My Proposed Reality Show

Anyone ever see or hear of that show, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?

Before I was able to get BFP’s these past few months, I could not conceive as to how on earth that was even possible. In every two week wait I hat, for the longest time, any slight change in my body (perceived or real), change in behavior (me or my dogs because if they’re being easier or more loving THIS WAS IT!!!!), etc, etc convinced me that THIS WAS IT, I MUST BE PREGNANT!!!!

I did this for a long time. Before going down the rabbit hole of infertility testing & treatment. After every IUI & IVF. & then something happened in me. I kind of accepted this wasn’t something that was going to happen for me so I put those ideas away, out of sight & way out of my mind.

When we got our first BFP this summer, I’d only tested because we had an appointment at a new fertility clinic that day & I still hadn’t started. I thought what the hell, just in case. & then I got the result…..& just stared at it for a while. Then cried, shoved my pee stick in my husbands groggy face, & excitedly called my sister half crying/chocking up. & then we lost it. Just like that.

So, this time, when I read that positive test, I wouldn’t let myself get too excited about the idea. I wouldn’t. I remembered, just two months ago, looking down at a test just like that that had read the exact same thing. The test I put all my hopes into during a season of grief & loss.

It’s a very strange thing to get pregnant again after loss. For me, the biggest part is, I don’t believe it. I was prepared for the nurse to call back with my HSG yesterday & tell me it was not good. I’m even mentally preparing already for Monday’s appointment in the back of my mind right now, to be honest.

Something that has been a little funny to be, however, is the disbelief/fixation I’ve had with my current pregnancy symptoms.

Am I still going to the bathroom every 30 minutes???? ROCK ON

OMG, I feel a little nauseous, THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

My boobs really hurt….YES! Maybe I should poke or touch them again 30 more times today JUST TO BE SAFE!

I’m tired, I could take a nap…. =O

Which leads me to what my own little reality show would be called: I Can’t Believe I’m Still Pregnant lol

The fun part will kick in next week when, hopefully, the bronchitis/sinus issues I’ve been having subside & the possibility of the nausea being caused by them…it’ll go something like this. OMG, this is it. Something is wrong. I was mildly nauseous, now I’m not. OMG. Maybe I should go stick my head in my dog’s food & see if it still stinks more than usual. I could also check out the garbage..hummmm!

In all seriousness, please, please continue to pray hard for us. I hope & pray this is our rainbow baby….& I’m begrudgingly trying to be excited about this possibility instead of waiting for the walls to come crashing down.

&, again, if you let this news out to anyone before I do on social media, I will probably cut you in a hormonal rage because, again, I have had 917093741907390147389 announcements planned, understood?

Great! 😉

 

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