1

Our Frozen Embryo & Family Growing

When I finally gave birth to Eli, I’d came to a decision on our frozen embryo…or at least I thought I had. After all the heartache & uncertainty surrounding whether we’d ever have a child of our own, & alllllll of the anxiety over my pregnancy with him, I was at a place, & still am, that I got what I prayed for & was content. If we never have another biological child, we will still be infinitely blessed. It was & has been everything I ever wanted & could have dreamed.

Now, on our frozen embryo, my feelings were initially that I never wanted to put my body through any more fertility drugs ever again. They’re a bitch & effect you fiercely. They also increase your chances of certain cancers & that, to me, as well as my husband who is in the field of cancer treatment, is scary.

At the same time, when I saw our last two embryos, one of whom is still frozen, on my Timehop yesterday from 2 years ago, I couldn’t help but feel something for them…it’s OUR baby…or could be if it survives the thaw & the stars align…nevertheless, it’s very hard to come to terms with the concept of giving away our child….or leaving them frozen forever…or, worse yet, throwing them away.

Also, oddly, someone I went to school with yesterday contacted me asking me about fertility treatment. She shared that she had went through a lot to have her first child, also had endometriosis, was struggling to get pregnant again, & was told by her OB that, while the laparoscopy helped increase pregnancy odds the first time, it did not subsequence times…which makes me a bit nervous.

Before infertility, I wanted 5 children…& then dropped to 3 lol If it weren’t for infertility now, I’d want all the babies πŸ˜€ & we do still want to adopt. Strangely, after having Elijah I want to adopt now more than ever. When I’d hold him & take care of him in the early days, I remember one time in particular I just cried when thinking of all the babies who are left to cry & not cared for in this world. That to me is heartbreaking. I am so glad he will always know love & never have to wonder if his parents will follow through for him. I want to give that to another child who may never know that same fierce love.

For the moment, like I wrote about earlier, we have decided to actively TTC again as my OB recommended. I’ve already bought an ovulation kit & plan on using two STORK OTCs again this cycle. We’ll see where it takes us.

Again, sorry the blog is a bit slower nowadays & a heartfelt thank you, to all of those who continue following along on this crazy ride with us. We love & appreciate each of you! ❀

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13

We Made It

Yesterday, we reached a huge milestone. I milestone that, before, I never believed we would ever get to. I am officially in the second trimester!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday may have started with a bang…more like a shatter actually. After sitting my iPHONE on the end of the bathroom sink it, somehow, managed to LITERALLY do a flip through the air & land face down on the floor. I thoughts surely all was fine until I picked it up…to see the worst shattered screen I’d ever laid eyes on in my life. If I had not done it myself, I would’ve thought someone dropped their phone on concrete. That bad. But, with yesterday being what it was, this didn’t matter at all. Did I still swing by Apple to get it repaired? Yes, because, lets be honest, I have to see my adorable nephew when he FaceTimes me. #Priorities

But after that I did something else I never thought I’d do…I went shopping in a maturity store. My friend & husband forced me in because they were sick of hearing me go on about how nothing fit me every time they tried to drag me somewhere. At first, I really dreaded it because, can I be honest? I was still so paranoid that something was going to go wrong. Paranoid that our Dr’s appt this week wouldn’t go well. Thankfully, once I gave up the fight of not trying things on, it was actually a pretty fun experience. AND I found some things that didn’t look like a huge outdated circus tent.

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After that, we went for a quick Starbucks run to do a picture I’d planned. It was one of the many announcements I thought we’d do countless other times when a treatment finally worked.

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They were out of puppy latte cups for Sophie & Tyson but, thankfully, my friend knew that short cups existed for kid’s hot chocolates so magic still happened. SOMETHING I LEARNED: Do NOT write on red cups with a black marker. You won’t be able to see it well…just photoshop the words on instead. lol

Tomorrow, we have a pretty important scan. My Dr. told us it was a developmental scan so see if the baby was growing as it should, which is standard so we would very much appreciate prayers & good vibes that all looks well.

 

12

No More Morning Sickness?

It happened. I knew it would eventually & I was terrified about this moment coming. It doesn’t help at all that this occurred a lot sooner than I ever thought it would.

I’m 9 weeks & 5 days today and I barely got sick at all this morning. TMI moment ahead (this is your warning to skip forward): I only threw up a little bit in my mouth this am & yesterday wasn’t nearly the amount I was throwing up. Even then I worried but today the anxiety was amplified by a million.

After taking the dogs out into the cool chill of the morning, I nervously paced around, then decided to go get a breakfast sandwich for distraction. While in line, I messaged a friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner & former L&D nurse to ask her opinion on things. She asked if I was almost 10 weeks & said that, typically, the further along you are in pregnancy, morning sickness resolves. She added that, in one of her pregnancies, her’s began to clear upΒ between 10-13 weeks.

& you would think that would make me feel better….but, as another blogger I follow on WordPress said, “Pregnancy after loss is not like pregnancy, period.” (Nara, from Zero to Zygote). Pregnancy after loss is terror. A damn near constant state of terror. Every twinge in my body worries me. Everything my body does & doesn’t do worries me. Is this okay? Is it normal? Should I be worried?

Once you’ve endured multiple losses, I feel like a large part of the joy of pregnancy is taken away. I envy women I see announcing at 5 weeks on FB & talking about their pregnancy constantly. In truth, I’m afraid to mention mine for the most part because I think…will it still be here tomorrow? Are things still okay for now? Why is my morning sickness gone?

You become guarded & super paranoid. When something happens that really warrants worry, you’re doomed.

Please send some prayers up for us that everything is fine & it was just time for my morning sickness to be over. We have a Dr’s appointment & ultrasound Monday that I’ll now be even more anxious for.

What was your experience with morning sickness??? At what point did itΒ go away?Β 

7

Cat’s Out Of The Bag!

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Since Scott couldn’t restrain from shouting it to the rooftops any longer………you were worth the wait. ❀

We had our ultrasound yesterday & everything looked great!!!!! &…..we even heard the heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We got a little scared at first because we saw her looking for it & didn’t hear anything until she moved a little more & there it was. Best sound I’ve ever heard. We were elated. The heart rate was 132 BPMΒ & the tech said that was about average. Scan was also right in line with my LMP at 7 weeks & 2 days.

When we got back to the room & were waiting for the Dr. to come in after the nurse asked us 10000 questions, I looked over at Scott & said do you think we should wait? He knew what I was talking about. His face immediately looked like a kid in a lunchroom line who learned there were no more deserts.

The appt. went well & my Dr. is happy with my levels & the scan. Because of my history, she wants me to come back in for another ultrasound & appt in 3 weeks just to be safe, which I don’t mind at all. She also said I could probably be taken off the Progesterone at this point because my level is so good BUT, again, just to be safe, she’s leaving me on it until we enter the second trimester. Sine my HCG level was so good last Thursday she thought there was no need to repeat it at this point.

Before I left, they took what felt like 10 swabs (it was probably only 5 if we’re bing honest lol) from my vajayjay, felt my cervix, & did a TON of blood work that almost made me pass out….but I got my favorite fro yo after so all was well πŸ˜›

Symptoms:

-Morning sickness. I was probably the happiest person alive for this to happen. I sent my sister a text with those celebration emojis and her response was, “what is wrong with you?” lol It started on Monday & has lasted through the week so far. My OB gave me some vitamins that are suppose to help with it so maybe I can convince myself to take them in a few days. In truth, I love my morning sickness because I feel like it’s my body saying, “Hey, things are still alright!” Also, I found an article saying that you’re less likely to miscarry if you experience morning sickness sooooo…..I’m hanging on to that!

-Fatigue. I’m still a lazy Mazy.

Next appt: November 7th

As always, thank you so much to everyone who has supported us through this journey & continued to pray for us along the way!!!! We appreciate you more than you know!!!!!! Please keep up the prayers that this pregnancy keeps going well!!!!!

Also, thank you to all who follow along on the blog & did NOT spill the beans before we did….I didn’t wanna cut anybody ;P

 

0

On The Rise

I can’t complain about today’s blood work but it sure started off on the wrong foot. I left the house early this morning & signed in for labs like I normally do. After sitting there way longer than usual, the receptionist called me back up to inform me the order was not in. I told her I wasn’t sure why because my Dr. ordered repeat labs twice weekly. She wasn’t getting an answer at their office because the phones were staying busy so I ended up hanging out to skim bits & pieces of HGTV. After nearly 40 minutes, problem solved.

Early this afternoon (thank God), the nurse called to say my Dr. thought my numbers were, “fantastic.”

My HCG is 14072 & she said my Progesterone was still above 50.

With that, she said, “It looks like we’ll see you next Tuesday for your first OB appointment & ultrasound in the office.”

I asked if I was still suppose to go in for another blood check Thursday & she wasn’t sure so put me on hold. She came back a few seconds later to say she grabbed my Dr. coming out of a room who said, Β if I wanted to go in again, I could but I didn’t have to. So that made me feel more at ease since they don’t appear concerned.

I’m not sure if I’ll go in again, or just wait until next week. Pregnancy after loss is a terrifying thing, let me tell you, so peace of mind is always vital. For instance, TMI, I went to the bathroom this am &, when I checked after wiping (which I always do in the midst of my paranoia), noticed it was yellow & possibly even a light something of another color (totally making sense so far, right?). I text said potential unknown color to my husband then called him in a panic. He was his usual self, talking low & reassuring…that man needs to look into hostage negotiating, I swear. We concluded that it was probably just yellow & nothing to worry about.

& then my stomach started to hurt. Oh, no. Panic resumed….until I realized it was just gas & I happened to run to the bathroom a lot that day. So it’s fine lol but the crazy pregnancy after loss lady says, “who knew!”

In addition to the above, symptom wise, I’m still just really fatigued/tired all the time, my boobs are weird, & I’m getting headaches. But I’ll take any & all preggo symptoms happily after the road I’ve trudged to get here.

Here’s to hoping things continue going smoothly & our first appointment/second ultrasound go smoothly! I’m hoping we can hear the heartbeat because I feel like that will put us more at ease as well. The anxieties of pregnancy article Scott sent me after my frantic picture/phone call noted that miscarriage decreased a lot once a heartbeat could be detected. With that being said, if they can hear the heartbeat at that point, we will probably announce that day.

I know that nothing is a guarantee but we’ve never gotten this far & I feel like, for me personally anyway, I want to celebrate this victory. For the people who say oh, I’d wait till the second trimester, I say, if something bad is going to happen, it’s going to happen. &, quite frankly, I’ve never hidden any of our infertility journey. I’ve been very open about it & I feel that’s a good thing. It’s been a taboo subject for too long. People should be able to talk about infertility in general & miscarriages & receive support from those around them in the event that something does go wrong.

So we don’t see any point in waiting after that & can’t wait to share the news with everyone. πŸ™‚

Again, I will post my disclaimer that if you ruin this announcement (1 of 9085930478023), I will personally be forced to cut you. lol

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2

HCG Check & Updates

Today was another HCG check day. I begrudgingly forced myself to get up early & go in around the same time as I always have (so the numbers are accurate, duh! -crazy paranoid preggo lady).

I got a call a little after lunch from the nurse & she said my Dr, “thinks your numbers are great!”

Of, course this alone was not enough for me so I asked, like I always do, what my HCG was. It was 4037!!!!!!!Β 

I feel like I keep repeating myself in saying I’ve never had numbers this high before. Once I heard they’re now 4037, I feel like we can rest a little easier now. Scott feels the same.

Right now, I’m just taking it one day at a time & being immensely thankful for the good news we’ve had so far. I’m trying to stay out of catastrophizing that something will go wrong & staying in the place of waiting for the shoe to drop at any second so to speak.

In other news, preggo wise, I started having actual symptoms this week. I threw up Tuesday & I was the MOST excited person on earth about it (because it meant things were going well)! LOL IDK if it was the preggo hormones, or my bronchitis/sinus infection…but I’m going to choose to believe it has something to do with the pregnancy. Also, turn away men, my boobs are HIGHLY sensitive & are now an odd color (TMI lol). Other than that, I’m just extremely sleepy all the time. On top of just being pregnant, the progesterone also helps this along. I took a 2.5 hour nap this evening & I feel like I could nap again. NOTE: I am in now way complaining about any of this, in fact I love it. lol Any positive symptoms are always welcome because that makes me feel like things are going okay.

I have repeat labs again Monday & Thursday, & then, the next week, we have another ultrasound & our first OB appt on Tuesday!!!!! Β *squeal

Please continue to keep us in you prayers. We are hoping things continue to go as they are πŸ™‚

18

It Is Well

“& through it all

through it all

my eyes are on you

& through it all

through it all

it is well”

After fully mourning all of our treatment failures, I’ve always believed that, someway somehow, we’d become parents one day.

Growing up, I watched a lot of Joyce Meyer & something she said has always stuck with me in the midst of hard times: “God will give you double for your trouble.”

That’s what I’ve told myself to maintain my sanity in all of this. In a world where seemingly every strung out addict, child abuser, & teenager can get pregnant when you can’t, you start to doubt things. You start to wonder why. You think that maybe, just maybe, you can’t have children because you’d be a terrible mother.

I held onto hope that, in some form, I’d get to be a mom to some pretty special kiddos. Was it easy to always believe this? NO!!! Of, course not. There were times when you may as well have told me pigs were finally flying. I’d heard promises, enough of, “I believe this one is gonna be it for you!” Especially, in the midst of fertility drugs...especially then. Do not try to be overly positive or talk sense into a woman pumped with a shit load of hormones. Just don’t do it.

While we’ve done two cycles of Femera recently & have an upcoming appt with a new RE to discuss doing an FET with our 1 snow baby, we entered the world of foster care. Going in, I became fully prepared to parent someone else’s child & give them back. I prepared for partnership with birth parents, visitations, the whole shebang. Even though we went into this in hopes of adoption, we doubted it would come to us soon. We believed that, after fostering a few kiddos, a situation where adoption became the plan would present itself. But we never believed it would be the first thing that came along.

A few weeks ago, we were asked to do respite for a seven month old baby boy. We had him for a few days & our worker checked in to see how it was going with him several times (which seemed strange at the time considering she hadn’t done that with the last respite placement). Yesterday, when he’d be returning to his foster home soon, she text me again asking about him. I told her it had went really well & mentioned that his foster mom had told me his goal would soon be adoption and her family couldn’t adopt him as they are much older. I let her know we were interested in adopting him if possible. And then it happened….she told me that had been her plan all along & she felt it would be a great fit!!!!! She even told me she’d spoken to her supervisor about it who also felt it would be a good fit for all involved.

For now, we’re just waiting to be officially approved-something our worker said should hopefully happen this week. When that happens, we can talk about how baby boy will be transitioned to our home.

We are over the moon excited & praying all works out. We feel this would be the perfect situation for us as bio mom has already TPR-ed (terminated parental rights) & bio dad is expected to have his done next month since he hasn’t followed through with requirements at all at this point.

I for one won’t be able to breathe until this is all said & done. Just trying to contain my excitement.

So now we wait….something I’m still not very good at, at this point.

If you pray, please send prayers up for our situation please!!

“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” ~Isiah 61:7