I have often thought (& wrote) about how terrifying pregnancy after loss can be but, until just recently, have never seen the full picture of how surreal it is.
For instance, just today I was talking to someone about being anxious in talking with our doctor tomorrow about what I want our birth to look like. As I was talking, I ended up saying something I never realized, which was something like, “I just never thought we’d get to this point & now it’s like holy shit! This is really happening.”
This is really happening.
It’s something I never wanted to accept going into this. Actually, I remember the terror of every doctor’s visit & every single phone call where I fully expected to hear the opposite…that this was, again, not happening. But, here we are, almost halfway through this pregnancy…& I am just now able to come to terms with the fact that it is actually, finally, happening for us. There is no word I can think of to describe how over the moon that makes me.
On the other hand, it’s snuck up on us a bit seeing as how we’ve spent the entire pregnancy up to this point being terrified of everything. With our anatomy scan tomorrow & our gender reveal party on Saturday, it’s starting to put things into perspective. Kind of like a nudge to get ourselves in gear for this miraculous little life that’s afoot.
For example, before this, I’d always thought I’d have a kickass gender reveal party planned. Like something no one had ever seen before. Picture this: mind blowing event. I mean, I have had 3 years to do it LOL We’ve actually planned something fairly simple & are happy with that. Simplicity is good.
As far as buying things for the baby & setting up the nursery, I’ve still got nothin at this point. Now that I’m realizing we’re nearly to the halfway point, I’m getting a little freaked out about this fact now.
Birth plan wise, we know what we want & kind of have a plan in place. Step two (one was talking amongst ourselves) is discussing it with my Dr. tomorrow & then setting up a meeting with our doula team. The way doulas work through the agency we are utilizing in our area is that you will meet with two & one or the other will be at the birth. Possibly both if they need to relieve one another if you’re there for a while.
Outside of planning for the big day, what I like to jokingly refer to as D-DAY because it scares the shit out of me, until now, I haven’t really thought about what kind of parent I want to be. I wouldn’t let myself. I’d never really thought about what I wanted my newborn to sleep in after coming home from the hospital, how I would introduce them to our fur babies, what we would schedule our days around (between typical baby needs), what special holiday & Birthday traditions I wanted to create for them. The list goes on. Now that we’re coming to terms with, “oh…someone is actually going to put a tiny human we made into our arms soon & we get to take them home,” those thoughts are at the forefront of my mind.
So, all in all, I know everything will turn out just fine….it’s just that I am just now realizing how little we’ve done or thought about so far because of our fears.
Pregnancy after loss is big. It’s MIRACULOUS. It’s bittersweet. It’s scary. It’s messy. And, as I am finding out, it stalls you in a way.
Please say some prayers & wish us luck at our Doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I still get nervous every time! Xo