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If There’s Ever A Next Time

If there’s ever a next time, as far as having a baby goes, we definitely experienced some things first hand we’ll do differently next time.

For starters, the visitors. Before I had Eli I’ll admit I may have raised my eyebrow a bit when I saw other moms & articles written by parents saying they didn’t want visitors while in the hospital. I remember thinking to myself, “Hum, that’s strange! Aren’t you so excited to show your baby to the world????”

Yes, everyone is excited-excited isn’t the word actually-more like overjoyed. But you are also EXHAUSTED in the full sense of the word. My labor started at 2:30 am & Eli was born at almost noon that day. We’d been up since 2:00 when I’d noticed bleeding & grabbed our bag in a rush to get to the hospital. I didn’t get an epidural so there was no sleeping. Natural childbirth, while it was absolutely worth it, takes effort. A lot of freaking effort. We walked the halls a lot early on as I started having contractions because I wanted to keep the labor going & didn’t want it to stall out. Later, our amazing doula helped us try more things/positions to cope with the pain. In other words, we didn’t just hangout in bed all those hours binging Netflix.

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Also…if you are not immediate family, or close friends I talk with on a weekly basis, the time for your to make an appearance is certainly not after my crotch was, literally, ripped open, is bleeding, & hurting like a mother. Did I mention I’m sporting mesh, “underwear,” & sitting on an ice pack?

To add to the fun, I’m trying to figure out how on earth to get a tiny human to breastfeed so the bra has went out the window. Breastfeeding…IE my boobs need to be out when said baby is hungry. Which become a little difficult to do when someone I’ve seen a handful of times is making an appearance. Reserve those visits for when we get home.

Second, the announcing. I had someone else announce via Facebook I was in labor &, as I’ve seen many other moms say, I feel like that is something reserved for the parents to do unless they otherwise specify.

Lastly, if Eli ever becomes a big brother, I’m kicking everyone out of the delivery room. All I want is my husband & my doula ๐Ÿ˜€ My mom freaked out because she said she couldn’t stand to see me in pain-which I can sympathize with since I can imagine that would be difficult. She was also traumatized for months by the amount of blood courtesy of the blood thinners I was on during pregnancy. So there’s that. Alongside her, my poor sister was about to legit pass out & was, I kid you not, biting her nails in the corner…my photographer friend has photographic evidence of this LOL I love em but I just need some people who can keep me calm ๐Ÿ˜€

If there’s ever a next time around, I think we’ll probably just have the baby & then tell everyone ๐Ÿ˜€

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Evolving Fears Of Pregnancy After Loss

Early on, I thought if we could just make it to the second trimester, my fears surrounding pregnancy after loss would disappear. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that was not the case when I kept experiencing random bouts of spotting that sent me into my OB’s office in a panic each time.

Once that died down, I thought, surely, now I can relax & trust that all is well. I will be 32 weeks this Sunday &, sadly, I can tel you this still isn’t the case for me. My fears with P.A.L. haven’t gone away, they’ve only evolved.

Early on, there was, naturally, the fear that this pregnancy would, like the others, end in miscarriage. Into the second trimester, I worried about the spotting I kept having, the infections, & the possibility of preterm labor. Now, nearing the end of the third trimester, I keep finding myself worrying about labor & delivery.

Will we go to the hospital when we should? Too early, too late? Will he come out okay, breathing/screaming/blood covered & all? Or will something go wrong?

As much as I try not to let my mind wonder to all the possible things that could potentially go wrong, I can’t help but repeatedly keep finding myself there.

Which brings me to wonder, does the fear that is so associated with P.A.L. ever fully go away? & what does that look like?

Coming upon the close of this pregnancy, I haveย came to the conclusion that perhaps it doesn’t. It can only be dealt with.

For me, that means coping by making lists & getting as prepared as possible (over prepared more than likely).

I have a list of things that still need to be done before he arrives. A list of things we need to get ready in our home, not including the nursery, & a list of things we still need to buy for baby. I also have a handy dandy hospital bag list ready to be marked off-which will, more than likely, happen this weekend. Along with anything else I can busy myself with in the meantime.

Have you experienced the evolving fears of pregnancy after loss?? How did you cope???ย 

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2017

I don’t really believe in resolutions anymore, I prefer mantras…it’s like a promise to oneself without the pressure of I MUST DO THIS IN ย A YEAR! Or something we tend to forget about three months down the line.

I have a few for this year:

-Make it through childbirth without dying. That one would be good. lol

-Learn to #MomSoHard

-Become a breastfeeding rockstar

-In the midst of caring for a new tiny human & two fur babies, still find some time for myself & not leave self-care out of the mix

-Continue adventuring

-Oh, & kill some CEU’s so my license doesn’t die along the way

That about sums it up for me! What are some of your hopes/goals for 2017??