You Know You’ve Been Infertile When…..

You Know You’ve Been Infertile When…..

-When at your 6 week check up, you keep wanting to refer to the UTI’s you’ve had as IUIs.

-When opening up the discussion of birth control, your OB says, “I’m sure you don’t think you need it since it took you so long to get here.”

As I’m sure some of you are thinking, even if you’ve struggled with infertility before, it doesn’t mean you won’t miraculously get pregnant again. We know, she knows. After that opening statement she also added, “Even if you did get pregnant, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind,”

& it’s true. After all of the heartache & struggle we’ve had to get to this place, we wouldn’t mind at all. Ideally, that wouldn’t be RIGHT away.

SO-my options for birth control right now are limited as it is, as we’re still breastfeeding. I have a choice of the depo shot (which I would never do because I’ve read & heard horrible things) & a low dose birth control pill. Right away, I declined those as I already knew I didn’t want any prevention in the form of medications.

After being on some sort of hormonal medications for the past four years, I don’t want anything else to do with that sort of thing right now. I’m sick & tired of medications that come with side effects. Even before we began our infertility journey & long before I met my husband, birth control pills always made me sick to be honest. I always had bouts of nausea with them. Also, as mundane as this may sound to those who don’t understand, I’m just really tired of having my life revolve around having to remember taking a medication. Eli is 6 & a half weeks old as of today & I am JUST NOW not going into a panic wondering if I’ve forgotten to do an injection (that I haven’t done since 36 weeks pregnant), or take my Aspirin. Just now.

Since I don’t want anything to do with medications right now, our game plan is to use condoms & spermicide for at least 6 months. After that, if we were to get pregnant on our own, then great. If not, that’s okay too. Before infertility, I always thought I wanted at least three kids. In the trenches of it, I always said that, if I could have at least one child, I’d be happy & I am. I know, coming from a 1-2% chance of ever having biological children, we are PHENOMENALLY BLESSED to have Elijah. So blessed! If we go the rest of our lives never having another biological child, we’ll still be happy.

Regardless of whether or not we are able to have more biological children, we’d like to adopt at least one child a few years down the road. I’ve always wanted to adopt &, after going through the fostering classes, both of our eyes were even more opened to the great need for foster & adoptive parents. Likewise, I think there’s also a need for strictly adoptive parents through other avenues (other than through the state).

It’s definitely been a rocky road with lots of twists & turns to get to where we are. We aren’t sure whether or not we’ve left infertility behind as far as battling it again but we do now what are plans are as far as family building goes….what we don’t know is what God’s plans are. & He has some pretty big plans so I guess all we can do is sit back, wait, & see. No matter, we are happy with whatever that is.

The Trauma Of Failed Infertility Treatments

We’ve often seen others talk about the heartbreak & financial burden of failed cycles but not so much the trauma that is attached to them.

Over the past few months, both our IVF cycles have crept up on my Timehop & while I’ve done my best to avoid the reminders, it has gotten to me on occasion. In truth, both Scott & I have talked about how we can’t even bare to look at them. To see the smiles on our faces & hope in our eyes in shattering because we know full well what those cycles yielded…failure. Repeated failure.

Even now, 20 weeks into my pregnancy, these images still bother me. Something I never would’ve fathomed before. I’m not sure if I’d feel the same about them if they would’ve been successful so I can’t speak to that but I do know how much each failed cycle traumatized me.

For one, you had people, medical professionals, (that were “specialists,”) building you up with things like, “oh, this is going to be your time!” “this is gonna be it for you!” “I have a good feeling about this!” “sometimes you have to do it more than once…..” over and over again. Until the end…when we were essentially given no hope (a 1-2% chance) & advised to look into embryo adoption, as well as other forms of adoption.

And then there is the piece of you who wonders who your little embryos would have been, the ones that couldn’t seem to be successful despite good & average grading. Each time I remember thinking about the hopes I had for them, wondering about who they would grow up to be, who they’d look like, & what their interests would be. I remember reading about the cycle of implantation & development into babies based on a 5 day transfer. I think, for me & our situation, I also can’t help but wonder if these embryos would’ve successfully implanted had I ever been asked about/checked for endometriosis then. No one can say for sure I guess but I am angry about this nonetheless.

Then we have the financial burden of all these treatments we are still paying for. We spent around 30, 00 for absolutely nothing with our old RE who we now lovingly refer to as Dr. Dumb ass lol

Not to mention the fact that my body had to undergo sooooo much with every try. I was injected with countless amounts of drugs that could increase my chances of two forms of cancer. I had two surgical procedures (egg retrievals) that were very hard on my body. I was so swollen I looked pregnant at the time, yet another cruel thing infertility treatment does to the body. I got OHSS & could’ve ended up in the hospital with each IVF. It effected my grad school & practicum performance, as I felt like death some days & was unable to go. I also suffered from a great loss of energy after the cycles & can’t say for sure if I’ve ever recovered from that aspect yet (as pregnancy also tends to cause fatigue).

Infertility hurts. It hurts a lot, for a number of reasons. It hits you where it hurts the most, your hopes & dreams, mental health, physical health, as well as financially. It is a burden I would wish on no one.

May we all be a little kinder to one another, we never know what another person is going through.

“You never really know a man until you stand in his shoes & walk around in them.”

How have your cycles effected you?? Are you experiences similar? Different?

The Lottery

When I woke up this morning, I was nothing but a ball of nerves…filled with pee since someone at the Dr’s office told me to have a full bladder…which I ended up not even needing.

When I finally got called back, I was full of dread. I didn’t want to go. It was the strangest thing. I literally thought of just sitting there but Scott was standing up as soon as they got out half of  our last name so that wasn’t an option lol When we got back the tech started off by saying, “So what’s been going on?” & we froze. “Have you had some bleeding, or something?” & then our eyes widened. Had my Dr. wanted us to have this ultrasound because she thought something was wrong?????? We answered her & filled her in on what Doc thought it stemmed from. She said okay, “well I’m not gonna be able to tell you anything today.”

More nerves.

It was a transvaginal ultrasound, hence the not needing the surplus of liquid I was instructed to fill my bladder with.

She had warned us we probably wouldn’t hear the heartbeat because it was so early but said she would try for us. Time seemed to speed by as she clicked a bunch of times. She told us she was just snapping a bunch of pictures for now. Near the end, she said the words we were PRAYING so hard she’d say, “I see the gestational sac. Here it is,” pointing to the screen, “and this little flicker is the baby. It’s measuring right at 5 weeks & 1 day.”

We were both speechless. When she’d said she saw the sac my body went into a bit of a shock. I couldn’t believe it. We were stunned & just so, so thankful.

I never believed we’d get here. After all the failure & all the heartache here we were….having our first pregnancy ultrasound. There are not words for how good that feels.

I am so incredibly thankful for every single person that has been invested in our journey. Those who have followed along, cheered us on, believed in us, PRAYED for us, sent us good vibes, & just cared to ask how things were going….thank you, will never be enough. Above all, I keep telling everyone this is all God. We were a double IVF failure, a 3 time IUI strike out, & had a 1-2% chance of getting pregnant on our own without invasive treatment.

With the right OB, a whooooooole lot of God, & some mild fertility drugs (Femera & progesterone), we have arrived.

Now….we just need your continued prayers it stays that way!!!!!!!!! We both feel like, for one, we will feel a lot better once we get through this week/next since I’ve miscarried in the 5th week twice & somewhere in between the 5th & 6th once. I am really hoping we get in with my Dr. soon as well so we can rest a little easier we hope.

 

Another Milestone

We’ve reached another milestone this pregnancy! In the past, I’ve only gotten the initial pregnant 1-2 weeks but today, when I re-tested to see if the numbers moved up, they did!!!!

Which is completely amazing news for us!!!! And I didn’t even take this bad boy this morning, I did it after my evening Target run. 

I didn’t want to live the entire weekend in immense fear that things were taking a turn for the worst so I bought another Clearblue weeks estimator in hopes of alleviating this pregnancy after loss experience. Thanks, Clearblue 😄

We are so incredibly thankful & are praying so hard this is our rainbow baby. Please, please keep us in your prayers as well!!!!!!!

Thank you & happy Friday, friends!!! 

My Proposed Reality Show

Anyone ever see or hear of that show, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?

Before I was able to get BFP’s these past few months, I could not conceive as to how on earth that was even possible. In every two week wait I hat, for the longest time, any slight change in my body (perceived or real), change in behavior (me or my dogs because if they’re being easier or more loving THIS WAS IT!!!!), etc, etc convinced me that THIS WAS IT, I MUST BE PREGNANT!!!!

I did this for a long time. Before going down the rabbit hole of infertility testing & treatment. After every IUI & IVF. & then something happened in me. I kind of accepted this wasn’t something that was going to happen for me so I put those ideas away, out of sight & way out of my mind.

When we got our first BFP this summer, I’d only tested because we had an appointment at a new fertility clinic that day & I still hadn’t started. I thought what the hell, just in case. & then I got the result…..& just stared at it for a while. Then cried, shoved my pee stick in my husbands groggy face, & excitedly called my sister half crying/chocking up. & then we lost it. Just like that.

So, this time, when I read that positive test, I wouldn’t let myself get too excited about the idea. I wouldn’t. I remembered, just two months ago, looking down at a test just like that that had read the exact same thing. The test I put all my hopes into during a season of grief & loss.

It’s a very strange thing to get pregnant again after loss. For me, the biggest part is, I don’t believe it. I was prepared for the nurse to call back with my HSG yesterday & tell me it was not good. I’m even mentally preparing already for Monday’s appointment in the back of my mind right now, to be honest.

Something that has been a little funny to be, however, is the disbelief/fixation I’ve had with my current pregnancy symptoms.

Am I still going to the bathroom every 30 minutes???? ROCK ON

OMG, I feel a little nauseous, THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

My boobs really hurt….YES! Maybe I should poke or touch them again 30 more times today JUST TO BE SAFE!

I’m tired, I could take a nap…. =O

Which leads me to what my own little reality show would be called: I Can’t Believe I’m Still Pregnant lol

The fun part will kick in next week when, hopefully, the bronchitis/sinus issues I’ve been having subside & the possibility of the nausea being caused by them…it’ll go something like this. OMG, this is it. Something is wrong. I was mildly nauseous, now I’m not. OMG. Maybe I should go stick my head in my dog’s food & see if it still stinks more than usual. I could also check out the garbage..hummmm!

In all seriousness, please, please continue to pray hard for us. I hope & pray this is our rainbow baby….& I’m begrudgingly trying to be excited about this possibility instead of waiting for the walls to come crashing down.

&, again, if you let this news out to anyone before I do on social media, I will probably cut you in a hormonal rage because, again, I have had 917093741907390147389 announcements planned, understood?

Great! 😉

 

Second BETA

I got up early this morning & stumbled through the bedroom throwing something on to rush out the door. The sooner I get there, the sooner they’ll have the results!

I got there to be told, “we don’t have a lab tech here today, hang on and let me talk to someone. Just take a seat.”

*commence added internal panic

I sat there, again not patiently, until I erupted into a coughing fit courtesy of my current bronchitis. I stepped out the door into a foyer &, finally, when I walked back in to find my seat, someone called my name.

I went back for the HCG draw & then got another glorious PIO shot.

“Someone should call you this evening with the results.”

Oh, she doesn’t know….bless her heart. In all reality, I will likely call at least once to check on the status of said results. This ain’t my first rodeo, sweetheart.

So I waited….& waited….& waited….& WAITED again. Very patiently, might I add. My phone lit up around 2:45 & I took as deep of a breath as I could manage in my bronchial state.

Formalities were said & she told me what I knew, she had my results. She also added my Dr. was happy with them & wanted to repeat them again on Monday.

The HCG more than doubled & is 149.9. The progesterone is 54.35.

From here on out, the game plan is to continue taking the Levonox injections nightly, along with the baby Aspirin, the daily Metafolate that replaces the folic acid (since I have the MTHFR gene mutation), & start taking progesterone suppositories on Friday & then go in again on Monday to see if the labs keep raising as they should. Once they reach 1500, they’ll schedule my first OB appointment.

We are thrilled with this news & pray things keep improving. My numbers have NEVER been this high before so we’re very pleased with that.We are off to a very good start. One I hope that will prove to be very promising.

I’ve carried around my mamaw’s prayer cloth with me all day. I can remember her squeezing it in her hands during challenging times. When I got the results I smiled, & almost cried because I’m just really emotionally currently, & thought mamaw must have aggravated Jesus to death ever since she got up there. “No more of them fertile drugs!!!”  LOL 🙂 I know she’s going to watch over this little baby while she holds my other two in Heaven.

Continued prayers, good vibes, thoughts, & whatever else you all can throw at us are GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!! I could NOT have endured this journey without all the love & support we have received. Could not.

Sending love to you all!!! ❤ ❤

Think Before You Post

As pregnancy & infant loss awareness month is quickly approaching, I urge all those posting fake pregnancy announcements to think before they post.
To 1 in 8 people who struggle with some form of infertility, your post is not funny at all. In fact, it’s downright hurtful.

It’s hard enough as it is for those struggling with infertility to keep seeing the pregnancy announcements of others come & come when they still haven’t had an announcement of their own. While we are happy for our friends, it’s a reminder, time & time again, of what we still haven’t gotten to experience.

This month, & always, I urge you to think before you post. Your post is not funny & has the potential to harm someone you care about.

Lets Save The Boobies & Remember The Babies this month (& always).

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

 

 

The Results Are In

Yesterday did not start like any other day. Scott ALWAYS, not usually-always-gets up before me & heads downstairs to catch up on some TV, while I usually sleep another hour or two. That did not happen yesterday as my family had spent the night beforehand & my snoring dad was passed out in front of the recliner, preventing Scott’s TV getaway.

I got up after I heard my nephew screech a few times-the kid really likes to scream-& headed into the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. It read just as it had the last time PREGNANT 1-2. I held my breath a little reading it this time, thinking back to when I’d last seen it just two months earlier.

I clumsily headed toward the bed where Scott was playing on his phone at that point, saying, “happy Birthday, daddy,” since his Birthday is today.

My HCG was already scheduled since we did another round of Femera this cycle. I called this morning to verify & told them what my doctor had said about immediately starting Levonox injections. They told me to come on in to their office &, as long as I got there before lunch, they could draw my blood in the lab there.

Silly receptionist, I was already half ready. I went into the bathroom & had a little bit of dingy colored spotting & thought oh, no. It’s over before it even started again.

Once I got to the office, I walked, okay shuffled my feet, in thinking the worst. Wondering if my HCG would even register still, catastrophizing my numbers would be in the gutter. I told the nurse about the spotting & she went to ask my Dr. about the PIO (progesterone in oil) injection. She gave the go ahead to give it just to be safe due to the spotting.

Through all the fertility treatments we’ve done, I’d never had a PIO injection. Ever. Not one. I’d read horror stories about them. In fact, a friend of mine told me one such horror story just before I headed back this morning. So I was a little nervous. Turns out, it’s not THAT bad. It did feel very strange going on due to the thickness of it & I got a little dizzy/nauseous at that point but it was fine. Mostly, it bothered me afterwards more than anything because it was sore & just plain odd feeling.

3 hours went by, I’d heard nothing. I don’t think the person who calls people with results knew what they were dealing with here. I am a crazy 3 round IUI, 2 round IVF veteran, with a shit ton of Clomid & Femera in between, not to mention the miscarriages, so I was NOT so patiently waiting at home.

I called myself to not so gently remind them that I needed the results. I got a call back from the nurse saying, “Your BETA HCG was positive & she wants you to come back in for a repeat on Wednesday & another progesterone shot.”

I asked what the numbers were and here they are: HCG 62, Progesterone 33.

For me, this is really good because I’ve NEVER had a first HCG that high before. If I’m not mistaken the most recent one was in the 20’s when they drew the first time.

In addition to going back in on Wednesday, they are suppose to call my Levonox injections in as well. I’m also suppose to keep taking the oral Progesterone.

Send us all the prayers/thoughts/good vibes/& everything you have!!!!!!!!

Also, please do not mention this on any social media. We aren’t ready to announce yet &, as I said last time, I have about a million adorable announcements planned. If that alone is not a deterrent enough, I’ve been infertile & on several fertility drugs for a while now, don’t make me cut you 😛

 

Progesterone & Femera

Lets talk effects.

Parroting what I’ve said before about Femera:

-headaches!!!!!

-Mild moodiness (compared to Clomid, everything is mild!)

-BLOATING, LOTS OF BLOATING

Progesterone:

-BLOATING!!!

-EXHASTION!!!!!!!!!!! My Dr. had warned me to take this at night as it does make you drowsy….I think drowsy is a very mild for it. I feel like I could have slept through an earthquake with this stuff!! Not to mention just being exhausted in general throughout the day.

-Acne +

So.much.bloating.

We’re 6 days away from finding out if our latest attempt worked out. Until then, I keep popping my Progesterone & Aspirin.

Whoop, whoop! 

The Cost Of Infertility, Dollar Sign Edition (Continued)

A while back, when we finished up our slew of IUIs & two failed IVFs, I wrote an updated blog post on what infertility had cost us money wise. You can find that full post, broken down in details, here: https://wordpress.com/post/disorderlylove.wordpress.com/1938

The total at that point in time came out to be $26, 647.48.

Since then, we’ve had the following expenses:

-Laproscopy with anesthesia: $1000 (insurance covered the additional cost).

-Pregnitude: $40.00

-Femera (2): $30.00

-1 follicle ultrasound (when I did not ovulate on my own): $200

-The Stork: $79.99

-Progesterone after positive HCG: $15.00

-Blood work through the ER to re-check my HCG $300.00 (Our insurance did not cover this as I was out of town & we just have terrible insurance all around).

-ER visit when I was having a miscarriage while on vacation: $300

-Miscarriage blood workup: FREE! The one thing that has been covered since it was blood work (blood work is free for clinic employees). I believe, had we not had insurance, this would’ve cost us around $800.00

-Femera: $15.00

-Follicle Ultrasound: $200

-Progesterone: $15.00

-The Stork (2): 159.98

-Pregnitude: $40.00

Total additional cost: 29, 042.45

Also, I cannot resist pointing out that, after the 29, it reads 042…which is where we’re at right now. So, even if our infertility journey FINALLY ends tomorrow, that will be how much we’ve spent at this point.

Infertility is a ridiculously expensive thing, more so than I would have ever imagined. Fortunately, 15 states do cover infertility TX…unfortunately for us, we don’t happen to live in one of those states…though we border two of them..how fair is that? lol