Caught In The In Between

As I’ve said so many times before, & will probably say again, pregnancy after loss/losses is one of the strangest things I’ve ever experienced.

I’m somewhere in between constantly waiting for something to go wrong & feeling like I’m living a lie in that, every day, I wonder if I’m still pregnant. Despite the symptoms, I still catch myself wondering, are things still okay today, right now? Will they be okay tomorrow, or this evening?

Since we announced, I was so nervous that people would ask me about the pregnancy, how it was going, etc. &, thankfully, they haven’t. Just a bunch of heartfelt congratulations abound. I was afraid of it because I don’t know what to say…I don’t know how others who have never stood where I am would take what I’m really feeling….what I wrote above. I feel like they either wouldn’t know what to say, would think I was bat shit crazy, or ungrateful given all we’ve been through to get here.

&, if you have been where I’ve been, you know ungrateful is the last thing that I am. But I’m not who I use to be…I envy myself before this last loss. I envy who I was then & how hopeful I was about things. I envy the excitement & all the things I had planned so early on that I knew, I knew, I’d get to…..now, I’m in this place where I’m afraid to buy anything. There are a few things I want for more announcement/update pictures at the next ultrasound &, in all honesty, part of me would like to go ahead & buy the week by week preggo updates that women do…..but the biggest part of me is just afraid to even consider doing any of that.

You know that too sweet Worth The Wait onesie we used in our big announcement? I didn’t buy it this time….I’d bought if for last time..&, by the time it arrived, we had no use for it then. It was stuffed back into our closet, along with all the IVF needles, behind clothes somewhere I’d never have to see it.

& there’s also guilt. Guilt that I should feel 100% elated to finally, finally, be pregnant after all this time, after all those awful treatments & heartache…..& I would love to feel that. I remember reading the test this summer & bursting into tears. I was ecstatic. When I saw it this time, the awful truth is I just froze…..I stood there, wide eyed in terror, & just stared. That is not the story I want to tell my child. The first would’ve been much more picturesque lol

Today, I’m 8 weeks & 3 days (wew!!!!) & I’m still so paranoid about every little thing &, at the same time, so afraid to let myself be happy again. This pregnancy seems to be going well….we had much higher numbers, my Dr. isn’t concerned with monitoring my HCG/progesterone anymore, & I still have my beloved (I am NOT being sarcastic lol) morning sickness. So, it would seem that things are fine…I’m so hoping after this next ultrasound, I’ll feel much more at ease that things are continuing to progress & everything is going to be just fine.

Please continue to pray for us, come on second trimester!!!!