A lot of women keep silent about their miscarriage & opt to struggle/grieve alone. I made the decision not to do so & instead spread awareness that it’s a common thing that happens to a lot of women, infertile or not. I wanted to give other miscarriage mama’s a voice. To say it’s okay to talk about something so deeply painful.
As I’ve been open about that, I regret to say, I now see why a lot of women keep silent. Some of the things that have been said to me have been atrocious & just downright awful.
One person commented something to the effect of, “God gives us good times and bad. God knows when to send good times into our lives.”
Like my Mamaw, the woman I spent most of my most wonderful memories with in childhood, just died last week. The day before I had believed, after 3 IUIs, 2 IVFs, 2 rounds of Femera, & a surgery, I’d finally gotten my miracle baby. *Rejection buzz But yeah….I’m sure God doesn’t think I need good times right now 🙄
Another, less than an hour after we found out I was miscarrying, commented: “Maybe you just couldn’t carry it.”
Uhm….thanks? Like that’s suppose to be some consolation prize for ensuring the worst month of my life.
I’ve also had women tell me about, “one girl I know,” or a, “friend,” whose had 7 miscarriages but she has her miracle baby now….in other words, don’t worry, just 5 more miscarriages to go &, if you’re like her, you may have your baby too!! Great.
I feel terrible for those other women but, the sad truth is, the people who tell you these stories don’t have a clue as to what they’re talking about. They have no idea how devastating & painful (emotionally & physically) miscarriages really are. So, if you don’t know, my advice is to say you’re very sorry &-this is the important part-shut up.
I’ve been told about other testimonies that have nothing to do with miscarriage at all. & it’s not that I don’t care about listening to those, I do, when I am in the midst of miscarrying, however, it may not be the time for that. Just a thought.
Something else I’ve noticed from being around other people who haven’t experienced this tremendous pain is that they have no idea what you’re going through. They truly don’t. They don’t know what to ask. Some don’t know what to do. And that’s completely fine. If all you can do is say, “I am so deeply sorry you’re going through this,” that’s all we want to hear. Offer a hug & move on.
What is not okay is to do any of the above or discuss baby showers & pregnancies whilst sitting beside someone who is actively miscarrying. If you’ve read nothing else, please do not do that. Before that moment, I didn’t think my heart could ache any more than it already was. Wrong again. It’s like someone scrapped a little more of my heart out & poured alcohol all over the whole thing.
Long story short, if you don’t know what to say keep it short. My sister worried she wouldn’t know what to say but, in reality, her response was perfect: “I’m so sorry. I love you. I’m here for you. I found the miscarriage earrings I got you for Mother’s Day & I’m going to mail them to you.”
That. That, my friends, is empathy. It’s saying your pain matters &, as someone who loves you, their heart hurts for you, too. That is all we, in this sad group of miscarriage mamas & papas really want. Just that.