My Proposed Reality Show

Anyone ever see or hear of that show, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?

Before I was able to get BFP’s these past few months, I could not conceive as to how on earth that was even possible. In every two week wait I hat, for the longest time, any slight change in my body (perceived or real), change in behavior (me or my dogs because if they’re being easier or more loving THIS WAS IT!!!!), etc, etc convinced me that THIS WAS IT, I MUST BE PREGNANT!!!!

I did this for a long time. Before going down the rabbit hole of infertility testing & treatment. After every IUI & IVF. & then something happened in me. I kind of accepted this wasn’t something that was going to happen for me so I put those ideas away, out of sight & way out of my mind.

When we got our first BFP this summer, I’d only tested because we had an appointment at a new fertility clinic that day & I still hadn’t started. I thought what the hell, just in case. & then I got the result…..& just stared at it for a while. Then cried, shoved my pee stick in my husbands groggy face, & excitedly called my sister half crying/chocking up. & then we lost it. Just like that.

So, this time, when I read that positive test, I wouldn’t let myself get too excited about the idea. I wouldn’t. I remembered, just two months ago, looking down at a test just like that that had read the exact same thing. The test I put all my hopes into during a season of grief & loss.

It’s a very strange thing to get pregnant again after loss. For me, the biggest part is, I don’t believe it. I was prepared for the nurse to call back with my HSG yesterday & tell me it was not good. I’m even mentally preparing already for Monday’s appointment in the back of my mind right now, to be honest.

Something that has been a little funny to be, however, is the disbelief/fixation I’ve had with my current pregnancy symptoms.

Am I still going to the bathroom every 30 minutes???? ROCK ON

OMG, I feel a little nauseous, THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!

My boobs really hurt….YES! Maybe I should poke or touch them again 30 more times today JUST TO BE SAFE!

I’m tired, I could take a nap…. =O

Which leads me to what my own little reality show would be called: I Can’t Believe I’m Still Pregnant lol

The fun part will kick in next week when, hopefully, the bronchitis/sinus issues I’ve been having subside & the possibility of the nausea being caused by them…it’ll go something like this. OMG, this is it. Something is wrong. I was mildly nauseous, now I’m not. OMG. Maybe I should go stick my head in my dog’s food & see if it still stinks more than usual. I could also check out the garbage..hummmm!

In all seriousness, please, please continue to pray hard for us. I hope & pray this is our rainbow baby….& I’m begrudgingly trying to be excited about this possibility instead of waiting for the walls to come crashing down.

&, again, if you let this news out to anyone before I do on social media, I will probably cut you in a hormonal rage because, again, I have had 917093741907390147389 announcements planned, understood?

Great! 😉

 

Think Before You Post

As pregnancy & infant loss awareness month is quickly approaching, I urge all those posting fake pregnancy announcements to think before they post.
To 1 in 8 people who struggle with some form of infertility, your post is not funny at all. In fact, it’s downright hurtful.

It’s hard enough as it is for those struggling with infertility to keep seeing the pregnancy announcements of others come & come when they still haven’t had an announcement of their own. While we are happy for our friends, it’s a reminder, time & time again, of what we still haven’t gotten to experience.

This month, & always, I urge you to think before you post. Your post is not funny & has the potential to harm someone you care about.

Lets Save The Boobies & Remember The Babies this month (& always).

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

 

 

The Cost Of Infertility, Dollar Sign Edition (Continued)

A while back, when we finished up our slew of IUIs & two failed IVFs, I wrote an updated blog post on what infertility had cost us money wise. You can find that full post, broken down in details, here: https://wordpress.com/post/disorderlylove.wordpress.com/1938

The total at that point in time came out to be $26, 647.48.

Since then, we’ve had the following expenses:

-Laproscopy with anesthesia: $1000 (insurance covered the additional cost).

-Pregnitude: $40.00

-Femera (2): $30.00

-1 follicle ultrasound (when I did not ovulate on my own): $200

-The Stork: $79.99

-Progesterone after positive HCG: $15.00

-Blood work through the ER to re-check my HCG $300.00 (Our insurance did not cover this as I was out of town & we just have terrible insurance all around).

-ER visit when I was having a miscarriage while on vacation: $300

-Miscarriage blood workup: FREE! The one thing that has been covered since it was blood work (blood work is free for clinic employees). I believe, had we not had insurance, this would’ve cost us around $800.00

-Femera: $15.00

-Follicle Ultrasound: $200

-Progesterone: $15.00

-The Stork (2): 159.98

-Pregnitude: $40.00

Total additional cost: 29, 042.45

Also, I cannot resist pointing out that, after the 29, it reads 042…which is where we’re at right now. So, even if our infertility journey FINALLY ends tomorrow, that will be how much we’ve spent at this point.

Infertility is a ridiculously expensive thing, more so than I would have ever imagined. Fortunately, 15 states do cover infertility TX…unfortunately for us, we don’t happen to live in one of those states…though we border two of them..how fair is that? lol

More Answers

I got a call from my doctor’s office today about the blood work I had done two weeks ago.

The nurse started off with (after the initial hello, I’m ___ from Dr.___ office), “Well, overall, everything came back normal.”

& my heart sank because I thought we hadn’t gone anywhere. I thought, after all of this time, we still had no answers.

But she continued.

“You do have a blood clotting factor. So she wants you to go ahead & start taking a baby Aspirin, about 87 mgs, daily before you even get pregnant. When you do get pregnant, call us back immediately & we’ll start you on a blood thinner injection called Levonox.”

Poor girl went on to try to assure me the shots weren’t he bad &, “we’ll show you how to do them,” until I chimed in with, “after all the shots i’ve had for IVF, I’m sure it’ll be nothing.”

I was probably the most ecstatic person a medical professional has ever informed they had a blood clotting issue that would require further treatment. I AM OVER THE MOON!!!!!

I’m sure if you are, or have ever been where I’ve been, you get it. After a miscarriage, two miserable/hellacious/insert all other synonyms for terrible here, rounds of failed IVF, on top of the 3 preceding IUIs, then the laprosocpic surgery, & then the oh, wait-miracle baby…just kidding, I am past ready to know why. 

&, after the worst summer of my life that has consisted of nothing but bad news, I was well over due for some good today. I needed some hope. I haven’t seen any in a while & it is much welcomed.

I’m hoping that this was the reason I’ve miscarried around the same time in both pregnancies & that, FINALLY, we will be able to stop it. Hopefully.

Be hopeful with me friends!!!

&, again, I’ll jump back on my soapbox for a minute to reiterate:

• If you ever feel you aren’t getting the care &/or attention you need, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!! I REPEAT, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!! If you want something done, ASK FOR IT!!!!! Bring up your concerns & how you’d like them to be addressed!!! I.E. me asking for blood work
• Lastly, as hard as it is with infertility & all its hell/absence of glory, don’t lose hope. After all, some Disney movie says miracles happen all the time……

 

My snapchat update of the day to all my friends (thanks, for limiting my words & forcing me to resort to drawing them like a 2 year old again Snapchat. Not cool).

Bless her heart, one friend responded, “oh, no!!” To which I quickly replied….

Don’t feel bad…I just said wow in my own head as well.

Stages Of Infertility

Infertility is a process. Not a linear process but a process nonetheless.

To me, it resembles the stages of grief. You don’t have to go through the process in any particular order & you may go back and forth between stages on occasion.

For instance, before my recent miscarriage, I was finally in a place that I could go to children’s Birthday parties & enjoy myself. A place where, on a good day, I may even be able to drop by a baby shower.

This past weekend, I was invited to two of my friend’s kiddo’s Birthday parties. One was a first Birthday & another was a third. Having found out I was miscarrying a little over a week beforehand, I knew going would be too much for me. Not because I didn’t want to celebrate the lives of their children I’ve grown to love. Not because I wasn’t happy they had precious children of their own. But because, in this moment, it would have reminded me of things not to come for my own children.

Things like Birthday parties. Baby showers. Cake smashes. Party games.

There aren’t any games or parties where my children are….well, I don’t know, maybe there are. Maybe they’re up with the person I’d trust most in the world with my children (mamaw) playing video games with her while she cusses at the screen when she loses & shows them the ropes of game play.

But I can’t see that.

All I can see is happy families loving their children. Children that I may not ever be able to have. I may never get Birthday parties or everything that comes with them. And, in the present moment, going to children’s parties is just something I have to accept is too much for me.

And I hope people get that. Thankfully, both friends I text over the weekend got it. They said what I needed. They understood. It was okay. Hugs & emoji hearts all around.

That is what I hope for all of you who find certain events too hard at times. Because, I assure you, there will be many times throughout this journey when you just can’t, despite how much a part of you may like to, participate in certain things. There may be times that you can, which is great, but that may change on a dime to a time that you can’t. And that’s okay.

You know where you are in your journey. Accept & honor that.

 

Green M&M’s

In the beginning of our infertility journey, I stumbled upon a lot of blogs recommending you be your own advocate…& we though we were…until we realized we weren’t.

The BIGGEST thing I like to stress to others going through this rocky ride of infertility is this: BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!!!!!

Having undergone 3 failed IUIs & 2  failed IVFs, only to later find out I had endometriosis & become pregnant on my own with the help of Femera & The Stork OTC, I cannot stress that enough.

During our last appointment with our old RE, we asked him about a lot of things.

What were our chances?

2% on our own.

Why was my egg quality not up to par?

“Research hasn’t gotten there yet.”

What could we do to improve it?

“Nothing, unfortunately. Have you thought about looking into adoption?”

Asking him about the fertility diet & an extra shot I’d read about that worked for another lady who underwent several IVFs that finally had success,

“You may as well go home and eat green M&M’S because that’ll do about the same thing for you.”

Little did we know at the time, he seemed to only want our green M&M’s….dollar sign edition.

I was never once asked if I’d been checked for endo. I was never once asked if I had symptoms of endometriosis. They found my husband’s low morphology & they focused on that, without looking further into possible issues in my body as well.

When I started seeing a new gyno, I told her about my period pain & our fertility struggles. She recommended I have a laparoscopy & I agreed…just before it, I almost canceled because I thought my periods weren’t that bad &, surely, by now if I had it someone would have asked. Someone else would have suggested it by now.

I was wrong.

Groggily waking up form anesthesia, I asked my husband what they’d found….all the while thinking he was going to tell me nothing. I was wrong.

He said something to the effect of, “Well you have it. It was stage 2 but she burned it out.”

I just stared at him. I couldn’t believe it. After all we’d been through this, THIS, could have been the reason for all the miserable failures.

After that, my OB put me on Femera beginning the second cycle after the lap. I’d seen The Stork OTC advertised somewhere and thought WTH, can’t hurt. So we tried it for the first time that month. It failed. And then I reluctantly to try another cycle of Femera, along with two more kits the wonderful people at The Stork OTC sent me in the mail.

& the unthinkable happened.

We got pregnant.

Unfortunately, as you’ve read if you follow this blog, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. However, that is no testament to the product. Quite the opposite really. If anything, it proves how beneficial the product can be in treating infertility at home. If The Stork worked for us after all of our very expensive failures, I’d recommend it to anyone. A reproductive specialist may tell you that you may as well eat green M&M’s but, just remember, they’re also getting a lot of your green M&M’s.

If you think something isn’t right in the care you’re receiving, speak up. Say something. Get a second opinion. Ask questions. & try the, “green M&M’s.”

They can’t hurt & they’re a whole hell of a lot cheaper.

In closing, BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If something doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it’s probably not.

 

Fun fact: If you order The Stork through Target online, you can currently save 25%

Bittersweet

Mine were just in reverse.

Tuesday, after 3 years since seeing a positive pregnancy test, a miracle-I don’t know what else to call it-occured. I squinted down, more than once, to see, “Pregnant, 1-2 weeks,” which was right on par with where I should be.

The next morning, after being told the night before that mamaw was improving, I got a phone call. She passed away.

I lost my best friend in the entire world Wednesday.
The person who made me who I am, loved me when I wasn’t very lovable, took care of me when I was sick, talked about me constantly to friends and family, & watched I Love Lucie with me entirely too late most nights growing up.
There are no words.
I will always love you Lucie…forever your Ethel 👵🏽❤️❤️❤️❤️

The first night of visitation was today & it was also the best & worst day of my life. It was the best because, this morning, we went to a local lab to get a second HCG that, not only doubled, but quadrupled. The number was 87! It was the worst because it was the first day I had to say goodbye to my best friend. My rock.

When I said goodbye to her tonight, I did find solace in that, when I started crying for the thousandth time today, I heard her say, “Don’t cry, sissy.” It’s something she always said to me…even though my heart is completely shattered, I know she would be so happy I, hopefully, won’t have to do any more fertility drugs & that we finally, hopefully, got our miracle baby. That’s what she would want.

I hate that I never got to tell her & she will never get to meet them here but I find solace in that God gave us our baby at the perfect time and also that I like to believe she played a part in it.

“You were like my mother. You were my best friend. You’re everything I wanna be & all the good inside of me thats never been. Never be another, love me like you did. My grandmother, my angel.”

_________________________________________________________________

Back to the numbers, what do my infertility ladies think on that????Are they good??? Do they look like we’ll avoid an ectopic or miscarriage???? Any thoughts appreciated……

Again, if you have me on social media, please do not mention this until after we announce. I’ve been through hell in all the infertility treatments and planned about 399238403 different announcements. lol

It Is Well

“& through it all

through it all

my eyes are on you

& through it all

through it all

it is well”

After fully mourning all of our treatment failures, I’ve always believed that, someway somehow, we’d become parents one day.

Growing up, I watched a lot of Joyce Meyer & something she said has always stuck with me in the midst of hard times: “God will give you double for your trouble.”

That’s what I’ve told myself to maintain my sanity in all of this. In a world where seemingly every strung out addict, child abuser, & teenager can get pregnant when you can’t, you start to doubt things. You start to wonder why. You think that maybe, just maybe, you can’t have children because you’d be a terrible mother.

I held onto hope that, in some form, I’d get to be a mom to some pretty special kiddos. Was it easy to always believe this? NO!!! Of, course not. There were times when you may as well have told me pigs were finally flying. I’d heard promises, enough of, “I believe this one is gonna be it for you!” Especially, in the midst of fertility drugs...especially then. Do not try to be overly positive or talk sense into a woman pumped with a shit load of hormones. Just don’t do it.

While we’ve done two cycles of Femera recently & have an upcoming appt with a new RE to discuss doing an FET with our 1 snow baby, we entered the world of foster care. Going in, I became fully prepared to parent someone else’s child & give them back. I prepared for partnership with birth parents, visitations, the whole shebang. Even though we went into this in hopes of adoption, we doubted it would come to us soon. We believed that, after fostering a few kiddos, a situation where adoption became the plan would present itself. But we never believed it would be the first thing that came along.

A few weeks ago, we were asked to do respite for a seven month old baby boy. We had him for a few days & our worker checked in to see how it was going with him several times (which seemed strange at the time considering she hadn’t done that with the last respite placement). Yesterday, when he’d be returning to his foster home soon, she text me again asking about him. I told her it had went really well & mentioned that his foster mom had told me his goal would soon be adoption and her family couldn’t adopt him as they are much older. I let her know we were interested in adopting him if possible. And then it happened….she told me that had been her plan all along & she felt it would be a great fit!!!!! She even told me she’d spoken to her supervisor about it who also felt it would be a good fit for all involved.

For now, we’re just waiting to be officially approved-something our worker said should hopefully happen this week. When that happens, we can talk about how baby boy will be transitioned to our home.

We are over the moon excited & praying all works out. We feel this would be the perfect situation for us as bio mom has already TPR-ed (terminated parental rights) & bio dad is expected to have his done next month since he hasn’t followed through with requirements at all at this point.

I for one won’t be able to breathe until this is all said & done. Just trying to contain my excitement.

So now we wait….something I’m still not very good at, at this point.

If you pray, please send prayers up for our situation please!!

“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” ~Isiah 61:7

Becoming Mama

Not much in my life has happened the way I planned, the way that I thought it would. Becoming a mama was no different.

Growing up & well into my adult life, I thought it would happen the way it usually does. I’d meet someone I loved, we’d get pregnant, &,  you know the rest. As it turns out, for me anyway, that’s not the way it happened at all.

Three years ago, I miscarried. Until that moment, things had went according to plan. When I looked down at the squinter of the only pregnancy test I’d ever seen with two pink lines (minus the other I took the next day just to be sure),  it was, in that moment, I thought I’d become a mother. And then I had a second blood draw at the gynecologist to hear that my levels weren’t rising. While they were suppose to be doubling daily, mine were remaining stagnant. Soon after, I started bleeding during a night class. I went in the next day for more blood draws &, later that day, I’d hear it. I’d be told that my levels were dropping & I was having a miscarriage. My heart literally sank to my feet while Oceans played in the background. I use to love that song….until it sang silently in the background while I was being told my world was falling apart.

Fast forward to meeting & falling in love with my husband. While we’d thought we would get pregnant fairly easily, it seemed we were mistaken. After some testing & several very invasive treatments, our journey to parenthood remained a flashing access denied.

When we embarked on this journey toward fostering, we never dreamed that a child would come into our home & so quickly become attached to us. Never dreamed that, after twenty four hours, they’d look to us as parents & refer to us as such. I believe it was the second day kiddo was with us when I heard it. He looked up at me because he wanted something &, before I noticed him doing so, let it out. “Mama!”

I froze. Initially, I was sure I’d have to create an age appropriate explanation as to where mama was….& then I realized it…he wasn’t asking for his birth mom. He was referring to me.

It was in that moment that I feel like I became a mother. In the worldly sense anyway. Having a miscarriage & then losing 4 embabies is a funny thing…you’re not sure what you’re any more. You were almost a mother but not quite…something got in the way. There was a wrong turn & you never really arrived there. Until now.

“A child born to another mother calls me mama. Both the tragedy & the magnitude of that is not lost on me.”

As a foster parent, you never now how long a child will be with you. You never know how long you will be there to keep them safe, or how long their time with you will be. What you do know is that you love these children & you want to do so for as long as you can.

Not much in my life has worked out the way I’d planned…but a few of those unexpected moments have worked out in the most beautiful of ways. I may not have been able to get pregnant naturally, through IUIs, or even IVF’s so far….but it did lead me to fostering. Although I’m new to the game & have much to learn, I am truly thankful for that & excited to give kiddos in great need love in the most challenging of times.

Fostering has not only, after great struggle, made me a mama but also makes my heart beat & sets my soul on fire. I never dreamed I’d say this but I am thankful for the way things have worked out up to this point.

I’m definitely not the person I was three years ago…I hope you aren’t either ❤️

Femera: Take Two

After thinking it over a lot, discussing it with the hubs & a good friend of mine, I made the decision to give Femera another go this cycle.

Mainly, I chose it for one reason, besides the fact that I’m just really ready to be freaking pregnant. The reason is this: I just had my laparoscopy that removed the endometriosis we didn’t know existed in April. We tried on our own the month after that (May) & did our first cycle of Femera this month, along with the trigger shot, that resulted in failure. However, I am just barely two months out from surgery, which is why I decided to give Femera another go. We still have our appointment with a new RE mid July but we figured it couldn’t hurt to see if another round of our current TX would succeed.

Before I decided to give things another chance, I realize now I was & am just tired. Tired of fertility drugs, the treatments, the appointments, & the hope doctors try to give me. Tired of hearing, “I think this will be it for you,” when we’ve heard it a million times before. I so wish we’d known I had endo before going through 3 IUIs & 2 rounds of IVF. Who knows, maybe one of those invasive treatments would have worked had we known why they were failing at the time. Either way, I feel like I wouldn’t be so perpetually exhausted with trying at this point. I am emotionally & physically spent. And I hate that because we now know why even two rounds of IVF didn’t do the trick for us.

The Side effects:

While I’ve had far less than I even dreamed of than Clomid, they do still, unfortunately, exist. It comes with the territory I suppose. Before I get into side effects I’ve had with Femera, I will say they are FARRRRRRRRRR less than Clomid. I repeat: far less than Clomid. If given the choice, I’d take Femera over Clomid any day of the week!

Side effects I’ve had: headaches, nausea, & fatigue. Nothing too serious. Irritating but not debilitating. For me, the headaches have been the worst of it all.

The Plan:

Same as last time, take Femera on CD’s 5-9 (tonight will be my 4th dose), go in for a monitoring appointment, have the HCG shot if I don’t ovulate on my own in the time my doc thinks I should, have some, “candlelight dinners,” as she calls them lol, & use The Stork OTC. Thanks, to the phenomenal people at The Stork, we have two to try again this cycle!!!! If you missed my post on that, flipping back to find it is worth a read. After going through all the invasive stuff I have, I so love the option of treating/helping fertility in the privacy of your own home.

Here’s to trying to be hopeful…….