Think Before You Post

As pregnancy & infant loss awareness month is quickly approaching, I urge all those posting fake pregnancy announcements to think before they post.
To 1 in 8 people who struggle with some form of infertility, your post is not funny at all. In fact, it’s downright hurtful.

It’s hard enough as it is for those struggling with infertility to keep seeing the pregnancy announcements of others come & come when they still haven’t had an announcement of their own. While we are happy for our friends, it’s a reminder, time & time again, of what we still haven’t gotten to experience.

This month, & always, I urge you to think before you post. Your post is not funny & has the potential to harm someone you care about.

Lets Save The Boobies & Remember The Babies this month (& always).

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

 

 

The Results Are In

Yesterday did not start like any other day. Scott ALWAYS, not usually-always-gets up before me & heads downstairs to catch up on some TV, while I usually sleep another hour or two. That did not happen yesterday as my family had spent the night beforehand & my snoring dad was passed out in front of the recliner, preventing Scott’s TV getaway.

I got up after I heard my nephew screech a few times-the kid really likes to scream-& headed into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. It read just as it had the last time PREGNANT 1-2. I held my breath a little reading it this time, thinking back to when I’d last seen it just two months earlier.

I clumsily headed toward the bed where Scott was playing on his phone at that point, saying, “happy Birthday, daddy,” since his Birthday is today.

My HCG was already scheduled since we did another round of Femera this cycle. I called this morning to verify & told them what my doctor had said about immediately starting Levonox injections. They told me to come on in to their office &, as long as I got there before lunch, they could draw my blood in the lab there.

Silly receptionist, I was already half ready. I went into the bathroom & had a little bit of dingy colored spotting & thought oh, no. It’s over before it even started again.

Once I got to the office, I walked, okay shuffled my feet, in thinking the worst. Wondering if my HCG would even register still, catastrophizing my numbers would be in the gutter. I told the nurse about the spotting & she went to ask my Dr. about the PIO (progesterone in oil) injection. She gave the go ahead to give it just to be safe due to the spotting.

Through all the fertility treatments we’ve done, I’d never had a PIO injection. Ever. Not one. I’d read horror stories about them. In fact, a friend of mine told me one such horror story just before I headed back this morning. So I was a little nervous. Turns out, it’s not THAT bad. It did feel very strange going on due to the thickness of it & I got a little dizzy/nauseous at that point but it was fine. Mostly, it bothered me afterwards more than anything because it was sore & just plain odd feeling.

3 hours went by, I’d heard nothing. I don’t think the person who calls people with results knew what they were dealing with here. I am a crazy 3 round IUI, 2 round IVF veteran, with a shit ton of Clomid & Femera in between, not to mention the miscarriages, so I was NOT so patiently waiting at home.

I called myself to not so gently remind them that I needed the results. I got a call back from the nurse saying, “Your BETA HCG was positive & she wants you to come back in for a repeat on Wednesday & another progesterone shot.”

I asked what the numbers were and here they are: HCG 62, Progesterone 33.

For me, this is really good because I’ve NEVER had a first HCG that high before. If I’m not mistaken the most recent one was in the 20’s when they drew the first time.

In addition to going back in on Wednesday, they are suppose to call my Levonox injections in as well. I’m also suppose to keep taking the oral Progesterone.

Send us all the prayers/thoughts/good vibes/& everything you have!!!!!!!!

Also, please do not mention this on any social media. We aren’t ready to announce yet &, as I said last time, I have about a million adorable announcements planned. If that alone is not a deterrent enough, I’ve been infertile & on several fertility drugs for a while now, don’t make me cut you 😛

 

Progesterone & Femera

Lets talk effects.

Parroting what I’ve said before about Femera:

-headaches!!!!!

-Mild moodiness (compared to Clomid, everything is mild!)

-BLOATING, LOTS OF BLOATING

Progesterone:

-BLOATING!!!

-EXHASTION!!!!!!!!!!! My Dr. had warned me to take this at night as it does make you drowsy….I think drowsy is a very mild for it. I feel like I could have slept through an earthquake with this stuff!! Not to mention just being exhausted in general throughout the day.

-Acne +

So.much.bloating.

We’re 6 days away from finding out if our latest attempt worked out. Until then, I keep popping my Progesterone & Aspirin.

Whoop, whoop! 

More Answers

I got a call from my doctor’s office today about the blood work I had done two weeks ago.

The nurse started off with (after the initial hello, I’m ___ from Dr.___ office), “Well, overall, everything came back normal.”

& my heart sank because I thought we hadn’t gone anywhere. I thought, after all of this time, we still had no answers.

But she continued.

“You do have a blood clotting factor. So she wants you to go ahead & start taking a baby Aspirin, about 87 mgs, daily before you even get pregnant. When you do get pregnant, call us back immediately & we’ll start you on a blood thinner injection called Levonox.”

Poor girl went on to try to assure me the shots weren’t he bad &, “we’ll show you how to do them,” until I chimed in with, “after all the shots i’ve had for IVF, I’m sure it’ll be nothing.”

I was probably the most ecstatic person a medical professional has ever informed they had a blood clotting issue that would require further treatment. I AM OVER THE MOON!!!!!

I’m sure if you are, or have ever been where I’ve been, you get it. After a miscarriage, two miserable/hellacious/insert all other synonyms for terrible here, rounds of failed IVF, on top of the 3 preceding IUIs, then the laprosocpic surgery, & then the oh, wait-miracle baby…just kidding, I am past ready to know why. 

&, after the worst summer of my life that has consisted of nothing but bad news, I was well over due for some good today. I needed some hope. I haven’t seen any in a while & it is much welcomed.

I’m hoping that this was the reason I’ve miscarried around the same time in both pregnancies & that, FINALLY, we will be able to stop it. Hopefully.

Be hopeful with me friends!!!

&, again, I’ll jump back on my soapbox for a minute to reiterate:

• If you ever feel you aren’t getting the care &/or attention you need, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!! I REPEAT, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!! If you want something done, ASK FOR IT!!!!! Bring up your concerns & how you’d like them to be addressed!!! I.E. me asking for blood work
• Lastly, as hard as it is with infertility & all its hell/absence of glory, don’t lose hope. After all, some Disney movie says miracles happen all the time……

 

My snapchat update of the day to all my friends (thanks, for limiting my words & forcing me to resort to drawing them like a 2 year old again Snapchat. Not cool).

Bless her heart, one friend responded, “oh, no!!” To which I quickly replied….

Don’t feel bad…I just said wow in my own head as well.

TMI Fertility Post

Well, another TMI fertility post that is.

This week, I noticed some thick egg white discharge when I’ve been in the bathroom. On one occasion, there was quite a lot & it looked pretty thick & was very sticky.

Why am I sharing this graphic information??

Well, I found out I was miscarrying a little over two weeks ago. Since then, I never expected my cycle to fall back into rhythm so quickly. I’m hoping that the TMI above is a sign that my body is already back in gear & everything will go as planned (for once).

My gyno predicts I’ll reconnect with my period around the 25th. When I do, I’m suppose to call her for another round of the infamous Femera (which is totally not so bad in comparisons to her bitch ass cousin Clomid).

After that, we plan on using two more of The Stork OTC’s this coming cycle since they worked so well for us before. In summary, The Stork, with the help of Femera, was able to get us pregnant when 3 IUI’s & 2 rounds of IVF with ICSI could not. To us, that says something. A lot actually.

Until then, I’ll just be hanging out anxiously awaiting the results of my 13 vials of blood for recurrent miscarriage. If you pray, please throw a few up that they found something there. Finding an issue that’s fixable would make me feel much more confident for what lies ahead in the future.

If you’re still reading this, wish us luck!!!

Green M&M’s

In the beginning of our infertility journey, I stumbled upon a lot of blogs recommending you be your own advocate…& we though we were…until we realized we weren’t.

The BIGGEST thing I like to stress to others going through this rocky ride of infertility is this: BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!!!!!

Having undergone 3 failed IUIs & 2  failed IVFs, only to later find out I had endometriosis & become pregnant on my own with the help of Femera & The Stork OTC, I cannot stress that enough.

During our last appointment with our old RE, we asked him about a lot of things.

What were our chances?

2% on our own.

Why was my egg quality not up to par?

“Research hasn’t gotten there yet.”

What could we do to improve it?

“Nothing, unfortunately. Have you thought about looking into adoption?”

Asking him about the fertility diet & an extra shot I’d read about that worked for another lady who underwent several IVFs that finally had success,

“You may as well go home and eat green M&M’S because that’ll do about the same thing for you.”

Little did we know at the time, he seemed to only want our green M&M’s….dollar sign edition.

I was never once asked if I’d been checked for endo. I was never once asked if I had symptoms of endometriosis. They found my husband’s low morphology & they focused on that, without looking further into possible issues in my body as well.

When I started seeing a new gyno, I told her about my period pain & our fertility struggles. She recommended I have a laparoscopy & I agreed…just before it, I almost canceled because I thought my periods weren’t that bad &, surely, by now if I had it someone would have asked. Someone else would have suggested it by now.

I was wrong.

Groggily waking up form anesthesia, I asked my husband what they’d found….all the while thinking he was going to tell me nothing. I was wrong.

He said something to the effect of, “Well you have it. It was stage 2 but she burned it out.”

I just stared at him. I couldn’t believe it. After all we’d been through this, THIS, could have been the reason for all the miserable failures.

After that, my OB put me on Femera beginning the second cycle after the lap. I’d seen The Stork OTC advertised somewhere and thought WTH, can’t hurt. So we tried it for the first time that month. It failed. And then I reluctantly to try another cycle of Femera, along with two more kits the wonderful people at The Stork OTC sent me in the mail.

& the unthinkable happened.

We got pregnant.

Unfortunately, as you’ve read if you follow this blog, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. However, that is no testament to the product. Quite the opposite really. If anything, it proves how beneficial the product can be in treating infertility at home. If The Stork worked for us after all of our very expensive failures, I’d recommend it to anyone. A reproductive specialist may tell you that you may as well eat green M&M’s but, just remember, they’re also getting a lot of your green M&M’s.

If you think something isn’t right in the care you’re receiving, speak up. Say something. Get a second opinion. Ask questions. & try the, “green M&M’s.”

They can’t hurt & they’re a whole hell of a lot cheaper.

In closing, BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If something doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it’s probably not.

 

Fun fact: If you order The Stork through Target online, you can currently save 25%

Bittersweet

Mine were just in reverse.

Tuesday, after 3 years since seeing a positive pregnancy test, a miracle-I don’t know what else to call it-occured. I squinted down, more than once, to see, “Pregnant, 1-2 weeks,” which was right on par with where I should be.

The next morning, after being told the night before that mamaw was improving, I got a phone call. She passed away.

I lost my best friend in the entire world Wednesday.
The person who made me who I am, loved me when I wasn’t very lovable, took care of me when I was sick, talked about me constantly to friends and family, & watched I Love Lucie with me entirely too late most nights growing up.
There are no words.
I will always love you Lucie…forever your Ethel 👵🏽❤️❤️❤️❤️

The first night of visitation was today & it was also the best & worst day of my life. It was the best because, this morning, we went to a local lab to get a second HCG that, not only doubled, but quadrupled. The number was 87! It was the worst because it was the first day I had to say goodbye to my best friend. My rock.

When I said goodbye to her tonight, I did find solace in that, when I started crying for the thousandth time today, I heard her say, “Don’t cry, sissy.” It’s something she always said to me…even though my heart is completely shattered, I know she would be so happy I, hopefully, won’t have to do any more fertility drugs & that we finally, hopefully, got our miracle baby. That’s what she would want.

I hate that I never got to tell her & she will never get to meet them here but I find solace in that God gave us our baby at the perfect time and also that I like to believe she played a part in it.

“You were like my mother. You were my best friend. You’re everything I wanna be & all the good inside of me thats never been. Never be another, love me like you did. My grandmother, my angel.”

_________________________________________________________________

Back to the numbers, what do my infertility ladies think on that????Are they good??? Do they look like we’ll avoid an ectopic or miscarriage???? Any thoughts appreciated……

Again, if you have me on social media, please do not mention this until after we announce. I’ve been through hell in all the infertility treatments and planned about 399238403 different announcements. lol

It Is Well

“& through it all

through it all

my eyes are on you

& through it all

through it all

it is well”

After fully mourning all of our treatment failures, I’ve always believed that, someway somehow, we’d become parents one day.

Growing up, I watched a lot of Joyce Meyer & something she said has always stuck with me in the midst of hard times: “God will give you double for your trouble.”

That’s what I’ve told myself to maintain my sanity in all of this. In a world where seemingly every strung out addict, child abuser, & teenager can get pregnant when you can’t, you start to doubt things. You start to wonder why. You think that maybe, just maybe, you can’t have children because you’d be a terrible mother.

I held onto hope that, in some form, I’d get to be a mom to some pretty special kiddos. Was it easy to always believe this? NO!!! Of, course not. There were times when you may as well have told me pigs were finally flying. I’d heard promises, enough of, “I believe this one is gonna be it for you!” Especially, in the midst of fertility drugs...especially then. Do not try to be overly positive or talk sense into a woman pumped with a shit load of hormones. Just don’t do it.

While we’ve done two cycles of Femera recently & have an upcoming appt with a new RE to discuss doing an FET with our 1 snow baby, we entered the world of foster care. Going in, I became fully prepared to parent someone else’s child & give them back. I prepared for partnership with birth parents, visitations, the whole shebang. Even though we went into this in hopes of adoption, we doubted it would come to us soon. We believed that, after fostering a few kiddos, a situation where adoption became the plan would present itself. But we never believed it would be the first thing that came along.

A few weeks ago, we were asked to do respite for a seven month old baby boy. We had him for a few days & our worker checked in to see how it was going with him several times (which seemed strange at the time considering she hadn’t done that with the last respite placement). Yesterday, when he’d be returning to his foster home soon, she text me again asking about him. I told her it had went really well & mentioned that his foster mom had told me his goal would soon be adoption and her family couldn’t adopt him as they are much older. I let her know we were interested in adopting him if possible. And then it happened….she told me that had been her plan all along & she felt it would be a great fit!!!!! She even told me she’d spoken to her supervisor about it who also felt it would be a good fit for all involved.

For now, we’re just waiting to be officially approved-something our worker said should hopefully happen this week. When that happens, we can talk about how baby boy will be transitioned to our home.

We are over the moon excited & praying all works out. We feel this would be the perfect situation for us as bio mom has already TPR-ed (terminated parental rights) & bio dad is expected to have his done next month since he hasn’t followed through with requirements at all at this point.

I for one won’t be able to breathe until this is all said & done. Just trying to contain my excitement.

So now we wait….something I’m still not very good at, at this point.

If you pray, please send prayers up for our situation please!!

“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” ~Isiah 61:7

Becoming Mama

Not much in my life has happened the way I planned, the way that I thought it would. Becoming a mama was no different.

Growing up & well into my adult life, I thought it would happen the way it usually does. I’d meet someone I loved, we’d get pregnant, &,  you know the rest. As it turns out, for me anyway, that’s not the way it happened at all.

Three years ago, I miscarried. Until that moment, things had went according to plan. When I looked down at the squinter of the only pregnancy test I’d ever seen with two pink lines (minus the other I took the next day just to be sure),  it was, in that moment, I thought I’d become a mother. And then I had a second blood draw at the gynecologist to hear that my levels weren’t rising. While they were suppose to be doubling daily, mine were remaining stagnant. Soon after, I started bleeding during a night class. I went in the next day for more blood draws &, later that day, I’d hear it. I’d be told that my levels were dropping & I was having a miscarriage. My heart literally sank to my feet while Oceans played in the background. I use to love that song….until it sang silently in the background while I was being told my world was falling apart.

Fast forward to meeting & falling in love with my husband. While we’d thought we would get pregnant fairly easily, it seemed we were mistaken. After some testing & several very invasive treatments, our journey to parenthood remained a flashing access denied.

When we embarked on this journey toward fostering, we never dreamed that a child would come into our home & so quickly become attached to us. Never dreamed that, after twenty four hours, they’d look to us as parents & refer to us as such. I believe it was the second day kiddo was with us when I heard it. He looked up at me because he wanted something &, before I noticed him doing so, let it out. “Mama!”

I froze. Initially, I was sure I’d have to create an age appropriate explanation as to where mama was….& then I realized it…he wasn’t asking for his birth mom. He was referring to me.

It was in that moment that I feel like I became a mother. In the worldly sense anyway. Having a miscarriage & then losing 4 embabies is a funny thing…you’re not sure what you’re any more. You were almost a mother but not quite…something got in the way. There was a wrong turn & you never really arrived there. Until now.

“A child born to another mother calls me mama. Both the tragedy & the magnitude of that is not lost on me.”

As a foster parent, you never now how long a child will be with you. You never know how long you will be there to keep them safe, or how long their time with you will be. What you do know is that you love these children & you want to do so for as long as you can.

Not much in my life has worked out the way I’d planned…but a few of those unexpected moments have worked out in the most beautiful of ways. I may not have been able to get pregnant naturally, through IUIs, or even IVF’s so far….but it did lead me to fostering. Although I’m new to the game & have much to learn, I am truly thankful for that & excited to give kiddos in great need love in the most challenging of times.

Fostering has not only, after great struggle, made me a mama but also makes my heart beat & sets my soul on fire. I never dreamed I’d say this but I am thankful for the way things have worked out up to this point.

I’m definitely not the person I was three years ago…I hope you aren’t either ❤️

Femera: Take Two

After thinking it over a lot, discussing it with the hubs & a good friend of mine, I made the decision to give Femera another go this cycle.

Mainly, I chose it for one reason, besides the fact that I’m just really ready to be freaking pregnant. The reason is this: I just had my laparoscopy that removed the endometriosis we didn’t know existed in April. We tried on our own the month after that (May) & did our first cycle of Femera this month, along with the trigger shot, that resulted in failure. However, I am just barely two months out from surgery, which is why I decided to give Femera another go. We still have our appointment with a new RE mid July but we figured it couldn’t hurt to see if another round of our current TX would succeed.

Before I decided to give things another chance, I realize now I was & am just tired. Tired of fertility drugs, the treatments, the appointments, & the hope doctors try to give me. Tired of hearing, “I think this will be it for you,” when we’ve heard it a million times before. I so wish we’d known I had endo before going through 3 IUIs & 2 rounds of IVF. Who knows, maybe one of those invasive treatments would have worked had we known why they were failing at the time. Either way, I feel like I wouldn’t be so perpetually exhausted with trying at this point. I am emotionally & physically spent. And I hate that because we now know why even two rounds of IVF didn’t do the trick for us.

The Side effects:

While I’ve had far less than I even dreamed of than Clomid, they do still, unfortunately, exist. It comes with the territory I suppose. Before I get into side effects I’ve had with Femera, I will say they are FARRRRRRRRRR less than Clomid. I repeat: far less than Clomid. If given the choice, I’d take Femera over Clomid any day of the week!

Side effects I’ve had: headaches, nausea, & fatigue. Nothing too serious. Irritating but not debilitating. For me, the headaches have been the worst of it all.

The Plan:

Same as last time, take Femera on CD’s 5-9 (tonight will be my 4th dose), go in for a monitoring appointment, have the HCG shot if I don’t ovulate on my own in the time my doc thinks I should, have some, “candlelight dinners,” as she calls them lol, & use The Stork OTC. Thanks, to the phenomenal people at The Stork, we have two to try again this cycle!!!! If you missed my post on that, flipping back to find it is worth a read. After going through all the invasive stuff I have, I so love the option of treating/helping fertility in the privacy of your own home.

Here’s to trying to be hopeful…….