2

The Move

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” -Nelson Mandela

As I said in an earlier post, we moved a week after Elijah was born (because we are certifiably insane lol). What I don’t believe I mentioned was that the move was to an area Scott & I are both from. To give a bit of a backstory, because his job is so specialized, it doesn’t offer many positions in certain areas. Unfortunately, the, “small,” city we lived in didn’t have any openings & the uncertainty of his former job continued to loom over our heads. So, with being responsible for a new human life & all, we chose to bite the bullet & leave before his position was cut. We had a few choices in bordering states, as well as some down in Florida but chose to go closer to family since a job opportunity was here. Here specifically being Eastern, Kentucky.

For my U.K.. & out of state followers: Eastern, KY is a different sort of place than the rest of the U.S. It’s a very rural area with not nearly as much forward thinking as the rest of the states have to offer. It was also an area that massively helped Donald Trump gain victory in the election….let that tell you what it will. lol

With that being said, there have been a few things about living here that have bothered us.

For one, for the most part, the people here don’t trust other people & are leery of outsiders. One quick way we were reminded of this was noticing it’s rare for people to smile at you or smile back at you. I’ve heard of this also being the case in NY as there are just so many people & the lifestyle is so fast paced but I find it interesting this is also the case here. One reason I think this mentality is present in the area is, years ago when out of state people came into the area, they presented these legal documents to Appalachian people who could not read to sell their mineral rights for next to no money & ripped them off big time. Ever since, it seems as if the don’t trust outsiders has remained a common theme.

Something that ties into people not trusting others is that the area, minus within individual churches, is there isn’t a sense of community. What I mean by this is that, unlike places like Lexington, there aren’t any groups like mom groups.. There are no weekly or even monthly events within the community. I had even, going out on a limb, posted on Facebook before the move back asking if anyone wanted to get together for a stroller group sort of thing with their children. Zero interest lol Not one person commented & there are a lot of people on my FB from here.

Another thing my husband, his manager (who lived away from the area for a few years as well), several other people he works with that live out of the state & commute, & myself have noticed is that a lot more people who live here are rude. For example, we were grocery shopping last week &, while I was getting Elijah out of the baby wrap, a lady came up behind me. The parking spaces were at an odd angel so I asked her if that was her car she was trying to get to. She replied it was & I moved over, shutting the door a bit to let her through. My husband came around by that time to put him in his car seat. As he was strapping him in, the woman starts backing up &, had he not stepped out to hold his hand up, would have taken out my car door that she could see was present the entire time. When he closed the door, she backed out & sped off. His manager, who Scott shared this story with, said she’d experienced much of the same while living here & even noticed it in the elementary school her children go to.

THIS IS NOT TO SAY THAT ALL PEOPLE LIVING HERE ARE RUDE, I know a lot of really good people living here/who are from the area.

There’s also a depressed feeling being in the area because it is so rural. There is A LOT more poverty concentrated here than other places. There are a lot of empty run down buildings sitting around, along with some run down ones that are still occupied. In the place we’re currently renting, we’ve seen a few run down or empty homes as well.

There’s also just not a lot of diversity here. I.E. white is the racial majority & you don’t even see a lot of people from other groups. Among other things.

With all of the above, compounded with the fact that you are away from common conveniences (like the mall, Target, Starbucks, a wide selection of restaurants), you are also away from good healthcare/specialty healthcare as well. For example, Elijah needs suck training so I’ll be taking him to Lexington for that biweekly because it’s not something that’s offered here. My husband & I, along with his family that lives here, don’t trust the hospitals in the area &, if possible, would make the drive to Lexington anyway for better care. Fact: 2 out of 4 of my grandparents died in a hospital here due to the fault of the hospital. So yeah, it’s not exactly a promising place to be here.

I asked my cousin who had tried moving back to the area before how he had managed & what his experience had been. For him, it was much of the same, adding, “Once you move away & your perspective of the world changes on every level, you become inherently different.” He also agreed that there is definitely a depressive energy in the air. On surviving it, his advice was to, “try to find people you can relate to…& buy lots of alcohol.” LOL

While I won’t be following the latter part of that advice, Scott & I have already came to the realization that we cannot stay here. Our plan is to ride out the year (as we are locked in per his contract) & then, ideally, move back to Lexington or another city we’d feel more at home in.

I am not saying Eastern, KY is an awful place with nothing to offer the rest of the world. I think it has a lot to offer. What I’m saying is that, once you leave & are use to a totally different lifestyle, it’s very hard to live here again.

In other life update news, we will be moving within he next month…again thanks, to our crapyy landlord/living situation. The AC has never worked upstairs, despite us bringing this up to him, & his solution to cool the 3 bedrooms & 2 baths up there was to, “provide a window unit.” We can also hear our neighbors through the walls, as well as any & all traffic noise. So yeah, it’s not working out lol We will still be living in the area because of the contract, just not here.

I also need to give an update on our breastfeeding journey & what that has entailed but that’s for another post.

Have a beautiful week, friends!

4

Moving On

As we are nearing the other side of this long road of infertility (as odd as that is to say since I am still paranoid something will go wrong most of the time), I’ve thought a lot about how this will effect my blog & our life as a whole-specifically for those who are still deep in the trenches of their battle.

On one hand, I have been, & remain to be, sensitive to the feelings of others who are still TTC their own miracles. On another, after going through so much & believing having children was something that was never going to happen for me, I am also elated & believe that the biggest miracle of our lives deserves to be celebrated.

With that being said, I full well respected anyone who needed to unfollow me on any form of social media. I get it. There were several times in our struggle where I had to do the same in order to protect myself. Seeing announcements were  incredibly painful. They seemed to be, for me, especially difficult when coming from someone who, A, instantly got pregnant,  or, B, could easily have children & was newly pregnant with their third child, or, C,  from someone who, weeks or months earlier, had reached out to me to ask about infertility & boom became yet another person who was (successfully) pregnant before me.

And while, as a fellow infertile, you are absolutely elated when a fellow battler moves on, there is a part of you that is also a little sad to be left behind. You feel as if yet another person has moved out of the world you are in & there you still are in this scary, heartbreaking, isolating place. To say it is hard will never quite do it justice.

In the past few months, these things have weighed heavily on my mind as I’ve thought about what this blog will be once we do move on. After a lot of thought & consideration, I’ve decided to continue it & I’ve arrived at that conclusion for the following reasons.

  1. When I started this blog, it was never only about infertility. I’ve also blogged on current events relating to mental health & rape culture, as well as a few lifestyle posts here & there.
  2. Infertility, regardless of moving on, is something that will always greatly effect my life. What we went through to get to this point was horrific, not to say that some people don’t go through just as much or a lot worse than we did. Moving on will also never change the fact that we had two losses & four embabies that didn’t make it. I think about them all the time. Quite often, even now, I wonder who my children would have been had they lived. I know how old they would be & look on in heartache at children their age, especially children of people I knew were pregnant the same times I was then. I look at their cute picture of their children from insignificant days & I think, “that would be my child now.” No amount of separation in time will change the fact that we will never get to know those children. With that being said, infertility will always, always be a big part of my life &, fear not, will be something I continue to blog about because of that.

For those of you still waiting, please know that my heart is with you, I am cheering for you, & I hope you never, ever give up. For those who have moved on or are not effected, while you relish in the immense joy, please continue to be cognizant of those who are not getting to do the same. More than anything, the world needs kinder people.

I hope that you continue following along with us in this journey but also know that I completely understand if you cannot.

Sending lots of love ❤

2

& So I Kept Living

Last week was World Suicide Prevention Week &, this year, TWLOHA’s slogan is, “& so I kept living.”

Shockingly, one of the facts I read this week was that suicide is at a 30 year high in America. That is devastating.

When I think about why the numbers are so high one thing comes to mind…and that is the pressing stigma surrounding mental illness. People don’t talk about it &, if you do, you are often shamed. I know I was. I started this blog & hit on a range of topics, one of which was rape and depression I endured from it. An, “anonymous,” person was trolling my blog at the time &, under a blog I wrote on what flashbacks & PTSD had done to my life, wrote: “Wow, you’re so screwed up. You’re so screwed up that you get anxious when men yell at your on the street?? You don’t need kids, no wonder you can’t have them (in reference to our infertility).”

Wow is the operative word…just not in the context that it was used. I say wow that people are so cruel. Wow that individuals love tearing others down & taking the lowest of blows. Wow that, after someone courageously speaks their shame in hopes of encouraging & helping others, someone would make that something so ugly. It also shows how victim blaming is so alive in our society to the point of blaming women for the suffering  they endure post rape but that’s another post entirely.

The point is, I was shamed for being vulnerable when I already had more than enough shame to hold. And so, for a while, I stopped talking about it. I focused on blogging about infertility, foster care, & lifestyle things in an effort to normalize my life. I tried to act as if the crumbing of my life hadn’t happened at all & I had been just fine all along. But you know what, friends? That isn’t true. I skipped over the worst days. The days that last week were all about. I stopped encouraging others in those very dark places I know all too well & that has been the biggest disservice of all.

This summer, I’ve fallen in love with a beautiful lady who speaks her truth. Unedited, uncensored truth. Her name is Glennon Doyle Melton & she blogs about courageous things over at http://www.momastery.com

This week she blogged about her own dark time & the moment she kept living. And she encouraged me to do so as well.

There was this time in my life that all hope was gone. It was very dark, both figuratively and literally as I was sitting in the dark. I was staring down at the dimly lit screen of my iphone writing something in the notes section. It was a letter to my sister explaining why. I was staring down at my exit door after one literal hell of a year. I’d been raped, several times, & lost some very important people in my family as a result. I was having several flashbacks a day & bad dreams every night. Some nights I woke up screaming &/or in a cold sweat. I kept messing things up, relationships, my life. I was failing at getting out of the darkness. In my mind I knew what I would do but I didn’t..instead, the next day, I called my therapist & we made a game plan.

& so I kept living.

I moved to another city that was 2.5 hours away, away from all my trauma reminders. I took some time off work to dive into working on me. I went to a lot of therapy. I saw a lot of my nutritionist. & I did a lot of work.

& so I kept living.

I got married to my best friend in 2015 & graduated with my masters degree in 2016.

& so I kept living.

I started going to walks about things that matter & talking about them, too.

I started being honest with my closest friends & members of a phenomenal group I’m in.

I kept blogging about infertility.

& I learned a lot of things. But I wouldn’t have learned them if I hadn’t kept living.

I learned that, most often, other people have had some difficult moment in their lives. They may have struggled/struggle with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, etc, etc. So they get it. Or they want to try to. I’ve learned that none of us has had a perfect life &, even if our stories are very different, we can empathize and relate to other people. I’ve learned that talking about it matters, it really matters.

& so I kept living.

“Life is forever tries.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

 

 

0

What’s For Dinner?

Family dinners are something I grew up with thanks to my wonderful mamaw. Nearly every single day after school, we’d run down to her house with our backpacks on to see what was on the stove. In my adult life, dinners are still something I very much appreciate & love preparing as it reminds me of good memories from my youth. However, like most people, I’ve found this isn’t always an easy feat. Life gets busy. As a grad student who has also had 20 hours of practicum to complete weekly, plus homework, plus papers to write, PLUS studying for a comprehensive exam, finding the time to prepare food hasn’t always been readily available. As a result, I’ve come to appreciate quick & easy meals that still taste delicious!

Surfing Pinterest last week, I came across the following & tried it out last night-& OMG, was it delicious! Best of all, FOUR INGREDIENTS!!!!!!! It doesn’t get much easier than that!

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What you need:

  1. Chicken breasts (as many as desired, we did 3 because that’s what we had in the freezer).
  2. Basil/Pesto spread
  3. Tomatoes
  4. Mozzarella cheese

Put 2 tablespoons spread on chicken, top with two tomato slices, then layer cheese. Bake for 50 minutes to an hour @ 400 degrees 😋🍛

I served it with 90 second microwavable rice & 5 minute microwavable brussels sprouts. Not the best options but hey, they’re quick!

Happy dining! 

 

0

Spring Is (Almost) Here! 

&, I don’t know about you, but I’m one excited girl! I’ve had more than enough of winter wonderland this season & am ready to look outside on my flower garden again.

Today, as I was thinking on what to wear for our anniversary photo shoot this Saturday, I started pulling some things together in case my recent order from LJ is a little late.

Here’s what I put together from my closet:

   
 
This would make a perfect Easter, outing, or work outfit (I love outfits with multiple purposes!!!!). 

The skirt is from Entwined, snake skinned flats from GAP, & I am not sure where I came across the top. Also wearing Sephora’s lip stain if anyone is curious about that. 

   
    
 
Thanks, to one of the local artists from my area, I had the perfect backdrop opportunity for a fashion blog post & was not passing that up!

I even took some photography of the piano itself while I was there, it’s such a mesmerizing scene.

   
    
    
    
   
I hope you enjoyed this post, my friends!

&, if you missed the launch of Lauren Jame’s Spring collection yesterday, I highly recommend you check that out! 

Have a wonderful week! 

2

23 Ways Fur Babies Are Like Human Babies

  1. They lose their literal sh*t when you leave the house without them.
  2. No one is happier to see you.
  3. You find yourself asking, “What’s in your mouth?!?!” multiple times a day.
  4. As well as gently reminding them, “We don’t eat bugs, remember?”
  5. Both of their toys come from Toys-R-US! Yes, Pet Smart now has a line specifically from T.R.U that resembles infant & toddler toys-worry no more fellow infertiles!
  6. You can dress them up!! Well, the smaller ones anyway…this becomes more challenging when one of your fur babies is a 130 pound Rottweiler.
  7. You trip over them and exclaim, “I didn’t see you there!” because they follow you everywhereeeee.
  8. Yes, everywhere-you will never go to the bathroom alone every again, fear not!
  9. They can both be taken to the park…sure, one of them is designated as, “dog park,” but a park’s a park, am I right?
  10. They don’t want any other species of their kind loving up on THEIR mommy, or daddy.
  11. Both get free things from the bank drive-thru. Candy and milk bones..same thing.
  12. Each kind of baby requires a babysitter for an extensive out of town trip.
  13. Not every location loves our babies as much as we do, there are kid-friendly places & not so kid-friendly places. Likewise, not everyone welcomes fur babies.
  14. Picking up their toys is NEVER ending!!! &, as soon as you put them all away, the new game is seeing just how quickly they can get them all back out again.
  15. Both love going, “bye, bye!”
  16. They’re scared at the most random of things…like garbage cans & white paper bags..those things are terrifying.
  17. Both kinds of babies get Christmas stockings. I’m sure even some human babies get tethers in their’s as well….
  18. Taking them to the doctor/vet for shots is the absolute worst. If you thought Saw was bad, you haven’t seen anything until you see those glassy eyes staring up at you while your tiny baby cries because they’re getting hurt & don’t understand why you won’t make it stop.
  19. They have Birthday parties….or at least mine do…judge me.
  20. Both of them know when we’re upset &, in turn, become upset themselves.
  21. They won’t get out of our beds even though they have their own..what’s better than mommy & daddy’s memory foam mattress?
  22. They have sibling rivalry! The day my second dog came home, I thought my yorkie was going to murder him. She loathedddddddd his existence for months &, after over two years, reminds him whose boss.
  23. We love them to infinity & they love us right back!

 

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Dog Park Besties

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They wanted to be close to each other on the way home. Be still my heart.

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4

Fall Into Winter Style Guide

The leaves are leafing (hahah….*looks away) & the sky is spitting snow across the North & South. &, if you’re like me, you’re likely freezing too death. Below are a few of my fall/winter favorites that keep me toasty & rain/snow free!

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Hunter boots. I cannot say enough how much I absolutely love these boots! Not only are they the best rain boots I’ve ever had as far as actually keeping my feet from getting wet, they’re also incredibly stylish! & the red is perfect for Christmas season!

Also, they happen to be on sale ATM-which does NOT happen often! If you’ve been longing for some for quite some time (I grieved over them for 2 years before I made the big buy) & want to splurge-or add a hot item to your Christmas list-see below.

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Thanks, shopdandy!

Another favorite for the chilly season……..BLANKET SCARVES!!!!!!!!!!!!

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&, if you really want to, “spread Christmas cheer,” as our friend Buddy The Elf says, you can snag some sweet Christmas apparel!

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I am absolutely IN LOVE with my Christmas headband find from Franscesca’s this weekend! Not only did we mark most of our family off our list this weekend, but I also got a sweet festive headband…I’d say we all won. You can find it here: https://www.francescas.com

Also, the shirt I’m wearing is a free Christmas tee from Lakeside Cotton. It came from marleylilly.com & this is a site to watch closely during the holiday season. They often give away free tees, blanket scarves, etc with a purchase of 50$ or more. While Marley Lilly specializes in monograms, they also have a sister boutique called Monday Dress that has A TON of adorable clothing, accessories, & more! Recently, they’ve also partnered with a plethora of other brands, Lakeside Cotton being one of them.

Last but not least, two of my other personal favorites are

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Riding boots!!!!!

&, something I’ve recently fallen in love with, layered delicate necklaces. IMG_6208

That’s a wrap of my falling into winter favorites! I hope you enjoyed the new category addition to Disorderly Love!!!!!