Let Us Be More

It’s a New Year. With that, as we all know, comes resolutions. An ever popular one of those being, to lose weight. Scrolling through social media, I can’t tell you how many people I’ve came across so far striving to attain that in this next 365 day chapter. I can’t tell you how many truly beautiful women, inside & out, I’ve seen state this as their goal.

As someone who struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade, I can tell you that no amount of satisfaction will ever come from obsessing over your outward appearance. Nothing you gain from it will ever be worth it. In a world constantly telling us to be less, let us be more. Let us make those goals as goals to grow instead of shrink. To do more in the realm of experiences, or community. To be more present in our daily moments & truly enjoy them to their fullest, because the little moments we have every day are everything in the end.

Today has been, mostly, a terrible day for me. I lost my keys. I spilled a box of dog bones. Those pesky tiny ones. They scattered the floor of my pantry. To make matters worse, when I grabbed a handful to put back into the box, the lid was up & they all fell right back out again. I could go on lol So I stepped back from my disastrous morning & thought you know what? I’m gonna treat myself. I need to do something nice for me to make this day okay. So I grabbed a Hershey’s with almonds (my favorite candy bar!) & a hot cup of tea & sank into the couch to write, something I hadn’t had an opportunity to do in quite a while. & I thought….had weight loss been my goal this year, or something I was still obsessed with, I wouldn’t have done that. Who knows, I may have overworked out & then missed the opportunity to step back & take care of myself & acknowledge the morning was just plain hard.

To all the beautiful women I’ve seen post weight loss as a goal, please know that you are truly beautiful & perfect just as you are. The people in your lives love you just as you are. You don’t ever need to be more, or less than the perfect you God created. I love you. Happy New Year!

Mom Life: An Update

Wow, I cannot believe it has been a MONTH since my last post!! &, at the same time, I am laughing at myself for being half shocked at this. Since it has been a hot second since my last post, I wanted to give a bit of an update before I, hopefully, get back to posting more frequently.

Mom life is a busy life, to say the least & put it ever so lightly. We’re, at the end of this month, HALF WAY THROUGH OUR FIRST YEAR, & I am just now getting to the point where I can sneak in a shower…this shower looks like me sitting one of E’s activity chairs outside the shower beside me while I, more frequently than I’d like to admit, rip back the curtain to make sure he’s still doing just fine. Yeah, I’m a crazy person lol

Eli has also newly started entertaining himself for a few bits of time & babbling away. He cries for people & puts his little arms up when he wants to go to them (which is pretty intelligent, if I do say so myself lol), & loves Peppa Pig. He had his first cold starting last week & it has been the saddest thing to watch because I just want to fix it & make him better in an instant…& not give him the breathing treatments he so hates with a passion. Unfortunately, we are still not sleeping through the night yet. We sleep quite terribly actually. lol Feel free to bring me all the coffee!!!

We are still living in Eastern, KY & also still hate it. We’ve came to the conclusion, a few months ago actually, that this just isn’t where we are suppose to be. Our old town felt like our home, despite the fact that we are actually both from here originally, & we’ve been homesick in the worst way. Because of this, we’ve never gotten settled into the new place, are tired of feeling unsettled, & want to go home. We are both  looking for jobs there & hope to get moved back ASAP. We know we will be much happier there, as we were never dissatisfied living there before, & saying Eli will have so much more to do is an understatement. There is literally nothing for children to do here….they have a Gatti Land, for older kiddos, & A FEW parks that hail in comparison to the ones in Lexington….that’s it! No Gymbroee classes, no baby swim classes, no mom/baby groups, no family days, nothing! If I want to run now, I literally have to drive 35 minutes to get to a place to do that. It takes about 20 minutes to get to a grocery store. It’s insane when we were both accustom to being 5 minutes away from everything we needed, or wanted on any given day.

Other than that, I feel like I’m still trying to find some balance in this whole mom thing to find some time for myself. As a social worker, I know self-care is so important but, as a parent, those moments are few & far between. Even so, I think we need to prioritize ourselves sometimes, too. For me, I think going out to dinner with a friend, date night, & a girl day on occasion (&, lets be honest, going to Target because who doesn’t love that? LOL)  will be my go to self-care days. We shall see how that goes since I also never want to leave my tiny human.

To my followers: How have you been?? What’s new??? I know I’m so behind on your posts & feel out of touch with my WordPress fam. Sending love to all of you! Xo

Also, does anyone have any tips on how to sneak in some self-care as a parent, or on improving baby sleep? I’d LOVE to hear it! 

Until then, I’ll leave you with a few pictures of little man 🙂  

2017

I don’t really believe in resolutions anymore, I prefer mantras…it’s like a promise to oneself without the pressure of I MUST DO THIS IN  A YEAR! Or something we tend to forget about three months down the line.

I have a few for this year:

-Make it through childbirth without dying. That one would be good. lol

-Learn to #MomSoHard

-Become a breastfeeding rockstar

-In the midst of caring for a new tiny human & two fur babies, still find some time for myself & not leave self-care out of the mix

-Continue adventuring

-Oh, & kill some CEU’s so my license doesn’t die along the way

That about sums it up for me! What are some of your hopes/goals for 2017??

 

Spring Is (Almost) Here!

&, I don’t know about you, but I’m one excited girl! I’ve had more than enough of winter wonderland this season & am ready to look outside on my flower garden again.

Today, as I was thinking on what to wear for our anniversary photo shoot this Saturday, I started pulling some things together in case my recent order from LJ is a little late.

Here’s what I put together from my closet:

   
 
This would make a perfect Easter, outing, or work outfit (I love outfits with multiple purposes!!!!). 

The skirt is from Entwined, snake skinned flats from GAP, & I am not sure where I came across the top. Also wearing Sephora’s lip stain if anyone is curious about that. 

   
    
 
Thanks, to one of the local artists from my area, I had the perfect backdrop opportunity for a fashion blog post & was not passing that up!

I even took some photography of the piano itself while I was there, it’s such a mesmerizing scene.

   
    
    
    
   
I hope you enjoyed this post, my friends!

&, if you missed the launch of Lauren Jame’s Spring collection yesterday, I highly recommend you check that out! 

Have a wonderful week! 

Infertility Update & Winter Break

My last day of cursed birth control is the 29th, 14 days away that cannot come soon enough!

I’ve always hated birth control. It makes me nauseous, my boobs don’t like it, & I don’t see the point in that dreaded breakthrough bleeding that occasionally happens. It’s like a double or triple period. I don’t want one period so no, thank you. You can take that breakthrough bleeding to the sharks because nobody wants it here.

Unfortunately, as my fellow IVF-ers know, BC is a necessity. A nasty little necessity to get your cycle aligned with the fertility clinic’s schedule.

With our first cycle, my time with BC was no cake walk & came with bouts of nauseous but this time around it has been hell. I still have the waves of nauseous & gag at the tiniest of things that seem to sicken me but I’ve also had soooo much breakthrough bleeding. Like the end of a period type bleeding (TMI, sorry). & mild cramping on top of that. Also, while my boobs have never enjoyed BC, they feel like they are going to explode at any second. They’re killing me! Even when nothing is touching them, they hurt.

Needless to say, I cannot wait for this to be over.

In other news, as I turned in my last assignment for the semester last Saturday, I’m officially on winter break!!! To say that I am excited would be an understatement.

During this time, I’m trying to get in a lot of self-care & do things that I genuinely enjoy before the world of responsibilities & IVF 2 start up again in January.

One thing I love doing that I haven’t had a chance to do this term is photography. I love driving backroads & exploring new sites I’ve never been. With the help of Instagram & the Kentucky hashtag, I’ve actually found a lot of really cool places I never would’ve known about.

 

  
  
  
  
  

For the remainder of my the time I remain shoot-up free from fertility drugs, I plan on just trying to enjoy Christmas. I’ll probably watch a lot of SVU, blog more than I’ve been able to, & serf Pinterest until grad school comes crashing back into my life. I’m also planning to go home early to spend time with my sister & nephew. We’re going to see the movie Sister, which looks totally hilarious by the way, & bake lots of fattening foods…& of, course take 109849859402852748074 of my nephew lol #CrazyAuntie

I hope y’all have a wonderful Christmas/holiday season!!! ❤

Has anyone else experienced a great deal of breakthrough bleeding on BC pills before an IVF cycle?? Did this interfere with your schedule????

“You Just Had To Learn It For Yourself…”

I’m a therapy pusher.

Hey, it’s better than a drug pusher, right??

I think it’s 1 of the best things we can do for ourselves & something I believe everyone should invest in.

As the New Year approaches, I’ve been reflecting on my hopes for that time & also on all I’ve accomplished in this chapter of the journey.

Here’s what I’ve come to accept in a year’s time:

1. We cannot control other people, we can only control how we react to them. Some people aren’t going to respect your boundaries. They are not going to respect you. Respect yourself and take control of how you react to them & take your power back.
2. If you want something to change, change it (when you can). Take ownership of your life.
3. “You cannot save people, you can only love them &, sometimes, that’s enough.” -Perks Of Being A Wallflower
4. Love is real & they really didn’t, “break the mold,” when they made papaw-despite what he told me when I’d say I wanted a man just like him..my husband has shown me that.
5. You are the only one that is going to take care of you. Do it. Stop relying on someone else to do that because nobody else can.
6. Take care of yourself. Did you hear me? Think about how you can take care of you & then actually do it. More of my self-care banter, thank social work.
7. You cannot make anyone else see your value. See it for yourself.
8. You also can’t make anyone else love you…..love yourself, babe.
9. Material things are useless. Make memories instead.
10. Hurting people hurt people. If someone has a problem with you for some unknown reason, chances are, they really have a problem with themselves. Try not to take their hate personally.
11. Forgive for YOU, not for them. Hatred weighs more than you will know & isn’t hurting them at all.
12. Some people will never be sorry & that’s okay…they are at a different place than you are along their journey. They may get there & they may not..this is no reflection of you.
13. Be firm in the boundaries you set & know who you may need to be more guarded with in doing so.
14. Appreciate the small things. Go outside. Be with nature & take time to breathe.

Here’s to 2016. May it be a year full of happiness & new memories….& hopefully babies 🙂 ❤

Gonal-F: Day 3 & 4

I’m a day behind on our IVF update…shocker, shocker (thanks, grad school!).

Yesterday (day 3 of injections):

Sophie Belle was very supportive & did not want to be moved so daddy could stab mommy in the belly again….twice last night 😦 The only bad thing about Gonal-F in the pen: you run out of medicine on the second use of it & then have to resort to being stabbed again. I much prefer it to wasting thousands of dollars of medicine but still. Come on infertility.

How did I feel yesterday?: Sick. Feeling nauseous as all get out, I called our RE’s office to ask the nurse if my symptoms were normal. She answered that I should not be nauseous until next week (joy) & I’d probably gotten a cold…at the perfect time lol

How did Scott do?: He felt bad about stabbing me twice because I’m the biggest baby ever with needles anyway. He did a good job &, after icing up longer this time & making sure the shot sat out at least 30 minutes, it didn’t burn going in last night (Whoop, whoop!!!!!!).

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TODAY (DAY 4 OF GONAL F):

How did I feel today?: Today, I noticed that my ovaries are getting those odd random twinges of pain. Three days in (before tonight’s shot) & I already felt like I was walking like a penguin….this is gonna be an interesting next few weeks.

The shot was the same as last night-we were sure to let it sit out for at least 30 minutes & ice my belly beforehand. No issues & only one stab (yayyy!).

I’m feel more tired than I had but, other than the waddling, all is well. Ultrasound & blood work tomorrow morning!

On a (semi) different note, I got what I promised myself I would for IVF, a mani-pedi! I figure if 3 plus people are going to be looking at my kitty at any given time, why not have pretty toes for the show? lol

Seeing as I’m not allowed to take baths ATM (AKA my favorite thing to destress!!), I’m especially thankful for my, “Me Time,” today.

Prayers & good vibes appreciated for good results tomorrow.

IVF Survival Kit

Pinterest.

It’s one of my guilty pleasures. I have pins & albums for damn near everything. Long before I ever got engaged, or married I even had two separate albums filled with images that’d make the most cynical person swoon. Two albums completely dedicated to these two life events I was no where close to experiencing. I also had two more titled Pregnancy & Kiddos. Little did I know at the time I’d need another album before those titled-you guessed it-infertility.

When I joined-err, was thrown into-this club,I tried doing a lot of research (I HATE research!!). In the beginning it mostly about the God awful HSG test & all things IUI. I couldn’t find much of anything on what actual people’s experience was via good ol’ Google (That’s actually one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place) so I tried the never ending story that is Pinterest. &, to my surprise, I found a lot!

One of the Pins I scrolled past early on was a DIY Infertility Survival Kit someone had made for their hubby. I thought the idea was too cute &, since we are both well aware of what a raving bitch fertility drugs can make me, I decided to make my own.

I bought a cheap basket that just so happened to be on sale at Walmart & filled it with things I knew he loved. On each item, I wrote him a quirky IVF themed note.

  Star Wars legos: “For when you need a break….& wish you were a galaxy away.”

 Charlie Brown movie: “For when you need to make hormonal wifey laugh.”

 Sun glasses: “Shades so dark IVF meds can’t find me.”

 Darth Vadar balloons ($2 on Ebay!) “For when you need to remember the force is strong with you (& you can handle my hormones).”

 Camo shirt: “For when you need to hide from the rays of fertility drugs.”

I topped the basket off with a printed love note titled For When You Need To Remember I Love You. 

As fertility meds can make the best of us less than enjoyable, I wanted to give him something to remember the way I normally am. Not a hormonal hyped up mess. lol

If you want to make your own Infertility Survival Kit, it’s fairly simple. Just grab a cheap basket & a few things your person happens to love. Once you have everything, you can write sweet/funny notes on the items & there you have it.

Happy Infertility Survival Kit making, friends!

Time For Giveaway Two!

Hi, my name is Cesilee & I’m a DIY/Pinterestaholic (It’s a real thing, it’ll probably be in the next DSM :P). I’m also a gift giving addict. Sorry, not sorry-though none of my friends have complained. I’m the person at Christmas who puts mounds of thought into each gift & loves watching other people unwrap their favorite things.

Because I’m a social worker, I am also a fiend for self care. 

Combining both those things, something that has been in the back of my mind in these past few months is my idea of Infertility Survival Kits.

With that idea in mind, I’ve been putting a few things together for my first kit,

What’s included?

–Fun socks! With all the super fun visits to the RE’s office/hospital for appointments & procedures, cute socks always come in handy. Because, lets be honest, who has the time & money (money? what is money in the world of infertility?!?) to keep pedicured toes all the time?

–A set of 3 recycled journals. Infertility comes with a a lot of feels. A lot of feels that damage your day to day functioning if you don’t deal with them. If you don’t acknowledge that they are there & hey, they hurt. They hurt a lot. All the feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, & desperation are much better out of you than inside your head. Get them out.

-A koozie from Lauren James. Who doesn’t need some liquid courage after a BFN?

-Germ X from Bath & Body Works. Not pictured because my current sinus infection is ruling my thoughts ATM.

While this, “survival kit,” was created with infertility in mind, please feel free to enter if you follow my blog for any of these other reasons: eating disorders, depression, anxiety, PTSD.

So, how do I enter??

1. You must be following this blog.
2. Comment with your name & email address.
3. Live in the US for shipping purposes. Sorry, my other followers 😦

That’s a wrap! The winner will be drawn a week from today & be notified by email.

G’luck everyone, hope everyone is having an awesome day!

Game Over IUI: Here’s To Hoping For Our Positive!

This morning was our third & final IUI. Our fertility doc is at the beach (damn him! lol) so his nurse did this one. It was a little worse than last time as far as pain goes. In her defense, however, my PTSD was very awake & moving around my body like a spooked wild animal.

The second she closed the door & it was time to lose my panties, the panic set in. That was it, this was happening.

When she returned, I slid back on the table (that I am all too comfortable with at this point) & tried to let my legs fall apart. They obliged…while my husband held onto one of my sweaty hands.

Since my uterus was playing hide & seek (AGAIN!!!!!) the excavation process started. By the time she found it, she’d already asked if I was okay twice. I got the same question as she was injecting our, “sample,” when I was sporting the cringe emoji face.

On the bright side, as it turns out, Scott had more sperm than he’d ever had today! 16 million!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As we had 7 million starting out, this was no small victory! Side note: since I ordered his fertility blend vitamins from GNC, his count has improved every time!

On the not so bright side, as it was our 3rd & final go at IUI, it was time to talk about what would be next if this time didn’t work…..so got a fun IVF packet. 

IVF scares the hell out of me. Mainly, it freaks me out that there are sooooo many more drugs, needles, & check ups involved when I’ve already had soooo many side effects & PTSD activation with the IUI alone. Also, IVF is actually surgery! It’s done under IV anesthesia in a hospital….for a girl thats already had over a handful of surgeries growing up, that fun fact does not excite me either. Nor does the fact that there is an increased risk of birth defects & multiples.

Oh, & there’s another test I’ll have to have if we have to take this route. An SHG test….I’m still traumatized from HSG, y’all. I do NOT want to have to do anything else.

She went onto say that ICSI (injecting a single sperm directly into the center of the egg) would be our best bet since we’re dealing with male factor infertility. Since I’m under 35 & have a BMI under 32, we have a 76% chance of IVF working for us.

During this time, we also asked about multiple IUI attempts per cycle, as well as blood work for both of us. She replied that our particular center does not offer multiple attempts per IUI due to the fact that, statistically, it did improve chances of success very much. On blood work, she stated that the office only performs it if they’ve looked over your chart & feel you may need it. Since I’ve responded so well to Clomid & always had, “good,” follicles, they don’t see a need for me to do this at this time. However, if our 3rd IUI doesn’t pan out & we have to move onto IVF, blood work would be done then.

Switching gears (somewhat), I am very thankful I’ve went on a self-care binge this week! Yesterday, I got a mani/pedi & today I’m heading to my massage therapist….&, thankfully, my real therapist tomorrow afternoon lol

Two Week Wait, here we go again!

Hopefully, my full week of nannying this upcoming week & our own beach vacation the week after that will make it a little easier this time around 🙂

Fingers crossed!

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