The Results Are In

Yesterday did not start like any other day. Scott ALWAYS, not usually-always-gets up before me & heads downstairs to catch up on some TV, while I usually sleep another hour or two. That did not happen yesterday as my family had spent the night beforehand & my snoring dad was passed out in front of the recliner, preventing Scott’s TV getaway.

I got up after I heard my nephew screech a few times-the kid really likes to scream-& headed into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. It read just as it had the last time PREGNANT 1-2. I held my breath a little reading it this time, thinking back to when I’d last seen it just two months earlier.

I clumsily headed toward the bed where Scott was playing on his phone at that point, saying, “happy Birthday, daddy,” since his Birthday is today.

My HCG was already scheduled since we did another round of Femera this cycle. I called this morning to verify & told them what my doctor had said about immediately starting Levonox injections. They told me to come on in to their office &, as long as I got there before lunch, they could draw my blood in the lab there.

Silly receptionist, I was already half ready. I went into the bathroom & had a little bit of dingy colored spotting & thought oh, no. It’s over before it even started again.

Once I got to the office, I walked, okay shuffled my feet, in thinking the worst. Wondering if my HCG would even register still, catastrophizing my numbers would be in the gutter. I told the nurse about the spotting & she went to ask my Dr. about the PIO (progesterone in oil) injection. She gave the go ahead to give it just to be safe due to the spotting.

Through all the fertility treatments we’ve done, I’d never had a PIO injection. Ever. Not one. I’d read horror stories about them. In fact, a friend of mine told me one such horror story just before I headed back this morning. So I was a little nervous. Turns out, it’s not THAT bad. It did feel very strange going on due to the thickness of it & I got a little dizzy/nauseous at that point but it was fine. Mostly, it bothered me afterwards more than anything because it was sore & just plain odd feeling.

3 hours went by, I’d heard nothing. I don’t think the person who calls people with results knew what they were dealing with here. I am a crazy 3 round IUI, 2 round IVF veteran, with a shit ton of Clomid & Femera in between, not to mention the miscarriages, so I was NOT so patiently waiting at home.

I called myself to not so gently remind them that I needed the results. I got a call back from the nurse saying, “Your BETA HCG was positive & she wants you to come back in for a repeat on Wednesday & another progesterone shot.”

I asked what the numbers were and here they are: HCG 62, Progesterone 33.

For me, this is really good because I’ve NEVER had a first HCG that high before. If I’m not mistaken the most recent one was in the 20’s when they drew the first time.

In addition to going back in on Wednesday, they are suppose to call my Levonox injections in as well. I’m also suppose to keep taking the oral Progesterone.

Send us all the prayers/thoughts/good vibes/& everything you have!!!!!!!!

Also, please do not mention this on any social media. We aren’t ready to announce yet &, as I said last time, I have about a million adorable announcements planned. If that alone is not a deterrent enough, I’ve been infertile & on several fertility drugs for a while now, don’t make me cut you 😛

 

50 Shades Of Infertility

The lights went down as I laid back, only seeing you. Before I know it you were inside me, pinning me to the table.
We’d been separated for 5 months.

Though I’d seen pictures, the real thing hadn’t been humming next to my ear for quite some time.

Just as I took a final deep breathe, I heard the nurse say we were all done.

Out slid the dildo cam.

What, you thought I was talking about something else?!?!??! 😜

If only.

I’m starting to believe that getting pregnant, “the fun way,” is reserved for drunken teenagers & drug addicts everywhere.

As we do not fit in either, I was sent back to the lobby (not even a goodbye kiss, how rude!) to await the PRN seeing my docs patients this week.

Turns out I have 3 follicles total, 2 of which are on par with sizing. One on each ovary. She noted my lining was a bit thin so, on CD 17, I’ll be taking Progesterone to bulk it up.

If I don’t get a positive OPK on my own by Satyrday morning I’ve been instructed to call her so I can come in to get an Ovidrel shot. If I do get a positive I don’t, “need them,” & was told to, “have a candlelight dinner & have sex for three days.” LOL

So now, we do what we should be good at by now, WE WAIT!!!! 

Downing my water for the ovulation test in office-wew!

Infertility: Through A Husband’s Eyes

This is the article I mentioned in my previous post.

I think it’s a neat article & wanted to share for a couple of reasons:

1. While many women blog & post about their perspective on infertility in social media, we rarely get to hear about the male/partner perspective. We share with each other the insane effects of drugs and the struggle of trudging through treatments but we don’t get to see this through the lens of our partners near as much.
2. As I read this, I kept finding myself copying & pasting paragraphs to share with the post before I shared it on Facebook. Every word seemed to perfectly capture what we’ve been through. It was like a window to my soul & I felt as if this man, who I obviously never met, knew me better than any man in the world.
3. Lastly, it has a happy ending…& we all need to hear about more of those, right? 🙂

Here are some highlights that really resonated with me (there were more but i eventually just stopped copying & pasting):

“For Leah, we eventually figured out, this meant a regimen of hormone boosters to facilitate egg production. Are you aware of what happens to people when their hormones go out of the norm? They are not happy. Unless they are happy, in which case, they are very happy. There is no mild. There is no average day. Her job was to feel like her brain and soul were on fire.
My job was to try and not say anything dumb, because she also needed to be calm. I tried to avoid triggering phrases like ‘Hey,’ or ‘Good morning,’ or ‘I love you,’ but I kept f**king up, and opening my mouth, or allowing Leah to see TV programs, or commercials, to read books, and interact with the world in any way.”
And sometimes her period comes, and you start over. Step one. And sometimes it doesn’t come. But the second line doesn’t appear, or the plus, or the whatever these tests do. So you wait. And it’s negative, but you hope, and you see your friends getting pregnant, and you get a little sad. But you get mad at yourself because you want to feel happy for other people, and that’s not fair to them. And then the 17-year-old across the street gets pregnant, and you get a little sadder. And your cousins get pregnant, and you get a little sadder.
And we want to tell you, but people don’t talk about it. Because you don’t want to talk about it.
Because you spend all day thinking about it, managing it. Trying not to cry. Trying to not turn into HI and Ed from Raising Arizona, stealing babies in the night.”

You can find the full article here: http://www.littlethings.com/dan-leah-pregnancy-journey/

 

 

 

Back On The Horse

Yesterday, after a hiatus from infertility TX, regular programming commenced.

The time to begin downing hormone pills that would send my body & mind on overdrive returned.

So far, knock-no BEAT-on wood, I haven’t had the mood swings from the darkest pits of hell I had with Clomid. Funny thing, yesterday after reading an article a husband wrote on he & his wife’s experiences with treatments, I got a little emotional…okay, a lot-al emotional & worried it was the Femera playing mind games with me. After some time passed since reading it, however, I feel it was just an emotional piece. Even more so for those struggling with infertility & so relate to everything shared in this man’s post (which I plan on sharing on the blog today as well so my fellow infertility warriors can read it for themselves).

In addition to that, it was also yet another beginning in our infertility journey. A new medication. A new plan. Yesterday also happen to remind me of the beginning of our journey-via Timehop. I’d had one of my monitoring appointments for our first IUI. Today, I saw the video I took of the very first time Scott had to stab me with a needle in the form of the trigger shot. It’s difficult to look back on all of that & remember how we were so hopeful that things would soon change….& now, here we are, a year later starting again. Only this time, with a new diagnosis in hand that neither of us anticipated-my endometriosis. When adding in the tags for this post on the sidebar, I thought to myself, time to add some new ones (Femera, endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, endowarrior) & it was incredibly strange. At the end of the day, all I can say is that I hope, this time, things will finally change….this time, I’m going to continue to hope & pray is the last time I will have to promise myself Mother’s Day will be the saddest day of the year for me. Our last Halloween & Christmas without children.

Note: I’m not saying our journey is worse than anyone else’s. Others have been through far more than we have so far. Some not so much and that’s okay too.

How do I feel (since starting Femera)?

I’ve had a constant nagging headache, felt a little nauseous, & am having random HOT FLASHES  but that’s it so far. Granted, I’ve only taken one pill so far so I can’t speak to how much better Femera will be than Clomid as a whole but I can say so far so good!

I’m a little nervous about just beginning a new fertility medication & going away for the weekend without knowing how it will effect me. Should I expect to be more sensitive? Should I expect to have to rest more and take breaks from the family fun of the weekend, the way I had to do last year on Clomid? I don’t know…& that’s what scares me.

We shall see!

Wish me luck & Happy Memorial Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t think of anyone else who deserves a holiday  weekend filled with happiness than all of you. ❤

 

Second Thoughts?

In the last week, I’ve found myself wondering whether or not I really need my upcoming laparoscopy. Sure, I have symptoms of endo. but are they really that bad?

Well, after being ordered not to take any Motrin for a month in advance, those thoughts have been executed.

They are no more.

In the past, I had, for some strange reason, believed it was normal for everyone to be in intense pain when they were on their period. I thought that, like me, other women continued to have pain even after taking some over the counter med. This has been my norm. The norm that has gotten progressively worse as I’ve gotten older.

While my period was normal the cycle after our last failed IVF, it’s been jacked up after that. Basically, it can’t decide whether it wants to, “grace,” me with its presence or not.

When I started getting hit with those sharp twinges of pain that come with my cramping, I took two Tylenol around 11 this morning. Near 3, the cramps were getting worse again and, after feeling like I couldn’t take them anymore, I took 3 more Tylenol….& I am still having faint cramping.

Moral of the story, if I don’t have endo, I will be sincerely surprised after enduring this cramping hell without my sacred Motrin.

&, again, I cannot believe someone has never diagnosed me with endo. sooner.

GET YOUR SECOND OPINION LADIES!!!!!! I for one can assure you that not doing so is a very costly mistake indeed.

What Now Infertility?

After what seems like forever, it’s time for an infertility update.

When we first learned that our 2nd IVF was a bust, I’d thought that my infertility blogging days would be on hold for a while (at least in relation to TTC). Our game plan was & is to take a much needed break from IVF & all the crazy hormones and just enjoy each other. For a month now, we’ve done just that & I have to tell you it feels good. There have been no panicked mornings at ultrasounds/blood draws. No nightly stabbings from various needles. No mood swings Ursula from The Little Mermaid would flinch from. No more surgeries, or painful transfers.

Instead, there has been quiet….well, quiet may be an overstatement while grad school & free work reign but, as compared to adding in the craziness of IVF with it, it’s quiet as can be.

&, while I love not enduring all of the above, for the longest time it felt strange to me…the pursuit of having a baby had become my life. The constant doctor’s appointments and needles had become a norm for us. Regularly reading infertility blogs & searching #IVF hashtags had become what I knew. Even now, over a month from our last defeat, not having those things that had become the norm feels strange to me. Today, I found myself searching hashtags & almost hit the IVF category again…then thought better of it and moved on to our next pursuit.

Currently, while actively pursuing fostering to adopt, I am in search of a second opinion of sorts. A few weeks back, someone had stumbled onto my Instagram account & asked if our RE had mentioned a cause for my poor egg quality. I answered that no he hadn’t & she then proceeded to inform me poor egg quality can result from endometriosis & said a friend of her’s had the same thing happen to her. Once she figured out it was endo & had surgery to remove it, she conceived naturally soon after. Curious, I looked up symptoms of endometriosis as our RE never mentioned testing me for that, or PCOS. I was surprised to find that I had at least two symptoms of it, noting that, apparently, sometimes you can have no symptoms as well. For one, TMI alert, it is sometimes painful for me to have sex. For years, I’d noticed it & thought it be a direct result from my PTSD &/or an injury I sustained during that time…I’ve also noticed for a few years now that I sometimes bleed after sex. Again, I had believed this was just another result of PTSD….but now, after some quick research, I know that both of those things are symptoms of endometriosis.

So, what now?? I spoke to a friend of mine who has been seeing a gynecologist who performs IUI’s (who knew????) & is also a specialist for endo. Unfortunately, I can’t get an appt with her until the end of June. I took the appointment anyway but also plan on mentioning it to my doctor to see if she’ll schedule a laparoscopy.

Am I expecting some sort of miracle even if I do have it? At this point, hell no. I am done with getting my hopes up & believing there is some kind of magical solution to our infertility woes. After a year of hearing the next infertility TX would surely be the answer to our prayers, I don’t want to hear any more promises. What I do want, however, is a greater understanding of why my egg quality is for shit at the age of 26. After reading the symptoms of endo, I want the peace of mind of knowing whether or not I have it.

Regardless, hubby & I are continuing on with our break from IVF for at least 6 months. At the same time, we are working toward finishing our foster to adopt classes that we are so very excited about!

Have a wonderful week, friends!

Grief Work

I’ve said it once & I’ll say it again, thank God for therapy.

I saw my therapist this past Friday, a week after finding out our second shot at IVF was another disappointment. She told me she was sorry, like so many other people had, then asked if I, “wanted to do some grief work today.”

I looked at her a little strange at first, asking how we’d do that.

She handed me a clip board & told me there was a pen on the table beside me.

“I want you to write down all the losses you’ve experienced with this. Then, when you’re ready, you can share them if you want and then take some time to really feel the emotions that come with each one.”

I nodded, scribbling LOSSES on an empty white sheet of paper. I didn’t have to think long on some of my responses, others required a bit more digging.

Here’s what I came up with:

• 1 Miscarriage
• 4 embryos
• The experience of being pregnant & all that comes with it (ultrasounds, documenting your baby’s growth, having a baby shower, preparing a nursery, etc)
• Possibility of having a biological child
• Security in knowing my child won’t be taken from me at any given time (if one were to foster to adopt)
• Opportunity to share child’s milestones with others (if you foster to adopt, you aren’t allowed to share images of your child on social media-or even write their name)
• Ability to name our child-unless we somehow came up with the money for a private adoption
• My career choice. Before entering into the world of infertility, I had always wanted to work with kids….now that I may not ever be able to have my own, I don’t feel that is something I’ll ever be able to do. On top of that, social work, in my opinion, is one of the absolute worst professions to be in when you’re infertile. Last week in class, one student was discussing a case of abuse from their practicum site. Halfway into it, I had to retreat to the bathroom to cry. In my own practicum, I conduct assessments on individuals struggling with drug addiction daily. Nine times out of ten, these heavily addicted individuals have 5+ kids, all while shooting up heroin and a slew of other paraphernalia. Coping with all of the above is challenging in and of themselves….when adding infertility into the mix, it feels damn near impossible. So, now, here I am 60,000 in debt in student loans…now learning I am infertile. Infertile in the worst way apparently as one’s egg quality cannot be remedied even with the most expensive of treatments.

After I shared this with her and really got in touch with the emotions that are tied to the heavy things I chicken scratched onto a blank piece of paper, we talked about something else. How I was going to grieve. She suggested that Scott & I do some type of ritual together to commemorate the losses we’ve endured. She also suggested that I write a letter to my children that may have been, which I may share in a later post.

As for the ritual, I am not completely certain as to what we will do yet but I have talked with Scott and we are both interested in doing something. I feel like it’s a good idea because, with any other death, you have a funeral. There is some ceremony of acknowledging pain & the accompanying grief and loss.

I mentioned releasing balloons. He mentioned releasing lantern, which is something I’ve always wanted to do anyway, & then mentioned this may be a fire hazard LOL So, for now, I guess balloons it is 😛

Seeing as this weekend is Valentine’s Day & we are also celebrating my Birthday early, at first, I wasn’t sure when we would do this….writing this, it came to me. For my Birthday present, I scheduled the tattoo I’m getting for my babies for Saturday. I feel like releasing the balloons beforehand would be a beautiful idea, ending the grieving ritual with my tattoo (which I will also share later after getting it).

“That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” -John Green

 

Post IVF Fail Consult: Take Two

  
Driving into the fertility center this morning, I thought to myself that, by now, I could probably get there with my eyes closed. As heavily flakes of snow fell from the sky, I walked inside to wait on Scott & compile a list of questions for our RE.

Taking us back, the nurse apologized that we were here….again, no pregnancy in tow. When our Dr. walked in, he too apologized, adding, “If I had a magic wand to wave and make you pregnant, I would.”

He started by reviewing how many eggs were retrieved as a whole both attempts, how many of those were viable, & how many we ended with. He noted that my eggs were deemed, “mediocre,” the first time & granular, not tolerating the injection well, during the 2nd IVF.

Before I could get to my list of questions, he answered one for me. After talking about my shotty eggs, he informed us that donor eggs were an option. Apparently, if you have someone who is willing to be a donor for you, it’s 15, 000. If not, it can run up to 20, 000-30, 000. Which we sure don’t have!

Embryo adoption was also mentioned. The closest one is located in Knoxville and pricing rages from 7, 000-10, 000…which could be doable for us at some point. Our Dr. was also clear to mention even this wasn’t a guarantee, as nothing ever is in infertility.

& now, on to the questions I had he hadn’t already answered:

1. Why would our embryo quality have been worse the 2nd time?

“Eggs can vary from month to month, as can sperm/quality.”

2. What can be done to improve egg quality?

“Short answer? Nothing.”

3. Is there a point for us to try IVF again?

“I would be willing to try it one more time, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

4. Opinion on an FET for the 1 embryo we have frozen?

He said it would be definitely be worth a try because, “what else are you going to do with it?” Our embryo frozen is, according to him, a good embryo and has a 90% chance of surviving the thaw. With that, the pregnancy rate for just the 1 is 25%. If we had 2 embryos to transfer with an FET, it would go up to 50%

5. Scott’s added question: what are our chances of conceiving naturally?

1-2%

With all of that being said, I walked away feeling much worse about the consult. In our first one, I feel like our RE was much more hopeful about things….he’d told he wasn’t ready to give up on us yet. This time, he made it sound like he understood if we wanted to not. My egg quality also held a much bleaker outlook. Other options were considered….it was just incredibly disheartening overall.

At this point, we let him know we planned to take a break for at least 6 months. After that, we’ll decided whether or not if we want to try IVF one last time or do a FET with our one embryo we already have.

The Cost Of Infertility: Dollar Sign Edition (An Updated Version)

Costs:

1. Semen Analysis: (2 times) $350

2. Consultation fee with fertility Dr: $250

3. HSG test: $1000

4. Fertility Blend Vitamins for women from GMC (*2): $79.98

5. Pre seed: $20.00

6. Clomid: $20.00

7. IUI one: $642.5

-Ovidrel Shot: $137.50

-Clomid: $20.00

-Follicle Ultrasound: $160.00

-Doctor’s Fee: $175.00

-Bluegrass Fertility Office Fee: $150.00

8. Fertility Blend Vitamins for men (two bottles): $80.00

9. IUI two: $642.5

-Ovidrel Shot: $137.50

-Clomid: $20.00

-Follicle Ultrasound: $160.00

-Doctor’s Fee: $175.00

-Bluegrass Fertility Office Fee: $150.00

10. Fees for IUI three:

-Ovidrel Shot: $137.50

-Clomid: $20.00

-Follicle Ultrasound: $160.00

-Doctor’s Fee: $175.00

-Bluegrass Fertility Office Fee: $150.00

11. IVF 1: $12, 200.

12. IVF 2 (with the help of a 10% discount & some donated meds: $10, 070

13. Cryopreservation for our one snow baby in the freezer: $650 (& an additional 400 for every year after)

TOTAL:  26, 647.48

Oh, & we still don’t have a baby /:

I can’t wait for the day I get to write a post on our FINAL cost of infertility TX.

*fingers crossed

Alice In Wonderland Said It Best

with,

At the beginning of our road in infertility, I was another person entirely. I miss that person..she was so full of hope. In the beginning, I had so much hope that our first IUI would work. When it didn’t, I thought, surely, they’d do the trick for us by the 3rd time, if not the second. The second & third bat at it came to pass, both as unsuccessful as the first. & then there was IVF, the last hoorah for so many people. The most expensive & last resort for infertile duos. With a 3 out of 4 shot, we believed, really believed, we’d get a baby out of that….3 out of 4, what are the odds it won’t happen, right?

& then it didn’t.

So we moved on to a second attempt. We lowered the dosage of my meds to have better quality eggs, we prayed, we asked everyone around us to pray, &, again, we hoped…&, again, our dreams came to pass. Our arms are still empty & our hearts are bitter at best.

If I could back & tell myself what I know now, I’m not sure what I would say….I don’t have any hopeful words, or any pearls of wisdom I’d depart on myself.

All that I know is that infertility has changed me dramatically as a person. Some for the better…& some for the worst, if we’re being honest.

On the bright side, I have much more compassion in my heart for those struggling with infertility. I have much more compassion for couples who foster to adopt/adopt with the knowledge that, in any moment, their child could be ripped from their arms.

On the other end of things, I am so incredibly bitter that, sometimes, it physically hurts. At my practicum, during assessments on those in the midst of addiction, I have to hear that they have 3-7 kids every single day. I cringe when I get to the question that comes after the others involving legal troubles and methods of use. My teeth clench together & I hold my breath when I ask it. If the words were coming from people who wanted to change I feel it would be easier..most often, that is not the case. Sadly, most are there to avoid legal ramifications of their drug use or because they ran out of money to get their fix and don’t want to DT in the streets.

I think of them & all the families I worked with in my previous job that did not care about their children. I remember all too well working with families that wouldn’t complete minimal requirements in our program when they knew losing their children would be a direct result.

& I wonder why. Why the universe seems to bless them so abundantly in the realm of fertility when there are many other couples like us that would love & care for a child so much.

There is no sense I can make of it.

So, for now, this is all I have to hang onto.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away