At the beginning of our road in infertility, I was another person entirely. I miss that person..she was so full of hope. In the beginning, I had so much hope that our first IUI would work. When it didn’t, I thought, surely, they’d do the trick for us by the 3rd time, if not the second. The second & third bat at it came to pass, both as unsuccessful as the first. & then there was IVF, the last hoorah for so many people. The most expensive & last resort for infertile duos. With a 3 out of 4 shot, we believed, really believed, we’d get a baby out of that….3 out of 4, what are the odds it won’t happen, right?
& then it didn’t.
So we moved on to a second attempt. We lowered the dosage of my meds to have better quality eggs, we prayed, we asked everyone around us to pray, &, again, we hoped…&, again, our dreams came to pass. Our arms are still empty & our hearts are bitter at best.
If I could back & tell myself what I know now, I’m not sure what I would say….I don’t have any hopeful words, or any pearls of wisdom I’d depart on myself.
All that I know is that infertility has changed me dramatically as a person. Some for the better…& some for the worst, if we’re being honest.
On the bright side, I have much more compassion in my heart for those struggling with infertility. I have much more compassion for couples who foster to adopt/adopt with the knowledge that, in any moment, their child could be ripped from their arms.
On the other end of things, I am so incredibly bitter that, sometimes, it physically hurts. At my practicum, during assessments on those in the midst of addiction, I have to hear that they have 3-7 kids every single day. I cringe when I get to the question that comes after the others involving legal troubles and methods of use. My teeth clench together & I hold my breath when I ask it. If the words were coming from people who wanted to change I feel it would be easier..most often, that is not the case. Sadly, most are there to avoid legal ramifications of their drug use or because they ran out of money to get their fix and don’t want to DT in the streets.
I think of them & all the families I worked with in my previous job that did not care about their children. I remember all too well working with families that wouldn’t complete minimal requirements in our program when they knew losing their children would be a direct result.
& I wonder why. Why the universe seems to bless them so abundantly in the realm of fertility when there are many other couples like us that would love & care for a child so much.
There is no sense I can make of it.
So, for now, this is all I have to hang onto.
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away