Think Before You Post

As pregnancy & infant loss awareness month is quickly approaching, I urge all those posting fake pregnancy announcements to think before they post.
To 1 in 8 people who struggle with some form of infertility, your post is not funny at all. In fact, it’s downright hurtful.

It’s hard enough as it is for those struggling with infertility to keep seeing the pregnancy announcements of others come & come when they still haven’t had an announcement of their own. While we are happy for our friends, it’s a reminder, time & time again, of what we still haven’t gotten to experience.

This month, & always, I urge you to think before you post. Your post is not funny & has the potential to harm someone you care about.

Lets Save The Boobies & Remember The Babies this month (& always).

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

 

 

The Cost Of Infertility, Dollar Sign Edition (Continued)

A while back, when we finished up our slew of IUIs & two failed IVFs, I wrote an updated blog post on what infertility had cost us money wise. You can find that full post, broken down in details, here: https://wordpress.com/post/disorderlylove.wordpress.com/1938

The total at that point in time came out to be $26, 647.48.

Since then, we’ve had the following expenses:

-Laproscopy with anesthesia: $1000 (insurance covered the additional cost).

-Pregnitude: $40.00

-Femera (2): $30.00

-1 follicle ultrasound (when I did not ovulate on my own): $200

-The Stork: $79.99

-Progesterone after positive HCG: $15.00

-Blood work through the ER to re-check my HCG $300.00 (Our insurance did not cover this as I was out of town & we just have terrible insurance all around).

-ER visit when I was having a miscarriage while on vacation: $300

-Miscarriage blood workup: FREE! The one thing that has been covered since it was blood work (blood work is free for clinic employees). I believe, had we not had insurance, this would’ve cost us around $800.00

-Femera: $15.00

-Follicle Ultrasound: $200

-Progesterone: $15.00

-The Stork (2): 159.98

-Pregnitude: $40.00

Total additional cost: 29, 042.45

Also, I cannot resist pointing out that, after the 29, it reads 042…which is where we’re at right now. So, even if our infertility journey FINALLY ends tomorrow, that will be how much we’ve spent at this point.

Infertility is a ridiculously expensive thing, more so than I would have ever imagined. Fortunately, 15 states do cover infertility TX…unfortunately for us, we don’t happen to live in one of those states…though we border two of them..how fair is that? lol

More Answers

I got a call from my doctor’s office today about the blood work I had done two weeks ago.

The nurse started off with (after the initial hello, I’m ___ from Dr.___ office), “Well, overall, everything came back normal.”

& my heart sank because I thought we hadn’t gone anywhere. I thought, after all of this time, we still had no answers.

But she continued.

“You do have a blood clotting factor. So she wants you to go ahead & start taking a baby Aspirin, about 87 mgs, daily before you even get pregnant. When you do get pregnant, call us back immediately & we’ll start you on a blood thinner injection called Levonox.”

Poor girl went on to try to assure me the shots weren’t he bad &, “we’ll show you how to do them,” until I chimed in with, “after all the shots i’ve had for IVF, I’m sure it’ll be nothing.”

I was probably the most ecstatic person a medical professional has ever informed they had a blood clotting issue that would require further treatment. I AM OVER THE MOON!!!!!

I’m sure if you are, or have ever been where I’ve been, you get it. After a miscarriage, two miserable/hellacious/insert all other synonyms for terrible here, rounds of failed IVF, on top of the 3 preceding IUIs, then the laprosocpic surgery, & then the oh, wait-miracle baby…just kidding, I am past ready to know why. 

&, after the worst summer of my life that has consisted of nothing but bad news, I was well over due for some good today. I needed some hope. I haven’t seen any in a while & it is much welcomed.

I’m hoping that this was the reason I’ve miscarried around the same time in both pregnancies & that, FINALLY, we will be able to stop it. Hopefully.

Be hopeful with me friends!!!

&, again, I’ll jump back on my soapbox for a minute to reiterate:

• If you ever feel you aren’t getting the care &/or attention you need, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!! I REPEAT, GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!! If you want something done, ASK FOR IT!!!!! Bring up your concerns & how you’d like them to be addressed!!! I.E. me asking for blood work
• Lastly, as hard as it is with infertility & all its hell/absence of glory, don’t lose hope. After all, some Disney movie says miracles happen all the time……

 

My snapchat update of the day to all my friends (thanks, for limiting my words & forcing me to resort to drawing them like a 2 year old again Snapchat. Not cool).

Bless her heart, one friend responded, “oh, no!!” To which I quickly replied….

Don’t feel bad…I just said wow in my own head as well.

TMI Fertility Post

Well, another TMI fertility post that is.

This week, I noticed some thick egg white discharge when I’ve been in the bathroom. On one occasion, there was quite a lot & it looked pretty thick & was very sticky.

Why am I sharing this graphic information??

Well, I found out I was miscarrying a little over two weeks ago. Since then, I never expected my cycle to fall back into rhythm so quickly. I’m hoping that the TMI above is a sign that my body is already back in gear & everything will go as planned (for once).

My gyno predicts I’ll reconnect with my period around the 25th. When I do, I’m suppose to call her for another round of the infamous Femera (which is totally not so bad in comparisons to her bitch ass cousin Clomid).

After that, we plan on using two more of The Stork OTC’s this coming cycle since they worked so well for us before. In summary, The Stork, with the help of Femera, was able to get us pregnant when 3 IUI’s & 2 rounds of IVF with ICSI could not. To us, that says something. A lot actually.

Until then, I’ll just be hanging out anxiously awaiting the results of my 13 vials of blood for recurrent miscarriage. If you pray, please throw a few up that they found something there. Finding an issue that’s fixable would make me feel much more confident for what lies ahead in the future.

If you’re still reading this, wish us luck!!!

Green M&M’s

In the beginning of our infertility journey, I stumbled upon a lot of blogs recommending you be your own advocate…& we though we were…until we realized we weren’t.

The BIGGEST thing I like to stress to others going through this rocky ride of infertility is this: BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE!!!!!!!!!!

Having undergone 3 failed IUIs & 2  failed IVFs, only to later find out I had endometriosis & become pregnant on my own with the help of Femera & The Stork OTC, I cannot stress that enough.

During our last appointment with our old RE, we asked him about a lot of things.

What were our chances?

2% on our own.

Why was my egg quality not up to par?

“Research hasn’t gotten there yet.”

What could we do to improve it?

“Nothing, unfortunately. Have you thought about looking into adoption?”

Asking him about the fertility diet & an extra shot I’d read about that worked for another lady who underwent several IVFs that finally had success,

“You may as well go home and eat green M&M’S because that’ll do about the same thing for you.”

Little did we know at the time, he seemed to only want our green M&M’s….dollar sign edition.

I was never once asked if I’d been checked for endo. I was never once asked if I had symptoms of endometriosis. They found my husband’s low morphology & they focused on that, without looking further into possible issues in my body as well.

When I started seeing a new gyno, I told her about my period pain & our fertility struggles. She recommended I have a laparoscopy & I agreed…just before it, I almost canceled because I thought my periods weren’t that bad &, surely, by now if I had it someone would have asked. Someone else would have suggested it by now.

I was wrong.

Groggily waking up form anesthesia, I asked my husband what they’d found….all the while thinking he was going to tell me nothing. I was wrong.

He said something to the effect of, “Well you have it. It was stage 2 but she burned it out.”

I just stared at him. I couldn’t believe it. After all we’d been through this, THIS, could have been the reason for all the miserable failures.

After that, my OB put me on Femera beginning the second cycle after the lap. I’d seen The Stork OTC advertised somewhere and thought WTH, can’t hurt. So we tried it for the first time that month. It failed. And then I reluctantly to try another cycle of Femera, along with two more kits the wonderful people at The Stork OTC sent me in the mail.

& the unthinkable happened.

We got pregnant.

Unfortunately, as you’ve read if you follow this blog, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. However, that is no testament to the product. Quite the opposite really. If anything, it proves how beneficial the product can be in treating infertility at home. If The Stork worked for us after all of our very expensive failures, I’d recommend it to anyone. A reproductive specialist may tell you that you may as well eat green M&M’s but, just remember, they’re also getting a lot of your green M&M’s.

If you think something isn’t right in the care you’re receiving, speak up. Say something. Get a second opinion. Ask questions. & try the, “green M&M’s.”

They can’t hurt & they’re a whole hell of a lot cheaper.

In closing, BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If something doesn’t feel like it’s going right, it’s probably not.

 

Fun fact: If you order The Stork through Target online, you can currently save 25%

Bittersweet

Mine were just in reverse.

Tuesday, after 3 years since seeing a positive pregnancy test, a miracle-I don’t know what else to call it-occured. I squinted down, more than once, to see, “Pregnant, 1-2 weeks,” which was right on par with where I should be.

The next morning, after being told the night before that mamaw was improving, I got a phone call. She passed away.

I lost my best friend in the entire world Wednesday.
The person who made me who I am, loved me when I wasn’t very lovable, took care of me when I was sick, talked about me constantly to friends and family, & watched I Love Lucie with me entirely too late most nights growing up.
There are no words.
I will always love you Lucie…forever your Ethel 👵🏽❤️❤️❤️❤️

The first night of visitation was today & it was also the best & worst day of my life. It was the best because, this morning, we went to a local lab to get a second HCG that, not only doubled, but quadrupled. The number was 87! It was the worst because it was the first day I had to say goodbye to my best friend. My rock.

When I said goodbye to her tonight, I did find solace in that, when I started crying for the thousandth time today, I heard her say, “Don’t cry, sissy.” It’s something she always said to me…even though my heart is completely shattered, I know she would be so happy I, hopefully, won’t have to do any more fertility drugs & that we finally, hopefully, got our miracle baby. That’s what she would want.

I hate that I never got to tell her & she will never get to meet them here but I find solace in that God gave us our baby at the perfect time and also that I like to believe she played a part in it.

“You were like my mother. You were my best friend. You’re everything I wanna be & all the good inside of me thats never been. Never be another, love me like you did. My grandmother, my angel.”

_________________________________________________________________

Back to the numbers, what do my infertility ladies think on that????Are they good??? Do they look like we’ll avoid an ectopic or miscarriage???? Any thoughts appreciated……

Again, if you have me on social media, please do not mention this until after we announce. I’ve been through hell in all the infertility treatments and planned about 399238403 different announcements. lol

It Is Well

“& through it all

through it all

my eyes are on you

& through it all

through it all

it is well”

After fully mourning all of our treatment failures, I’ve always believed that, someway somehow, we’d become parents one day.

Growing up, I watched a lot of Joyce Meyer & something she said has always stuck with me in the midst of hard times: “God will give you double for your trouble.”

That’s what I’ve told myself to maintain my sanity in all of this. In a world where seemingly every strung out addict, child abuser, & teenager can get pregnant when you can’t, you start to doubt things. You start to wonder why. You think that maybe, just maybe, you can’t have children because you’d be a terrible mother.

I held onto hope that, in some form, I’d get to be a mom to some pretty special kiddos. Was it easy to always believe this? NO!!! Of, course not. There were times when you may as well have told me pigs were finally flying. I’d heard promises, enough of, “I believe this one is gonna be it for you!” Especially, in the midst of fertility drugs...especially then. Do not try to be overly positive or talk sense into a woman pumped with a shit load of hormones. Just don’t do it.

While we’ve done two cycles of Femera recently & have an upcoming appt with a new RE to discuss doing an FET with our 1 snow baby, we entered the world of foster care. Going in, I became fully prepared to parent someone else’s child & give them back. I prepared for partnership with birth parents, visitations, the whole shebang. Even though we went into this in hopes of adoption, we doubted it would come to us soon. We believed that, after fostering a few kiddos, a situation where adoption became the plan would present itself. But we never believed it would be the first thing that came along.

A few weeks ago, we were asked to do respite for a seven month old baby boy. We had him for a few days & our worker checked in to see how it was going with him several times (which seemed strange at the time considering she hadn’t done that with the last respite placement). Yesterday, when he’d be returning to his foster home soon, she text me again asking about him. I told her it had went really well & mentioned that his foster mom had told me his goal would soon be adoption and her family couldn’t adopt him as they are much older. I let her know we were interested in adopting him if possible. And then it happened….she told me that had been her plan all along & she felt it would be a great fit!!!!! She even told me she’d spoken to her supervisor about it who also felt it would be a good fit for all involved.

For now, we’re just waiting to be officially approved-something our worker said should hopefully happen this week. When that happens, we can talk about how baby boy will be transitioned to our home.

We are over the moon excited & praying all works out. We feel this would be the perfect situation for us as bio mom has already TPR-ed (terminated parental rights) & bio dad is expected to have his done next month since he hasn’t followed through with requirements at all at this point.

I for one won’t be able to breathe until this is all said & done. Just trying to contain my excitement.

So now we wait….something I’m still not very good at, at this point.

If you pray, please send prayers up for our situation please!!

“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.” ~Isiah 61:7

Becoming Mama

Not much in my life has happened the way I planned, the way that I thought it would. Becoming a mama was no different.

Growing up & well into my adult life, I thought it would happen the way it usually does. I’d meet someone I loved, we’d get pregnant, &,  you know the rest. As it turns out, for me anyway, that’s not the way it happened at all.

Three years ago, I miscarried. Until that moment, things had went according to plan. When I looked down at the squinter of the only pregnancy test I’d ever seen with two pink lines (minus the other I took the next day just to be sure),  it was, in that moment, I thought I’d become a mother. And then I had a second blood draw at the gynecologist to hear that my levels weren’t rising. While they were suppose to be doubling daily, mine were remaining stagnant. Soon after, I started bleeding during a night class. I went in the next day for more blood draws &, later that day, I’d hear it. I’d be told that my levels were dropping & I was having a miscarriage. My heart literally sank to my feet while Oceans played in the background. I use to love that song….until it sang silently in the background while I was being told my world was falling apart.

Fast forward to meeting & falling in love with my husband. While we’d thought we would get pregnant fairly easily, it seemed we were mistaken. After some testing & several very invasive treatments, our journey to parenthood remained a flashing access denied.

When we embarked on this journey toward fostering, we never dreamed that a child would come into our home & so quickly become attached to us. Never dreamed that, after twenty four hours, they’d look to us as parents & refer to us as such. I believe it was the second day kiddo was with us when I heard it. He looked up at me because he wanted something &, before I noticed him doing so, let it out. “Mama!”

I froze. Initially, I was sure I’d have to create an age appropriate explanation as to where mama was….& then I realized it…he wasn’t asking for his birth mom. He was referring to me.

It was in that moment that I feel like I became a mother. In the worldly sense anyway. Having a miscarriage & then losing 4 embabies is a funny thing…you’re not sure what you’re any more. You were almost a mother but not quite…something got in the way. There was a wrong turn & you never really arrived there. Until now.

“A child born to another mother calls me mama. Both the tragedy & the magnitude of that is not lost on me.”

As a foster parent, you never now how long a child will be with you. You never know how long you will be there to keep them safe, or how long their time with you will be. What you do know is that you love these children & you want to do so for as long as you can.

Not much in my life has worked out the way I’d planned…but a few of those unexpected moments have worked out in the most beautiful of ways. I may not have been able to get pregnant naturally, through IUIs, or even IVF’s so far….but it did lead me to fostering. Although I’m new to the game & have much to learn, I am truly thankful for that & excited to give kiddos in great need love in the most challenging of times.

Fostering has not only, after great struggle, made me a mama but also makes my heart beat & sets my soul on fire. I never dreamed I’d say this but I am thankful for the way things have worked out up to this point.

I’m definitely not the person I was three years ago…I hope you aren’t either ❤️

Balancing Work & Infertility Treatments

Last week, I wrote a post on work & infertility where I ask you readers how you balanced both.

To recap, working and undergoing infertility treatments is hard. For many women, this can sometimes even be impossible.

You need the money to afford the treatments but, in turn, may not be able to attend the appointments/procedures required. It’s a slippery slope.

While everyone’s situation is unique to them, I feel like the feedback I received on my earlier post was good food for thought.

Here is what you ladies shared with me:

-Several women who responded reported working jobs from home in order to have control of their schedules. By doing so, they avoid forfeiting an extra income & still get to have a more flexible schedule that allows them to attend appointments.

-Others said they reduced down to only part time positions in order to do the same. While they did take a pay cut in doing so, they also got to keep some of their income & still maintain more of a flexible schedule.

-Some of the ladies shared that being teachers allowed them to make their infertility appts because 1.) they could schedule appointment later in the day (verses a 8-5 job) & 2.) their summers were able to be utilized for treatments.

-Scheduling appointments super early around 7 (if possible), or 8.

-This was a piece of advice unique to me in beginning a new job from Dani at The Great Pudding Club Hunt: “You could potentially be upfront with your new employer when you negotiate a start date to say I can start now, but I should tell you that I will have roughly this many doctors appointments in the coming 2 months..do you think we could work out a plan? You don’t need to tell them why exactly.”

-Dani also added, “I have also been really open with my employer about my treatment….so I gave them lots of warning that I would be on sick leave at some point during week X, and so blocked out meetings/arranged for cover for the whole week, even though I knew I would only be out for 1 or 2 days. That seemed to work for me.”

–Nara from Zero To Zygote said, “I think in terms of the appointments, what helped me was making a spreadsheet (geek!) listing out the dates and the possible days I would need to be free, based on my dates in IVF 1. This meant that I had a good idea of when I would need to try and be more “flexible” at work and also when we couldn’t be away, etc.”

-Also from Nara, ” I’d take the week off for stims – when you have to go in every other day for scans. In the event, I didn’t need to as I was working my notice and they don’t care if you’re in or not! But I definitely think you need to 1) Know what the possible date ranges are; 2) Preferably take time off when you have a bunch of appointments (mainly stims, egg collection) as that is a lot less stressful than trying to make excuses at work.”

An Update On My Situation:

Ultimately, I was offered the job I spoke about in my previous post & accepted it. I’ll be starting tomorrow.

I’ve decided to give it a shot &, if it’s impossible to make appointments &/or the job itself just isn’t for me, I can step out.

In the meantime, we’ll have some extra income to put back for future infertility treatments!

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What do you ladies think about this list?????? Is there anything you’d add??????? 

Work & Infertility Treatment

No matter which method of treatment you choose for infertility, one thing remains the same: the Dr’s appointments.

When we did IVF, I had three ultrasounds (AKA monitoring appointments) per cycle. I also had to be available in a three day window for egg retrieval &, depending on that, available for another three day window afterwards for transfer (putting the embabies back in their home).

Even now with our upcoming course of treatment involving only using Femera & trying naturally for two cycles, there are appointments. I have an ultrasound to check for follicle growth (I’m guessing) & an appointment with my gyno’s nurse practitioner afterwards as she’s out of town. In addition, I have another appointment with my Dr. mid June for a second surgery follow up, as well as evaluating how Femera worked for me.

Not to mention that, if this method of treatment fails, we have a consult with another RE near the end of July. To add to the fun, he also happens to be located  over an hour away.

To sum it up, working while undergoing these treatments is hard. Sometimes, doing both can even be damn near impossible (depending on your job and other factors). For that reason, I know a lot of women who opt out of work completely to avoid the headache and added stress of taking off so much.

And then comes the rub…even though you’re available for a plethora of appointments, you’ve also lost a second income &, potentially, the ability to pay for these treatments. It’s a catch 22 at its best. You have more availability for treatment but less ability to pay for it.

As I recently graduated from grad school (wew!!), & even more so since I interviewed for a job, I’ve been thinking a lot about the above. Initially, I’d planned to look for work near the end of summer. I did, however, apply for some jobs with the belief that it would take until then to go through the hiring process. Well, friends, I was wrong! I got an interview a week later & an email this morning from them asking when would be a good time to call, “regarding a position.” Based upon my previous experience in the job market, I feel like that’s a pretty good indicator I’m going to be offered the job. If not, I’d expect the standard, “Thank you, so much for taking the time to interview with us. Unfortunately…..”

While this is a great news for financial reasons, I’m stuck on the fence because of our infertility & journey to parenthood. But it got me thinking a lot on our current dilemma. A dilemma that many other infertile know all too well. It has also inspired me to write an upcoming blog post on HOW to balance work life & infertility TX.

But I need your help…..any input/information is appreciated!

Thank you, friends!

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What are your thoughts on infertility treatment and employment??? How did/do you balance work life and treatment??? What words of advice would you give others?????