Infertility is a process. Not a linear process but a process nonetheless.
To me, it resembles the stages of grief. You don’t have to go through the process in any particular order & you may go back and forth between stages on occasion.
For instance, before my recent miscarriage, I was finally in a place that I could go to children’s Birthday parties & enjoy myself. A place where, on a good day, I may even be able to drop by a baby shower.
This past weekend, I was invited to two of my friend’s kiddo’s Birthday parties. One was a first Birthday & another was a third. Having found out I was miscarrying a little over a week beforehand, I knew going would be too much for me. Not because I didn’t want to celebrate the lives of their children I’ve grown to love. Not because I wasn’t happy they had precious children of their own. But because, in this moment, it would have reminded me of things not to come for my own children.
Things like Birthday parties. Baby showers. Cake smashes. Party games.
There aren’t any games or parties where my children are….well, I don’t know, maybe there are. Maybe they’re up with the person I’d trust most in the world with my children (mamaw) playing video games with her while she cusses at the screen when she loses & shows them the ropes of game play.
But I can’t see that.
All I can see is happy families loving their children. Children that I may not ever be able to have. I may never get Birthday parties or everything that comes with them. And, in the present moment, going to children’s parties is just something I have to accept is too much for me.
And I hope people get that. Thankfully, both friends I text over the weekend got it. They said what I needed. They understood. It was okay. Hugs & emoji hearts all around.
That is what I hope for all of you who find certain events too hard at times. Because, I assure you, there will be many times throughout this journey when you just can’t, despite how much a part of you may like to, participate in certain things. There may be times that you can, which is great, but that may change on a dime to a time that you can’t. And that’s okay.
You know where you are in your journey. Accept & honor that.