3

Losing Air

Today has been a very unexpectedly difficult day. Eli has been sick the past couple days (we’d thought it may be allergies at first because Kentucky lol & then saw that it was more over the weekend) so I took him into the Dr today. Poor guy has a double ear infection &, after we got this diagnosis & the Dr asked if there was anything else she could do for us, I thought I’d mention something I hadn’t really thought would be a big deal. It was.

A few weeks ago, my mom noticed that Eli’s butt crack was crooked (no fun medical terms here, just telling it how it is lol). She’d said my Dr’s use to tell her to watch for that when I was younger because it meant my hip was out (I had a lot of hip issues growing up & several surgeries). She looked at him & replied, “I think it’s definitely a legitimate concern.” She then said she’d go check to see if his well child visit was soon so, if it wasn’t, she could move it up when his regular pedi would be back. She came back with another Dr. with her who wanted to check him out. She looked at his legs, noticing, “a slight discrepancy in length,” felt his hips, & said she felt it may be more of his spine than hips. I was told, at his next visit, they’d probably want to do an ultrasound &/or an X-RAY to get a better idea of what is going on.

Hearing that something may be wrong with your child is one of the most awful things in the world because they ARE your world. The best way I can describe it is, it was like someone knocked the air out of me & pushed me under water. There I was with this little boy I thought was doing just fine & right on track in every way & now someone was telling me he may not be just fine.

Google, just like most things, isn’t exactly a good thing to consult on these issues. It’s like the meme that goes: “Just put my symptoms into Web MD..turns out I have cancer,” because you’re going to find literally the worst things. Something my husband & I have came across a lot is a scary thing called a tethered spine that requires surgery & can have neurological impacts. Reading that gives an entire new meaning to scared.

We can’t really do much at the moment but wait….& overthink….& be anxious….if you pray, please say a prayer that everything will be fine for our little Eli. Mama is a wreck & is extra emotional with the pregnancy plus progesterone 😦

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3

Big News

A little late putting this on WordPress buttttt Eli has something he wants to tell everyone…….

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We are shocked to say the least. It’s hard to believe that we were once told we had a 1-2% chance of having children & should just give up. It’s hard to believe the IUIs, the medicated cycles, & even the end all be all of infertility world, IVF, failed…twice…&, now, somehow, we are going to be parents of two under two.

If you would’ve told me this would be our reality two years ago, I would’ve laughed at you…or, lets be honest, punched you in the face because I was pretty bitter at times through our infertility battle lol

We are without words & so, so thankful.

We have had one big scare this pregnancy so far. After Eli’s Birthday party, I started bleeding & thought to myself, “here we go again,” because I was sure I was miscarrying as bleeding was always the first sign I had. Miraculously, the ultrasound tech flipped the screen around & casually said, “So there’s the heartbeat.”

I thought to myself, “What?!” with my eyebrow raised. The baby measured fine & on target & had a good heart rate BUT the ER doc did tell me I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. He asked if I wanted to be put on progesterone as a precaution & I said yes, so he called my OB who agreed.

I’ve had two more follow ups with her office since then, plus one more ultrasound, which still looked good as far as size & heart rate, but the suchchorionic hemorrhage had grown last time /:

At this point, we are watching it closely & I’ll have regular appointments &, at least, monthly ultrasounds. We’re hoping it resolves soon.

Again, I’d like to thank everyone for following along with our journey, cheering for us, & praying for us along the way. It has meant so much ❤

3

I almost died this week. 

Not in the way that dramatic amped up teenagers say, arms flailing, referring to how their parents took their cell phones for an hour.

I literally almost died. Eli & I both could have.

He wasn’t going down for naptime so I decided we’d leave early for music class so he could sleep on the way. The car has lulled my stubborn boy to sleep a lot.

When we got about 5 minutes from home, my driver’s tire blew out, though I didn’t know it at the time. The Tahoe went into a ditch, RIGHT BETWEEN two electric poles, into a horse fence (if you’re a KY resident you know those black fences that line horse country well), & then over a drop off about 6 feet high.

At the time, all I knew was my car wasn’t level anymore, I was crashing & not able to stop it, & something was coming through my windshield.

The accident felt both fast & slow. It happened so fast but everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Especially after it was over.

Once the car finally stopped, I felt my heart pounding & the first thing I noticed was Eli had started to cry. So, not noticing the glass that was all over my seat, I jumped out of the car, into a tiny creek, & ran to his door. It was locked (of, course) so I ran back to hit the unlock button & repeat the route. Once I finally got the door open & saw he was seemingly alright, I was flooded with a bit of relief. Holding him, I called 911 to tell them I’d just been in an accident. They kept asking me what road I was on & I wasn’t sure what the name of it was as we’d just moved to our new town. There weren’t any landmarks around to help with pinpointing our location (exciting even more panic). Thankfully, an older guy & his mother pulled up & told me where we were. They also let us get in their car to wait for the ambulance since it was cold.

Eli had to ride in a make shift car seat the EMS lady made with straps that went on the gurney. He hated it & let everyone know just how much all the way to the hospital. Once we got there, they took us to the trauma part of the ER, which was another very terrifying experience in & out of itself. There were about 7-10 people in the room. One of the Dr’s was in the corner trying to explain this to me but I felt like I couldn’t really process what she was saying to me because I was in shock of how many people were there & wondering if they thought he was hurt. Thankfully, by the grace of God, he checked out just fine. It was a happy day in the trauma ward.

I have some minor injuries, all things considered. I am just thankful, first & foremost, that Eli is okay. I’m also just happy to be alive. There are so many ways we could’ve died in that car accident. From the piece of wood that busted through my windshield & went sideways instead of at my face, to passing through two electrical poles with no room to spare, to across a two lane road that thankfully held no cars, to going off the 6 foot embankment &, somehow, landing straight up & not rolling.

I am stunned that none of the above happened. & so, so incredibly thankful.

It’s a very scary thing, nearly losing your life. I think, as a parent, everyone’s greatest fear is that you will lose your child. The second is that they will lose you too soon. Both of my greatest fears almost happened last week & I can tell you it is absolutely terrifying. While I’ve definitely been living more cautiously, I hope to gain some positive perspective from this experience, too. But that’s for another post.

We are forever thankful that God protected us that day. We’re also so thankful to the makers of Chevy Tahoe. Everyone at the scene kept saying how well the car had held up, despite it all. Big Bertha was completely totaled but she did a fine job as far as safety goes. Lastly, we are so grateful to Maxi Cosi. Eli’s car seat held up impeccably well! You would have never guessed it’d been in an accident, it was in the exact same spot it was when we installed it & didn’t have any damage whatsoever. & yes, we know you are suppose to replace them after an accident & have already re-ordered & received the same one (thanks, Amazon Prime). God is good ❤

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5

Losing Friends In Parenthood

It happens. For a variety of reasons, I suppose.

Since I’ve had Eli, I feel like I’ve definitely lost some, “friends.”

To be honest, this started happening somewhat during my pregnancy as well.

After Eli was born, I starting noticing this even more so in relationships  & some of them were very surprising. For instance, I would have thought that people who were supportive throughout our fertility struggles & even the pregnancy would have been really excited to meet him & be involved in our lives but that just hasn’t been the case.

First & foremost, I will acknowledge, because this began as an infertility blog, that one reason people in our lives may seemingly want nothing to do with our children & our new lives/roles, may be due to experiencing infertility themselves. WHICH IS TOTALLY & COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE!!!!!!! I get that. I empathize with that.

Another reason my circle, like a lot of parents circles from what I hear, grew smaller could be that some people just don’t like kids. To each his own, I suppose. Chances are, if you don’t like my kid, I don’t like you though soooo 😀

JK! I understand that kids aren’t everyone’s jam. You do you, man.

By the same token, I also understand some people just aren’t comfortable around children. One of my friends is obviously in this category but, even so, she has still been involved with him & has worked really hard to get past it. Actually, I appreciate her even more because she makes an effort when she is admittedly uncomfortable in doing so.

A friend’s brother, who also falls into this category, made me LOL one day when coming by my house to address Eli with, “Hi, baby….” *looks at me “I don’t really know how to talk to babies.” My friend answered him back with, “Like he’s a person.” It was pretty epic 😀

I also feel like some people just can’t grasp how all consuming parenthood is & get a little peeved when you can’t hangout at the drop of a hat like you use to, or irritated with 90% of what I post on social media involving my child in some way (sorry not sorry, btw).

Whatever the reason, I have definitely noticed that my circle is a lot smaller since becoming a mom. What do you think? Has anyone else noticed this happening in their own lives? What do you think the reasons behind it are?

4

If There’s Ever A Next Time

If there’s ever a next time, as far as having a baby goes, we definitely experienced some things first hand we’ll do differently next time.

For starters, the visitors. Before I had Eli I’ll admit I may have raised my eyebrow a bit when I saw other moms & articles written by parents saying they didn’t want visitors while in the hospital. I remember thinking to myself, “Hum, that’s strange! Aren’t you so excited to show your baby to the world????”

Yes, everyone is excited-excited isn’t the word actually-more like overjoyed. But you are also EXHAUSTED in the full sense of the word. My labor started at 2:30 am & Eli was born at almost noon that day. We’d been up since 2:00 when I’d noticed bleeding & grabbed our bag in a rush to get to the hospital. I didn’t get an epidural so there was no sleeping. Natural childbirth, while it was absolutely worth it, takes effort. A lot of freaking effort. We walked the halls a lot early on as I started having contractions because I wanted to keep the labor going & didn’t want it to stall out. Later, our amazing doula helped us try more things/positions to cope with the pain. In other words, we didn’t just hangout in bed all those hours binging Netflix.

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Also…if you are not immediate family, or close friends I talk with on a weekly basis, the time for your to make an appearance is certainly not after my crotch was, literally, ripped open, is bleeding, & hurting like a mother. Did I mention I’m sporting mesh, “underwear,” & sitting on an ice pack?

To add to the fun, I’m trying to figure out how on earth to get a tiny human to breastfeed so the bra has went out the window. Breastfeeding…IE my boobs need to be out when said baby is hungry. Which become a little difficult to do when someone I’ve seen a handful of times is making an appearance. Reserve those visits for when we get home.

Second, the announcing. I had someone else announce via Facebook I was in labor &, as I’ve seen many other moms say, I feel like that is something reserved for the parents to do unless they otherwise specify.

Lastly, if Eli ever becomes a big brother, I’m kicking everyone out of the delivery room. All I want is my husband & my doula 😀 My mom freaked out because she said she couldn’t stand to see me in pain-which I can sympathize with since I can imagine that would be difficult. She was also traumatized for months by the amount of blood courtesy of the blood thinners I was on during pregnancy. So there’s that. Alongside her, my poor sister was about to legit pass out & was, I kid you not, biting her nails in the corner…my photographer friend has photographic evidence of this LOL I love em but I just need some people who can keep me calm 😀

If there’s ever a next time around, I think we’ll probably just have the baby & then tell everyone 😀

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4

Let Us Be More

It’s a New Year. With that, as we all know, comes resolutions. An ever popular one of those being, to lose weight. Scrolling through social media, I can’t tell you how many people I’ve came across so far striving to attain that in this next 365 day chapter. I can’t tell you how many truly beautiful women, inside & out, I’ve seen state this as their goal.

As someone who struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade, I can tell you that no amount of satisfaction will ever come from obsessing over your outward appearance. Nothing you gain from it will ever be worth it. In a world constantly telling us to be less, let us be more. Let us make those goals as goals to grow instead of shrink. To do more in the realm of experiences, or community. To be more present in our daily moments & truly enjoy them to their fullest, because the little moments we have every day are everything in the end.

Today has been, mostly, a terrible day for me. I lost my keys. I spilled a box of dog bones. Those pesky tiny ones. They scattered the floor of my pantry. To make matters worse, when I grabbed a handful to put back into the box, the lid was up & they all fell right back out again. I could go on lol So I stepped back from my disastrous morning & thought you know what? I’m gonna treat myself. I need to do something nice for me to make this day okay. So I grabbed a Hershey’s with almonds (my favorite candy bar!) & a hot cup of tea & sank into the couch to write, something I hadn’t had an opportunity to do in quite a while. & I thought….had weight loss been my goal this year, or something I was still obsessed with, I wouldn’t have done that. Who knows, I may have overworked out & then missed the opportunity to step back & take care of myself & acknowledge the morning was just plain hard.

To all the beautiful women I’ve seen post weight loss as a goal, please know that you are truly beautiful & perfect just as you are. The people in your lives love you just as you are. You don’t ever need to be more, or less than the perfect you God created. I love you. Happy New Year!

9

Mom Life: An Update

Wow, I cannot believe it has been a MONTH since my last post!! &, at the same time, I am laughing at myself for being half shocked at this. Since it has been a hot second since my last post, I wanted to give a bit of an update before I, hopefully, get back to posting more frequently.

Mom life is a busy life, to say the least & put it ever so lightly. We’re, at the end of this month, HALF WAY THROUGH OUR FIRST YEAR, & I am just now getting to the point where I can sneak in a shower…this shower looks like me sitting one of E’s activity chairs outside the shower beside me while I, more frequently than I’d like to admit, rip back the curtain to make sure he’s still doing just fine. Yeah, I’m a crazy person lol

Eli has also newly started entertaining himself for a few bits of time & babbling away. He cries for people & puts his little arms up when he wants to go to them (which is pretty intelligent, if I do say so myself lol), & loves Peppa Pig. He had his first cold starting last week & it has been the saddest thing to watch because I just want to fix it & make him better in an instant…& not give him the breathing treatments he so hates with a passion. Unfortunately, we are still not sleeping through the night yet. We sleep quite terribly actually. lol Feel free to bring me all the coffee!!!

We are still living in Eastern, KY & also still hate it. We’ve came to the conclusion, a few months ago actually, that this just isn’t where we are suppose to be. Our old town felt like our home, despite the fact that we are actually both from here originally, & we’ve been homesick in the worst way. Because of this, we’ve never gotten settled into the new place, are tired of feeling unsettled, & want to go home. We are both  looking for jobs there & hope to get moved back ASAP. We know we will be much happier there, as we were never dissatisfied living there before, & saying Eli will have so much more to do is an understatement. There is literally nothing for children to do here….they have a Gatti Land, for older kiddos, & A FEW parks that hail in comparison to the ones in Lexington….that’s it! No Gymbroee classes, no baby swim classes, no mom/baby groups, no family days, nothing! If I want to run now, I literally have to drive 35 minutes to get to a place to do that. It takes about 20 minutes to get to a grocery store. It’s insane when we were both accustom to being 5 minutes away from everything we needed, or wanted on any given day.

Other than that, I feel like I’m still trying to find some balance in this whole mom thing to find some time for myself. As a social worker, I know self-care is so important but, as a parent, those moments are few & far between. Even so, I think we need to prioritize ourselves sometimes, too. For me, I think going out to dinner with a friend, date night, & a girl day on occasion (&, lets be honest, going to Target because who doesn’t love that? LOL)  will be my go to self-care days. We shall see how that goes since I also never want to leave my tiny human.

To my followers: How have you been?? What’s new??? I know I’m so behind on your posts & feel out of touch with my WordPress fam. Sending love to all of you! Xo

Also, does anyone have any tips on how to sneak in some self-care as a parent, or on improving baby sleep? I’d LOVE to hear it! 

Until then, I’ll leave you with a few pictures of little man 🙂