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A Year Ago Yesterday…

I wrote a blog post a year ago yesterday. A big one. A sad one. It was called, “A Goodbye To Infertility Treatments, For Now.” I wrote it not long after our second IVF fail. Not too long after I’d given up on the idea of you. 

Yesterday, in my present life, happened to be a big day too. We reached the 22 week mark, somewhere I still can hardly believe we are. You’re more wanted than I can ever express to you. I hope that our story reminds you of that. I hope that your name reminds you that miracles happen & you are most certainly, without a doubt, are one of them. 

&, if you’re reading this in the midst of your struggle, I hope that our story gives you hope. If your heart is still hurting today, I’d also like to tell you something my papaw tells me 9 times out of 10 when we hang up with each other: “Hold on & never give up. I love you.”
 “If we didn’t expose where we came from, some of our most difficult moments, then we wouldn’t be fully revealing the depth of the joy we are enjoying today.” 

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Favorite Things Friday: Free Stuff

Special Thursday edition! 😄

I love getting things in the mail, there I said it. Judge me. If you buy something online, it’s like Christmas all over again when it finally arrives. What I love even more than this is when said stuff is FREE!!!!! You read that right, free! 

Take a look at this sweet welcome box I got from Amazon: 


Included was an 80 pack of sensitive wipes, a teether/toy, a Philips bottle (natural bottle), wipe case, Muslin swaddle, nursing pads, & some samples!!!!! Expectant mamas: all you have to do in order to get all of this FREE is create a baby registry at Amazon & make a $10.00 purchase from it. 

Target also gives out a free welcome box of some sort but I’m not sure what is included as the store has been out of them when I’ve checked on it. When I find out, I’ll let you know 🙂 

Also, if you plan on formula feeding, Similac mails out free samples as well. I use to get them when we were going through the throws of Infertility treatment & be so mad so I remember getting those samples well. 

Are there any free samples that have been a favorite for you (baby or otherwise)??? What were they??? 

0

An Open Letter To My Future Children The Day After The Inauguration (& Always)

Long before you ever become a real possibility, I let go of a lot of things. You see, before dealing with infertility & a few other things, I use to believe I had it all figured out. What hobbies I hoped you’d be involved in, what interests you’d have. I even tried to decide if I’d stick those tacky: MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT on the back of my SUV & how I’d deal with my separation from you when you ventured off to college.

None of those things are important to me now &, while I once had so many pre-made hopes & dreams for you, I now only have two. That’s right, just two.

There are many things I could care less about. I don’t care who you grow up to love, or what kind of clothes you like to wear. A lot of people get really bent out of shape about those, “big issues.” I want you to know that I do not, especially in the wake of our new President (Donald Trump) & what his administration stands for for people who love & dress outside of what they feel is acceptable. The only thing I will say on this is, no matter who you love, they’d better be good to you..unless of, course they’d like me to claw their eyes out.

I could also care less if you go off to college & get a fancy degree. No matter if you become a CEO of a big company or part of the garbage crew, I promise to love you just the same. Just know that, either way, I’ll be outside gripping a sign as you pass by that says, “THAT’S MY BABY!” with your face on it. You’ll probably shake your head and roll your eyes as you say, “That’s my mom, she’s crazy.”

The two things I hope most in the world for you are these:

  1. I hope that you are kind. I hope that you sit with the kid who never has anyone to have lunch with. I hope that you stand up to bullies, no matter who they may be, for yourself, as well as for those that cannot. I hope that, no matter someone’s religion, race, sexuality, or nationality, you treat them how you would want to be treated. I hope that you, if ever you notice a classmate never seems to have enough to eat, you grab an extra snack for them.
  2. I hope that you are happy. Many people spend a lot of their lives not being truly happy & I hope this is never the case for you. It doesn’t matter what or how much of it you have if you’re not happy. Just look at the many Hollywood stars who live lavish lifestyles & still struggle with drug addiction &/or depression. All the cars, mansions, & exotic vacations in the world won’t matter if you are not happy. My hope for you is that you get to experience true happiness & utter joy as much as possible. I hope that you get to be a carefree kid who does the things he loves. I care that you will have the ability to look forward to things & are fully immersed in joy when those things happen. And, if ever you are struggling, I hope you always know you can come to me & we will do whatever it takes to make you happy again. I promise to never give up on this dream for you.

Those are the things I hope for you. I know now that the rest is just background noise ❤

 

4

2017

I don’t really believe in resolutions anymore, I prefer mantras…it’s like a promise to oneself without the pressure of I MUST DO THIS IN  A YEAR! Or something we tend to forget about three months down the line.

I have a few for this year:

-Make it through childbirth without dying. That one would be good. lol

-Learn to #MomSoHard

-Become a breastfeeding rockstar

-In the midst of caring for a new tiny human & two fur babies, still find some time for myself & not leave self-care out of the mix

-Continue adventuring

-Oh, & kill some CEU’s so my license doesn’t die along the way

That about sums it up for me! What are some of your hopes/goals for 2017??

 

2

When The Holidays Aren’t So Happy

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A few months ago, I started noticing signs in front of local churches & other public places. They were unlike the other signs I was use to seeing in that they weren’t advertising for foster parents, or asking, “ARE YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW STRUGGLING WITH DRUG ADDICTION? PLEASE CALL……”

These signs read something like, “Are you struggling with grief and loss this holiday season? If so, please call ____ for support during this challenging time.”

Maybe these signs are a new thing, or maybe they’ve always been there…I’ve just never needed to notice them before.

Going into this holiday season, I knew it would be incredibly challenging. It is the first without my very best friend, my rock of our family, our glue, our chef, jokester, stubborn mule, etc, etc. This will be the first year I will buying one less gift, one that was one of my favorites to find in the past. It was the first year a tiny dark skinned woman wasn’t lightly dancing through her kitchen singing, “Have a happy, happy Thanksgiving! It’s the best time of the year!” It will be the first she won’t be following me out to her entryway on Christmas Eve asking me why I can’t stay another night and then, when I tell her I have to spend time with my husband’s family, looking at me perplexed when she asks, “why?” She never really accepted that my marriage meant she ever had to share. It will be the first without charades because those were her favorite &, when people couldn’t guess her not so obvious rendition, yelling, “future, past, you dumb asses!!” She was really sentimental like that 😉

A few years back, I’d heard the statistic that suicide rates sky rocket during this time of year & now I have a clearer understanding of why that is. When you lose someone so close to you, how could anything ever be the same again? Quick answer: it can’t & it won’t ever be. Grief is really teeth gritting hard on a day to day basis, let alone during a season that places so much emphasis on loved ones & people that mean the most to you.

While the holidays are a magical time for many, they also seem to highlight what is missing, what we long for the most. In our season of infertility, I remember being panged with a different pain during this time. I noticed every child in a store, every little one standing not so patiently in Santa’s line, the toy sections that seemed to go on for days. And I remember, all too well, the hurt of knowing that we were facing another year that we thought we wouldn’t without children, or the prospect of having them.

With that being said, I have a few requests from you this holiday season.

  • As Ellen says, “Be kind to one another.” You never know what another person may be dealing with
  • If you’re able to, perform a random act of kindness. It may just get passed on
  • If someone you know may be having  difficult time this holiday, reach out to them
  • And one last thing….if you spot a FB status that you yourself find hilarious that’s a fake pregnancy announcement, trust me when I say it will absolutely NOT be hilarious to someone on your friend’s list. I still grimace when I see these overdone statuses. They seem to come around at damn near every holiday there is. 1 in 8 people struggle with infertility on a daily basis &, to them, your, “joke,” it not funny at all. In fact, it’s downright hurtful. Please think before you post & be considerate of others, especially during this time.

If you’re having a difficult time this season, please take care of yourself & reach out for support.

Hotlines:

National Hopeline Network
1-800-784-2433
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255

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13

We Made It

Yesterday, we reached a huge milestone. I milestone that, before, I never believed we would ever get to. I am officially in the second trimester!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday may have started with a bang…more like a shatter actually. After sitting my iPHONE on the end of the bathroom sink it, somehow, managed to LITERALLY do a flip through the air & land face down on the floor. I thoughts surely all was fine until I picked it up…to see the worst shattered screen I’d ever laid eyes on in my life. If I had not done it myself, I would’ve thought someone dropped their phone on concrete. That bad. But, with yesterday being what it was, this didn’t matter at all. Did I still swing by Apple to get it repaired? Yes, because, lets be honest, I have to see my adorable nephew when he FaceTimes me. #Priorities

But after that I did something else I never thought I’d do…I went shopping in a maturity store. My friend & husband forced me in because they were sick of hearing me go on about how nothing fit me every time they tried to drag me somewhere. At first, I really dreaded it because, can I be honest? I was still so paranoid that something was going to go wrong. Paranoid that our Dr’s appt this week wouldn’t go well. Thankfully, once I gave up the fight of not trying things on, it was actually a pretty fun experience. AND I found some things that didn’t look like a huge outdated circus tent.

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After that, we went for a quick Starbucks run to do a picture I’d planned. It was one of the many announcements I thought we’d do countless other times when a treatment finally worked.

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They were out of puppy latte cups for Sophie & Tyson but, thankfully, my friend knew that short cups existed for kid’s hot chocolates so magic still happened. SOMETHING I LEARNED: Do NOT write on red cups with a black marker. You won’t be able to see it well…just photoshop the words on instead. lol

Tomorrow, we have a pretty important scan. My Dr. told us it was a developmental scan so see if the baby was growing as it should, which is standard so we would very much appreciate prayers & good vibes that all looks well.

 

4

Cravings & Food Aversions

okay, people who have been pregnant!

Did you continue to have the same cravings & aversions after you weren’t pregnant anymore???

Before I realized I was pregnant, I started going to Taco Bell..like a lot. Before then, it was just some place I’d go maybe twice a year. Slowly but surely, it turned into a biweekly meeting I wasn’t about to miss.

After we found out, it was like an aha moment! Though I’d never really had any cravings, or aversions with my 1st pregnancy.

I also had an odd aversion to peanut butter, which was my favorite food on this earth until then. I loved it so much, in fact, that I signed my sister’s cards with, “I love you, more than peanut butter.” It was a big deal, okay? lol

It has now been a month since I miscarried & they’re still at it!!! I could eat a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell for every single meal until the rest of my life & be happy & never touch a spoon of peanut butter again & be content…weirdest thing!!!!

I had assumed that, once the miscarriage was underway, both would slowly disappear….nope!!!!

I’ve heard different things from different woman. Most say, once they weren’t pregnant anymore, their cravings faded away. I’ve heard a small percentage say they sort of stayed with them.

What was your experience????

Thoughtfully yours…..& wondering if I should buy stocks in the quesadilla king.