cycles of Femera recently & have an upcoming appt with a new RE to discuss doing an FET with our 1 snow baby, we entered the world of foster care. Going in, I became fully prepared to parent someone else’s child & give them back. I prepared for partnership with birth parents, visitations, the whole shebang. Even though we went into this in hopes of adoption, we doubted it would come to us soon. We believed that, after fostering a few kiddos, a situation where adoption became the plan would present itself. But we never believed it would be the first thing that came along.

A few weeks ago, we were asked to do respite for a seven month old baby boy. We had him for a few days & our worker checked in to see how it was going with him several times (which seemed strange at the time considering she hadn’t done that with the last respite placement). Yesterday, when he’d be returning to his foster home soon, she text me again asking about him. I told her it had went really well & mentioned that his foster mom had told me his goal would soon be adoption and her family couldn’t adopt him as they are much older. I let her know we were interested in adopting him if possible. And then it happened….she told me that had been her plan all along & she felt it would be a great fit!!!!! She even told me she’d spoken to her supervisor about it who also felt it would be a good fit for all involved.

For now, we’re just waiting to be officially approved-something our worker said should hopefully happen this week. When that happens, we can talk about how baby boy will be transitioned to our home.

We are over the moon excited & praying all works out. We feel this would be the perfect situation for us as bio mom has already TPR-ed (terminated parental rights) & bio dad is expected to have his done next month since he hasn’t followed through with requirements at all at this point.

I for one won’t be able to breathe until this is all said & done. Just trying to contain my excitement.

So now we wait….something I’m still not very good at, at this point.

If you pray, please send prayers up for our situation please!!

“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” ~Isiah 61:7

Becoming Mama

Not much in my life has happened the way I planned, the way that I thought it would. Becoming a mama was no different.

Growing up & well into my adult life, I thought it would happen the way it usually does. I’d meet someone I loved, we’d get pregnant, &,  you know the rest. As it turns out, for me anyway, that’s not the way it happened at all.

Three years ago, I miscarried. Until that moment, things had went according to plan. When I looked down at the squinter of the only pregnancy test I’d ever seen with two pink lines (minus the other I took the next day just to be sure),  it was, in that moment, I thought I’d become a mother. And then I had a second blood draw at the gynecologist to hear that my levels weren’t rising. While they were suppose to be doubling daily, mine were remaining stagnant. Soon after, I started bleeding during a night class. I went in the next day for more blood draws &, later that day, I’d hear it. I’d be told that my levels were dropping & I was having a miscarriage. My heart literally sank to my feet while Oceans played in the background. I use to love that song….until it sang silently in the background while I was being told my world was falling apart.

Fast forward to meeting & falling in love with my husband. While we’d thought we would get pregnant fairly easily, it seemed we were mistaken. After some testing & several very invasive treatments, our journey to parenthood remained a flashing access denied.

When we embarked on this journey toward fostering, we never dreamed that a child would come into our home & so quickly become attached to us. Never dreamed that, after twenty four hours, they’d look to us as parents & refer to us as such. I believe it was the second day kiddo was with us when I heard it. He looked up at me because he wanted something &, before I noticed him doing so, let it out. “Mama!”

I froze. Initially, I was sure I’d have to create an age appropriate explanation as to where mama was….& then I realized it…he wasn’t asking for his birth mom. He was referring to me.

It was in that moment that I feel like I became a mother. In the worldly sense anyway. Having a miscarriage & then losing 4 embabies is a funny thing…you’re not sure what you’re any more. You were almost a mother but not quite…something got in the way. There was a wrong turn & you never really arrived there. Until now.

“A child born to another mother calls me mama. Both the tragedy & the magnitude of that is not lost on me.”

As a foster parent, you never now how long a child will be with you. You never know how long you will be there to keep them safe, or how long their time with you will be. What you do know is that you love these children & you want to do so for as long as you can.

Not much in my life has worked out the way I’d planned…but a few of those unexpected moments have worked out in the most beautiful of ways. I may not have been able to get pregnant naturally, through IUIs, or even IVF’s so far….but it did lead me to fostering. Although I’m new to the game & have much to learn, I am truly thankful for that & excited to give kiddos in great need love in the most challenging of times.

Fostering has not only, after great struggle, made me a mama but also makes my heart beat & sets my soul on fire. I never dreamed I’d say this but I am thankful for the way things have worked out up to this point.

I’m definitely not the person I was three years ago…I hope you aren’t either ❤️

What’s For Dinner?

Family dinners are something I grew up with thanks to my wonderful mamaw. Nearly every single day after school, we’d run down to her house with our backpacks on to see what was on the stove. In my adult life, dinners are still something I very much appreciate & love preparing as it reminds me of good memories from my youth. However, like most people, I’ve found this isn’t always an easy feat. Life gets busy. As a grad student who has also had 20 hours of practicum to complete weekly, plus homework, plus papers to write, PLUS studying for a comprehensive exam, finding the time to prepare food hasn’t always been readily available. As a result, I’ve come to appreciate quick & easy meals that still taste delicious!

Surfing Pinterest last week, I came across the following & tried it out last night-& OMG, was it delicious! Best of all, FOUR INGREDIENTS!!!!!!! It doesn’t get much easier than that!

What you need:

1. Chicken breasts (as many as desired, we did 3 because that’s what we had in the freezer).
2. Basil/Pesto spread
3. Tomatoes
4. Mozzarella cheese

Put 2 tablespoons spread on chicken, top with two tomato slices, then layer cheese. Bake for 50 minutes to an hour @ 400 degrees 😋🍛

I served it with 90 second microwavable rice & 5 minute microwavable brussels sprouts. Not the best options but hey, they’re quick!

Happy dining! 

 

What’s It Really Like To Be A Sugar Baby?

Sugar Baby: “A young female or male who is financially pampered/cared for by a sugar daddy or sugar mama in exchange for companionship (i.e. sexual favors).”     -Urban Dictionary

My husband is 19 years older than me. He makes decent money in an impressive field. I, his 25 year old wife, am a grad. student so I guess you could say I am, “papered/cared for.”

When people who don’t know us see us, I know what they think. When one of his relatives goes on a hate brigade against me claiming that I’m a gold digging whore, I know what they’re thinking.

But I’m also well aware of what they don’t know because they don’t know us (& most certainly don’t  know me, considering we’ve never even met).

So what is it really like to-technically-be a sugar baby?

1. For one, it’s bias.  Some people think they know why we’re together-& their assumptions include anything but love. They assume my husband is loaded & I have dollar signs coming out of my eyes when, in reality, he was financially depleted from hefty alimony & debt payments when I fell in love with him.
2. It’s judgment. Whenever I make a big purchase-or any purchase rather-they assume I pocketed the money from him. The two used vehicles I’ve purchased while I’ve known my husband were assumed to be bought by him when, in all actuality, they came from my bank account. But, apparently, I still, “spend all his money.”
3. It’s a double standard. When my husband buys me something I always have to wonder when it will get back to a certain relative, or ‘friend’ & what else they’ll have to say about me. & I wonder…does this happen in any other marriage when a husband gifts the woman he’s married to? No..it doesn’t. But it happens with us all the time.
4. It’s thinking I have daddy issues. While my daddy & I haven’t always had the best relationship, I can assure you that is not what drove me into the long, big arms of my husband. I married a man that knows how to love all of the time. One that works hard every day in his field and his personal life to be the best that he can be. One that would do absolutely anything to help others out. I didn’t marry a man that strayed from my bedroom to fulfill a gapping hole inside himself. I didn’t marry a man that would rather have alcohol and drugs than have me. I didn’t marry a man that I had to fear would ever leave me.
5. It’s the assumption that one-or both of us-is stupid. My husband has been told a lot of things about me but one in particular was that he’d been, “brainwashed and blinded by that girl.” That girl. Not his wife. Not his lover. Not his best friend….that girl. They assumed that he, a medical physicist, was so ignorant that he couldn’t see what was happening in his own life. & that assumption goes both ways. It could also be assumed that I am so ignorant I’m not aware my husband married me because he wanted a trophy wife. A pretty little thing to put up on a shelf & brag about but not love…both of which couldn’t be further from the truth.
6. It’s the belief that I have nothing more to offer my partner than a piece of a**. Vice versa, it assumes that is all he is looking for.
7. It’s the premise that our marriage is less than solely based upon our age gap.
8. It’s harassment. While I sincerely hope this is not the case for everyone in a relationship like ours, it has, unfortunately, been for me. It’s rude, snide comments on a Facebook update. It’s attacking me for a joke my spouse & I share with each other that they know nothing about. It’s informing my husband that they don’t want, “that girl,” to so much as look at their son if we’re both at the same family function. It’s, after being deleted from my Facebook, leaving menacing comments filled with hatred on my blog. While the majority of my husband’s family has accepted me & treat me well, there is always a black cloud surrounding those that do not. Those with preconceived  ideas in their minds about who I am & who we are.

Assumption: “A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.”

Assumptions are unfounded, false beliefs. But that doesn’t stop people from holding onto them like a beacon of truth. There are people who may believe an array of things about our relationship. There are also people who will never know the depth of the love we have for each other. There are people who will never get to experience the magnitude of how truly beautiful that is. & I feel sorry for those people.

I also feel deeply sorry for individuals that are so consumed by hatred that they chose our relationship to become their scapegoat.

Joyce Meyer once said, “Hurting people hurt people,” & I’ve found, time and time again throughout my life, that no truer words have ever been spoken.

All in all, people are going to believe what they want to believe about us & our lives. But that doesn’t mean we have to accept their false beliefs as truth. That doesn’t mean their hatred gets to darken our skies.

“People generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for.” ~To Kill A Mockingbird

Live your life. Live in your own truth, whatever that is. & have a great New Year, friends!

Helicopter Husband & Other Looming Thoughts

Scott E. M.: Helicopter fur dad turned helicopter husband!

Last night, I asked if he’d brought popcorn salt for the popcorn. He said, “Oh, no,” to which I replied I can get that.

“NO, NO, NO!” & then RAN to beat me getting up from the couch in my grandma way of doing so lately. Later, when we were going to bed, I walked toward the door-“What are you doing??”
“Locking the door?”
“NO! Bad! Stay right there, I can do it!”
When we were about to walk upstairs, he then places his hands under my arms because, “you were dizzy earlier today!”
That night, I got nauseous..when he asked if there was anything he could get I told him no because we didn’t have any.
“What??”
“Sprite. But that’s okay, I could use my handicap parking pass & ride the scooter around Walmart to get it.”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! You are not leaving the house! I am taking your keys!!”
“Okay, daddy…..just wait till all my social work friends here about this..” LOL

Along with the above conversation, another followed once we were tucked in bed. He told me that he was so worried this wouldn’t work and didn’t want to put too much faith in it. I told him I didn’t want to be too optimistic about it either, for fear of getting hurt even more in the end. Honestly, I feel like the stakes are soooo much higher with IVF than they were for any of the IUIs (not that I am discounting anyone going through those).

With IVF, there’s the obvious ATROCIOUS amount of financial burden. There’s also so much more emotional taxing that’s involved because of the multiple injections daily, more appointments, an actual surgical (in nature) procedure with egg retrieval, not to mention the physical issues that come up!

With all of that being said, the stakes are obviously so much higher for this to work this time around.

If things do not pan out, the question becomes how far are we willing to go?

For me, I feel like I’d be willing to do a frozen embryo transfer if these don’t take this time around. In a few years, I’d be willing to try IVF again but, as we don’t have 8,000 more dollars lying around, it won’t be for a while.The total cost of the IVF was 12, 000. We paid 8,000 & will have a monthly payment of around 500$ after this process is over.

We also only had the money to do this at all thanks, to a windfall that resulted from my injuries in a car accident coming through at just the right time.

The question also becomes, how much am I willing to put my body through in pursuit of this? How many more times do I want to increase my risk of ovarian and breast cancer? How many more times do I want injections for weeks at a time? How many more times will I have egg retrievals and transfers? How many more times am I willing to waddle around for 2 weeks & have my life revolve around this? How many times am I willing to be put into situations that aggravate my PTSD?

I don’t know….I don’t really feel like I can answer that right now…not in a final sense anyway.

I guess we’ll find out at the end of our TWW. I really hope we don’t have to put any more thought into it & get our BFP!

---

Random question for those who’ve undergone egg retrieval: Were you told not to do any heavy lifting afterwards? 

Change Of Plans

Med. wise.

Our nurse called us back Friday afternoon to say that, after our RE reviewed my estrogen levels, they decided to decrease my dose of Gonal-F to 150 instead of keeping it at 250. This freaked me out at first because I worried something was wrong & I was at an even greater risk of developing OHSS. After calming down my hormonal overdrive, I had some brief contact with my sane self. lol Since then, I’ve tried to remind myself that this is WHY they do so many monitoring appointments in the first place-in case meds. need to be adjusted. I also reminded myself that my sister in law, who successfully got through IVF with twins, told me this past weekend they had to up her dose while she was going through treatment.

Tonight was our first injection of Centrotide. It was a little daunting as compared to the Gonal-F pen that was relatively easy. Much more complicated than dialing a pen to the desired dose & being set to go.

For me, this injection burned A LOT more than Gonal-F ever thought about! Not necessarily while going in but it burned (& still is burning) for a while after…my husband googled it & found that someone else had stated, in their experience, this injection burned for an hour afterwards.

How am I feeling today? Tired & still waddling. I also noticed that my headaches from Gonal-F are worsening. Earlier, when it first started, I’d taken 2 Tylenol thinking it would do the trick like it usually had. Nope. Didn’t even phase it. In addition to that, something else new I’ve noticed today is my loss of appetite. I’d read that happens a lot with Gonal-F & it’s hitting me hard today. I am hoping the side effects from the Centrotide will be a little easier on me.

IVF calendar I made us to keep track of all the crazy!

He knows when mama doesn’t feel well…this is the SECOND time he’s laid his big head on my tummy today ❤

IVF Survival Kit

Pinterest.

It’s one of my guilty pleasures. I have pins & albums for damn near everything. Long before I ever got engaged, or married I even had two separate albums filled with images that’d make the most cynical person swoon. Two albums completely dedicated to these two life events I was no where close to experiencing. I also had two more titled Pregnancy & Kiddos. Little did I know at the time I’d need another album before those titled-you guessed it-infertility.

When I joined-err, was thrown into-this club,I tried doing a lot of research (I HATE research!!). In the beginning it mostly about the God awful HSG test & all things IUI. I couldn’t find much of anything on what actual people’s experience was via good ol’ Google (That’s actually one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place) so I tried the never ending story that is Pinterest. &, to my surprise, I found a lot!

One of the Pins I scrolled past early on was a DIY Infertility Survival Kit someone had made for their hubby. I thought the idea was too cute &, since we are both well aware of what a raving bitch fertility drugs can make me, I decided to make my own.

I bought a cheap basket that just so happened to be on sale at Walmart & filled it with things I knew he loved. On each item, I wrote him a quirky IVF themed note.

  Star Wars legos: “For when you need a break….& wish you were a galaxy away.”

 Charlie Brown movie: “For when you need to make hormonal wifey laugh.”

 Sun glasses: “Shades so dark IVF meds can’t find me.”

 Darth Vadar balloons ($2 on Ebay!) “For when you need to remember the force is strong with you (& you can handle my hormones).”

 Camo shirt: “For when you need to hide from the rays of fertility drugs.”

I topped the basket off with a printed love note titled For When You Need To Remember I Love You. 

As fertility meds can make the best of us less than enjoyable, I wanted to give him something to remember the way I normally am. Not a hormonal hyped up mess. lol

If you want to make your own Infertility Survival Kit, it’s fairly simple. Just grab a cheap basket & a few things your person happens to love. Once you have everything, you can write sweet/funny notes on the items & there you have it.

Happy Infertility Survival Kit making, friends!

Sh!t Just Got Real

Sunday night, it happened. We had our last glass of pre IVF wine while watching The Office. Yes, I gave up wine while in the thick of my most challenging semester of grad school yet (Yes, I know what I was thinking. Babies).

The next day, after pinky promising our fertility diet would start the next day (because we’re adults), it was also underway. Thankfully, to my initial surprise, the diet is just an add on to your regular eats. We’re doing the increased water (especially in the morning), one big leafy green salad, & one smoothie a day portion. In addition to that, our fertility clinic recommended we only have two caffeinated beverages a day……& I think that alone will be the most challenging thing for me as far as diet goes. Because grad school lol papers, studying, group projects, practicum…..

water bottle & fertility smoothie on the go

I also bought a lot of fertility super foods yesterday during my grocery run.

&, drumroll, something else also happened yesterday…..earlier than expected but I think that has been par for the course in our infertility journey. I started spotting early (TMI alert) so hubby called our fertility clinic to let them know & order meds. Yes, I said it. ORDER MEDS. All the needles, refrigerated medicines, non refrigerated medicines, vaginal suppositories, (hopefully) a sharps container. It is coming. 

With that being said, if (& we all know the if is irrelevant here LMAO) & when I start acting like a total fruit cake, you’ll all know why.

Also got something else clarified: injections do not start until November 2nd. 

As I was writing this, oddly enough, my husband text me this. He had no way of knowing this was what I was up to seeing as he’s at work and I’m at home for a bit today so I thought it was neat….hopefully it’s a good sign 😉

He says our little nerds will be safe because everyone will want to cheat off of them…I said I would pack them extra, “good,” snacks so they wouldn’t get beat up lol

Lets do this IVF. It’s time to make some (nerdy) little babies.