Pregnancy & Infant Loss 5K

Y’all, I-along with Scott & Eli-did my FIRST 5K this past Saturday!!! & the cause couldn’t have been more fitting. It was a Pregnancy & Infant Loss 5K &, if you’ve followed this blog even a little, you know  it’s a cause that will always be very close to our hearts. Even though infertility seems to be becoming less taboo, I still feel like it’s something that isn’t discussed near enough. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, yet, it’s still something that isn’t talked about near enough. When I had my miscarriages, I couldn’t believe how many other women that were aware they happened  had a me, too story. It was mind blowing for me, especially with my first.

This month is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month! While I know not everyone wants to share their story, I do like to to take the time to share ours. I want anyone who has, is, or will experience a miscarriage to know they are not alone &, if they so choose, it is okay to talk about it. I saw a post just last night from a girl disclosing she & her husband miscarried over the weekend. In the same post, she’d written, “even though I was only five weeks along,” as if she had to let the world know she was aware of that or that it, somehow, wasn’t suppose to be as painful had she been further along & it absolutely broke my heart that she felt she needed to justify her pain. I’m sure anyone who has also had a miscarriage knows that, no matter when you lost your baby, it will hurt…a whole awful lot. It will rip you to your core. &, it is my hope, that, as time goes on, no person ever feels that they have to justify their pain over such a HUGE horrible loss. As the book The Fault In Our Stars reads, “It hurts because it matters.”

Your pain mattered & will always matter. It is real. & you don’t need to justify that to anybody.

On a lighter note, here are some pictures from our first 5K. While we weren’t the fastest, our goal was just to finish. & we did! &, to our surprise, weren’t even last 😀 We hadn’t trained since we live somewhere that isn’t close to a place to run so didn’t have high hopes but we did it!!!

Caught In The In Between

As I’ve said so many times before, & will probably say again, pregnancy after loss/losses is one of the strangest things I’ve ever experienced.

I’m somewhere in between constantly waiting for something to go wrong & feeling like I’m living a lie in that, every day, I wonder if I’m still pregnant. Despite the symptoms, I still catch myself wondering, are things still okay today, right now? Will they be okay tomorrow, or this evening?

Since we announced, I was so nervous that people would ask me about the pregnancy, how it was going, etc. &, thankfully, they haven’t. Just a bunch of heartfelt congratulations abound. I was afraid of it because I don’t know what to say…I don’t know how others who have never stood where I am would take what I’m really feeling….what I wrote above. I feel like they either wouldn’t know what to say, would think I was bat shit crazy, or ungrateful given all we’ve been through to get here.

&, if you have been where I’ve been, you know ungrateful is the last thing that I am. But I’m not who I use to be…I envy myself before this last loss. I envy who I was then & how hopeful I was about things. I envy the excitement & all the things I had planned so early on that I knew, I knew, I’d get to…..now, I’m in this place where I’m afraid to buy anything. There are a few things I want for more announcement/update pictures at the next ultrasound &, in all honesty, part of me would like to go ahead & buy the week by week preggo updates that women do…..but the biggest part of me is just afraid to even consider doing any of that.

You know that too sweet Worth The Wait onesie we used in our big announcement? I didn’t buy it this time….I’d bought if for last time..&, by the time it arrived, we had no use for it then. It was stuffed back into our closet, along with all the IVF needles, behind clothes somewhere I’d never have to see it.

& there’s also guilt. Guilt that I should feel 100% elated to finally, finally, be pregnant after all this time, after all those awful treatments & heartache…..& I would love to feel that. I remember reading the test this summer & bursting into tears. I was ecstatic. When I saw it this time, the awful truth is I just froze…..I stood there, wide eyed in terror, & just stared. That is not the story I want to tell my child. The first would’ve been much more picturesque lol

Today, I’m 8 weeks & 3 days (wew!!!!) & I’m still so paranoid about every little thing &, at the same time, so afraid to let myself be happy again. This pregnancy seems to be going well….we had much higher numbers, my Dr. isn’t concerned with monitoring my HCG/progesterone anymore, & I still have my beloved (I am NOT being sarcastic lol) morning sickness. So, it would seem that things are fine…I’m so hoping after this next ultrasound, I’ll feel much more at ease that things are continuing to progress & everything is going to be just fine.

Please continue to pray for us, come on second trimester!!!!

My Proposed Reality Show

Anyone ever see or hear of that show, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?

Before I was able to get BFP’s these past few months, I could not conceive as to how on earth that was even possible. In every two week wait I hat, for the longest time, any slight change in my body (perceived or real), change in behavior (me or my dogs because if they’re being easier or more loving THIS WAS IT!!!!), etc, etc convinced me that THIS WAS IT, I MUST BE PREGNANT!!!!

I did this for a long time. Before going down the rabbit hole of infertility testing & treatment. After every IUI & IVF. & then something happened in me. I kind of accepted this wasn’t something that was going to happen for me so I put those ideas away, out of sight & way out of my mind.

When we got our first BFP this summer, I’d only tested because we had an appointment at a new fertility clinic that day & I still hadn’t started. I thought what the hell, just in case. & then I got the result…..& just stared at it for a while. Then cried, shoved my pee stick in my husbands groggy face, & excitedly called my sister half crying/chocking up. & then we lost it. Just like that.

So, this time, when I read that positive test, I wouldn’t let myself get too excited about the idea. I wouldn’t. I remembered, just two months ago, looking down at a test just like that that had read the exact same thing. The test I put all my hopes into during a season of grief & loss.

It’s a very strange thing to get pregnant again after loss. For me, the biggest part is, I don’t believe it. I was prepared for the nurse to call back with my HSG yesterday & tell me it was not good. I’m even mentally preparing already for Monday’s appointment in the back of my mind right now, to be honest.

Something that has been a little funny to be, however, is the disbelief/fixation I’ve had with my current pregnancy symptoms.

Am I still going to the bathroom every 30 minutes???? ROCK ON

OMG, I feel a little nauseous, THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

My boobs really hurt….YES! Maybe I should poke or touch them again 30 more times today JUST TO BE SAFE!

I’m tired, I could take a nap…. =O

Which leads me to what my own little reality show would be called: I Can’t Believe I’m Still Pregnant lol

The fun part will kick in next week when, hopefully, the bronchitis/sinus issues I’ve been having subside & the possibility of the nausea being caused by them…it’ll go something like this. OMG, this is it. Something is wrong. I was mildly nauseous, now I’m not. OMG. Maybe I should go stick my head in my dog’s food & see if it still stinks more than usual. I could also check out the garbage..hummmm!

In all seriousness, please, please continue to pray hard for us. I hope & pray this is our rainbow baby….& I’m begrudgingly trying to be excited about this possibility instead of waiting for the walls to come crashing down.

&, again, if you let this news out to anyone before I do on social media, I will probably cut you in a hormonal rage because, again, I have had 917093741907390147389 announcements planned, understood?

Great! 😉

 

Think Before You Post

As pregnancy & infant loss awareness month is quickly approaching, I urge all those posting fake pregnancy announcements to think before they post.
To 1 in 8 people who struggle with some form of infertility, your post is not funny at all. In fact, it’s downright hurtful.

It’s hard enough as it is for those struggling with infertility to keep seeing the pregnancy announcements of others come & come when they still haven’t had an announcement of their own. While we are happy for our friends, it’s a reminder, time & time again, of what we still haven’t gotten to experience.

This month, & always, I urge you to think before you post. Your post is not funny & has the potential to harm someone you care about.

Lets Save The Boobies & Remember The Babies this month (& always).

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

 

 

The Results Are In

Yesterday did not start like any other day. Scott ALWAYS, not usually-always-gets up before me & heads downstairs to catch up on some TV, while I usually sleep another hour or two. That did not happen yesterday as my family had spent the night beforehand & my snoring dad was passed out in front of the recliner, preventing Scott’s TV getaway.

I got up after I heard my nephew screech a few times-the kid really likes to scream-& headed into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. It read just as it had the last time PREGNANT 1-2. I held my breath a little reading it this time, thinking back to when I’d last seen it just two months earlier.

I clumsily headed toward the bed where Scott was playing on his phone at that point, saying, “happy Birthday, daddy,” since his Birthday is today.

My HCG was already scheduled since we did another round of Femera this cycle. I called this morning to verify & told them what my doctor had said about immediately starting Levonox injections. They told me to come on in to their office &, as long as I got there before lunch, they could draw my blood in the lab there.

Silly receptionist, I was already half ready. I went into the bathroom & had a little bit of dingy colored spotting & thought oh, no. It’s over before it even started again.

Once I got to the office, I walked, okay shuffled my feet, in thinking the worst. Wondering if my HCG would even register still, catastrophizing my numbers would be in the gutter. I told the nurse about the spotting & she went to ask my Dr. about the PIO (progesterone in oil) injection. She gave the go ahead to give it just to be safe due to the spotting.

Through all the fertility treatments we’ve done, I’d never had a PIO injection. Ever. Not one. I’d read horror stories about them. In fact, a friend of mine told me one such horror story just before I headed back this morning. So I was a little nervous. Turns out, it’s not THAT bad. It did feel very strange going on due to the thickness of it & I got a little dizzy/nauseous at that point but it was fine. Mostly, it bothered me afterwards more than anything because it was sore & just plain odd feeling.

3 hours went by, I’d heard nothing. I don’t think the person who calls people with results knew what they were dealing with here. I am a crazy 3 round IUI, 2 round IVF veteran, with a shit ton of Clomid & Femera in between, not to mention the miscarriages, so I was NOT so patiently waiting at home.

I called myself to not so gently remind them that I needed the results. I got a call back from the nurse saying, “Your BETA HCG was positive & she wants you to come back in for a repeat on Wednesday & another progesterone shot.”

I asked what the numbers were and here they are: HCG 62, Progesterone 33.

For me, this is really good because I’ve NEVER had a first HCG that high before. If I’m not mistaken the most recent one was in the 20’s when they drew the first time.

In addition to going back in on Wednesday, they are suppose to call my Levonox injections in as well. I’m also suppose to keep taking the oral Progesterone.

Send us all the prayers/thoughts/good vibes/& everything you have!!!!!!!!

Also, please do not mention this on any social media. We aren’t ready to announce yet &, as I said last time, I have about a million adorable announcements planned. If that alone is not a deterrent enough, I’ve been infertile & on several fertility drugs for a while now, don’t make me cut you 😛

 

The Cost Of Infertility, Dollar Sign Edition (Continued)

A while back, when we finished up our slew of IUIs & two failed IVFs, I wrote an updated blog post on what infertility had cost us money wise. You can find that full post, broken down in details, here: https://wordpress.com/post/disorderlylove.wordpress.com/1938

The total at that point in time came out to be $26, 647.48.

Since then, we’ve had the following expenses:

-Laproscopy with anesthesia: $1000 (insurance covered the additional cost).

-Pregnitude: $40.00

-Femera (2): $30.00

-1 follicle ultrasound (when I did not ovulate on my own): $200

-The Stork: $79.99

-Progesterone after positive HCG: $15.00

-Blood work through the ER to re-check my HCG $300.00 (Our insurance did not cover this as I was out of town & we just have terrible insurance all around).

-ER visit when I was having a miscarriage while on vacation: $300

-Miscarriage blood workup: FREE! The one thing that has been covered since it was blood work (blood work is free for clinic employees). I believe, had we not had insurance, this would’ve cost us around $800.00

-Femera: $15.00

-Follicle Ultrasound: $200

-Progesterone: $15.00

-The Stork (2): 159.98

-Pregnitude: $40.00

Total additional cost: 29, 042.45

Also, I cannot resist pointing out that, after the 29, it reads 042…which is where we’re at right now. So, even if our infertility journey FINALLY ends tomorrow, that will be how much we’ve spent at this point.

Infertility is a ridiculously expensive thing, more so than I would have ever imagined. Fortunately, 15 states do cover infertility TX…unfortunately for us, we don’t happen to live in one of those states…though we border two of them..how fair is that? lol

How Was Your Day?

Can I be honest?

Mine was really freaking hard.

I had a mid cycle scan to check my lining. I’d thought I wouldn’t have to have the ultrasound since I’d already ovulated on my own. The receptionist told me my Dr. liked people to do them anyway.

& I internally said ughhhhhh. An ultrasound was the last thing I wanted today since it was not the ultrasound I was suppose to have, the pregnancy ultrasound I was finally going to get. It was just another g’luck, hope it works out for you this time infertility one.

After soaking in some of my book, this glowing couple appeared out of nowhere & sat down behind me.  They were giggling & then the lady squeaked, “I think she has your eyes.”

& I thought mother fuck. 

Of all the places they could’ve sat, why? Just why?

& it went on. So I decided this was an opportune time to exit to the restroom.

When I got back, the ultrasound tech finally called me…noting I was suppose to have an ultrasound at the other location, even though that’s not what the front desk told me. At that point, whatever.

Then I went to wait some more. When I saw my Dr. she asked when I’d ovulated and I answered. She noted, “your lining is really thick! That & the fact that you had a positive ovulation test is very good since you just miscarried.”

She was very reassuring & then reviewed my blood work with me. The type of MTHFR mutation I have is the C variant. The game plan is much of the same with one new addition. Like we talked about before, I’ll be taking baby Aspirin & folic acid daily until when & if I get pregnant again. If I do, I’ll start taking Levonox injections immediately.

As a precaution, & to increases our chances, my Dr. also put me on Progesterone. As I said, my lining was thick & she was very happy with it but she noted Progesterone does increase the likelihood of pregnancy. She wants me to take this up until I have an HCG done on the 26th (Scott’s Birthday). To clarify, I asked if I had a negative test at home if there was a point for me to come in for the blood draw & her response was, “Yes, I don’t care if you get negative Saturday & Sunday, that doesn’t mean anything to me, I still want you to come in.”

So I’ll keep doing what we’ve been doing for what seems like forever now….keep fertility drugging & wait….note: I am still not good at the waiting part.

Prayers & good vibes appreciated!!!!!!! 

More Answers

I got a call from my doctor’s office today about the blood work I had done two weeks ago.

The nurse started off with (after the initial hello, I’m ___ from Dr.___ office), “Well, overall, everything came back normal.”

& my heart sank because I thought we hadn’t gone anywhere. I thought, after all of this time, we still had no answers.

But she continued.

“You do have a blood clotting factor. So she wants you to go ahead & start taking a baby Aspirin, about 87 mgs, daily before you even get pregnant. When you do get pregnant, call us back immediately & we’ll start you on a blood thinner injection called Levonox.”

Poor girl went on to try to assure me the shots weren’t he bad &, “we’ll show you how to do them,” until I chimed in with, “after all the shots i’ve had for IVF, I’m sure it’ll be nothing.”

I was probably the most ecstatic person a medical professional has ever informed they had a blood clotting issue that would require further treatment. I AM OVER THE MOON!!!!!

I’m sure if you are, or have ever been where I’ve been, you get it. After a miscarriage, two miserable/hellacious/insert all other synonyms for terrible here, rounds of failed IVF, on top of the 3 preceding IUIs, then the laprosocpic surgery, & then the oh, wait-miracle baby…just kidding, I am past ready to know why. 

&, after the worst summer of my life that has consisted of nothing but bad news, I was well over due for some good today. I needed some hope. I haven’t seen any in a while & it is much welcomed.

I’m hoping that this was the reason I’ve miscarried around the same time in both pregnancies & that, FINALLY, we will be able to stop it. Hopefully.

Be hopeful with me friends!!!

&, again, I’ll jump back on my soapbox for a minute to reiterate:

• If you ever feel you aren’t getting the care &/or attention you need, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!! I REPEAT, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!! If you want something done, ASK FOR IT!!!!! Bring up your concerns & how you’d like them to be addressed!!! I.E. me asking for blood work
• Lastly, as hard as it is with infertility & all its hell/absence of glory, don’t lose hope. After all, some Disney movie says miracles happen all the time……

 

My snapchat update of the day to all my friends (thanks, for limiting my words & forcing me to resort to drawing them like a 2 year old again Snapchat. Not cool).

Bless her heart, one friend responded, “oh, no!!” To which I quickly replied….

Don’t feel bad…I just said wow in my own head as well.

Cravings & Food Aversions

okay, people who have been pregnant!

Did you continue to have the same cravings & aversions after you weren’t pregnant anymore???

Before I realized I was pregnant, I started going to Taco Bell..like a lot. Before then, it was just some place I’d go maybe twice a year. Slowly but surely, it turned into a biweekly meeting I wasn’t about to miss.

After we found out, it was like an aha moment! Though I’d never really had any cravings, or aversions with my 1st pregnancy.

I also had an odd aversion to peanut butter, which was my favorite food on this earth until then. I loved it so much, in fact, that I signed my sister’s cards with, “I love you, more than peanut butter.” It was a big deal, okay? lol

It has now been a month since I miscarried & they’re still at it!!! I could eat a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell for every single meal until the rest of my life & be happy & never touch a spoon of peanut butter again & be content…weirdest thing!!!!

I had assumed that, once the miscarriage was underway, both would slowly disappear….nope!!!!

I’ve heard different things from different woman. Most say, once they weren’t pregnant anymore, their cravings faded away. I’ve heard a small percentage say they sort of stayed with them.

What was your experience????

Thoughtfully yours…..& wondering if I should buy stocks in the quesadilla king.

Some People

You now them. You’ve seen, heard, or interacted with them in different situations.

Today I read a comment on  a friend’s post from one of those people.

My friend had posted a status about another such individual among the tribe of the Some People. It was a rant about this person sending her parenting advice, when they barely knew her mind you, in a very aggressive form.

I clicked the little comment box to tell her how wonderful a job I thought she was doing & how amazing her teeny tiny’s sleep patterns were at 6 weeks and then I saw it. This lady’s first comment read, “Does she have kids?”

Like…..first of all, I’m pretty that’s not relevant at all. This girl was ranting about unsolicited advice….does it really matter if the person who said has children, or not?? Fun fact: turns out the first lady from the Some People does in fact have children.

All of this brings me to this point…it’s something us infertile people hear a lot &, quite frankly, something we get sick of getting slapped across the face with.

“Does she have kids?”

Speaking for myself, no I don’t have living children. However, I have worked with the HANDS program (a program focused on prenatal and infant growth & development up til the age of 2), the Family Preservation Program (working toward preserving families and children of all ages), as well working as a nanny for several years to some pretty awesome kiddos.

Point being, just because I don’t have children, how is any advice I may be able to offer (if asked for mind you, as I am not one of the Some People) any less significant than someone who was able to have children?

It’s not.

Point being:

• Please don’t be one of the Some People
• Do not assume that, just because someone doesn’t have children, they can’t possibly have any relevant knowledge to share with you (if asked for suggestions & the like).
• Or, for that matter, that we have even less of a right to partake in a conversation because we do not, or in our case-CANNOT, have children

Thank you, & good day!