panamacity | Disorderly Love

I told you already that I do not like to lose. It’s always been one of the things I avoid at all costs.

Growing up as a teacher’s kid, I always heard, “You’re a teacher’s kid, you can do better than that!” “You should be smarter than everyone else.” & “you can do better.”

I heard this is nearly every grade from every teacher I had. I was graded a lot harder than my peers were 9 times out of 10. I grew up hearing that B’s were, “okay,” but I should be able to get A’s. I grew up being in TAG (talented and gifted), the National Honor Society, & Beta Club…with all that being said, failure hasn’t exactly been an old friend of mine.

Our last TWW in the world of IUI ended today, two days early. In all honesty, I knew it would. I’d been feeling like I was going to start my period for days, I had all the signs & usual symptoms that AF was just around the corner. Like any other annoying aunt you never want to see. She came this morning. Dressed in defeat & rage on my bikini.

I am pissed. I am pissed we were told IUI appeared to be a hopeful route for us. I am pissed we were given sooooo much hope when this, obviously, was not the answer for us. I’m pissed we wasted 4000 dollars on this when that money could’ve been out toward the IVF we are now going to have to pay for.

In short, I am scared shitless of IVF. It’s soooo much more invasive than the IUI that was already so incredibly hard on my body. It will likely aggravate my PTSD much more than IUI also. IVF, from what I understand, comes with many more ultrasounds & invasive procedures. One of my biggest concerns is that, for the egg retrieval, we were told I’d be mildly sedated under IV anesthesia. As I was drugged nearly every time I was raped, I can see this being a shit show from the start.

Did I mention I lost my shit every time we had to do the Ovidrel injection? While we don’t yet know a lot about IVF, I do know it involves A LOTTTTTT of injections. We’re talking shots several times a day. Big, scary shots. Multiple.Times.A.Day.

So what’s next for us?

Obviously IVF. We’ll be saving everywhere we can &, hopefully, fundraising quite a bit within the next 3 months, or so to make this happen as we don’t have 12,000 dollars lying around.
My husband & I have also talked a lot about fostering to adopt. I’ve always, always said I wanted to adopt at least one of my children. As infertility will likely be a much longer process than we originally planned, we are prepared to move on with this sooner rather than later.

At some point during this week, we plan to do two things: