Defeated 

There will be times in your life when you can’t make sense of what is going on. Times when everything around you crumbles & you’re left with doubt. In the world. With God. With everything.

I use to believe everything happened for a reason. I did that up until today. Before then, I geniually held on to the fact that there was a greater meaning behind it all. One that I just couldn’t see.  

When we found it we were pregnant, we were over the moon & full of shock. When my Mamaw died the next day, I thought, maybe, God knew I needed a miracle to make it through this life without her. A life without the constant reassurance & unshakable love. & then today happened.

We got back up from the beach & I had some brown spotting. It was quite a lot but still not red, not even pink really, just brown. I messaged it to a long time friend of mine who happens to be a nurse & even she felt it wasn’t concerning. It was brown, after all. When we called my OB’s line, they were a little more concerned & urged us to go to the ER. So we did.

We waited & waited. I was finally called back by a lady who reminds me of Steph from The Fosters. She checked me in while a gruff ass hole asked me some questions. “How tall are you?” “5.2.5.” “So 5’3.”

 Why don’t you just take it from here then, dipshit. 

I was given two massive Dassani bottles to drink & waited some more for bloodwork and an uktrasound. After giving half my weight in blood, we went back to, you guessed it, waiting some more. After over an hour, I was finally called back to radiology & had to go alone as no one was allowed to go back with you. The tech did both an abdominal & transvaginal ultrasound. She’d asked if I’d been pregnant before, at least the third time someone asked me that very question that day. Followed by the dreaded, “any children?” 

“No.”

More waiting.

“Montgomery?”

Finally! As we went back, I was consumed by dread. The brown spotting had stopped but my back had started to hurt and I was shaking. I’d done that before. 

A chirpy lady with red hair popped in the room to ask for urine & for me to get naked in case I needed a pelvic exam. Scott helped me pull my pants off & I shivered some more with less clothing to keep me warm. As we waited for her to go get my bloodwork results, we listened to the saws & drilling of the nearest ER we could find. 

After what seemed like forever, she came back. I was almost asleep at that point. She sat down & began with, “I got the results back & the HCG level did drop.”

My heart sank. She could’ve stopped right here because that’s all I needed her to say.”

“It’s 13 now. There’s really no need to do the pelvic exam at this point. I’m sorry,” and something about getting our discharge papers.

So here we are. After what we thought was FINALLY, finally, the end to our infertility woes, here we are again. With nothing. Except thebellyband thing is bought for my pants & no longer need. Something else I may as well take back to the store. Again.

& it makes me really angry at a lot of things. Especially at God. I don’t understand why on earth we got a positive pregnancy test the day of our new RE appointment. The day before my Mamaw died. I don’t understand why I’d hang on to the only thing getting me through her death & then have that taken away just like her. 

I don’t understand why addicts & women who drink when they’re pregnant can have several children when I didn’t have a sip of caffeine since that positive pregnancy test. I don’t understand any of that. & I probably never will.

 It’s a strange thing to be so angry at God &, at the same time, cling to the fact that Mamaw is with him. Yet, here I am…feeling & thinking both simultaneously. 

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18 thoughts on “Defeated 

  1. Ces, I know you may not want to hear my words. If you don’t I understand, but keep your faith in Him. All things come in his time. I’m not sure why this was taken from you, but I know he has a reason. Something happened to me recently after much praying. At one time my brother doubted it would ever happen and seemed to lose hope in God making it work. My moment of glory came when my daddy quit drinking in April. He’s drank as long as I can remember and most of us had given up hope that he would ever stop. But when God thought it was time he saw that my daddy could get the strength to quit. I know my situation is very different from your own, but my point in telling you this is to keep praying for that rainbow baby. Others in my family have suffered miscarriages before but eventually they get that baby they were waiting for. Prayers for you my friend. Love Donna ❤❤❤

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  2. I completely understand your feelings and anger with God.. I feel the same way.. I was so excited for you and prayed this would be your rainbow.. I’m so sorry for you loss.. Love you!

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  3. My heart is breaking for you and with you. This process of trying to get pregnant or adopt or IVF or IUI takes a person to the highest highs and the lowest lows. I’ve been on both ends of that spectrum so many times. This is terribly unfair and so painful. Sending you love and warmth as you grieve through these huge losses in your life.

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  4. Dammit!!! I’m so sorry sis. It hurts. It sucks. Be mad. Be angry. Be pissed off. Tell it all to God. He can take it. Trust me, I’ve told him worse. I’m so sorry. I’m here for you and sending love and hugs your way.

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  5. I’m so sorry, hunny. I know nothing I say will make the pain go away, but I know how you feel. After our loss and struggle to conceive, I hit my all time lowest point when we got news that my husband was suddenly deploying within 10 days (he was in a nondeployable unit so it was a huge shock). I questioned God and was unbelievably mad that he’d do this to us after everything else. People may tell you otherwise, but I truly think it’s okay to question faith. The Serenity Prayer really helped me and I actually framed it to keep in my living room so I could see it everyday. I know how frustrating it is to hear that everything will be okay- but it will be. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to stay afloat and positive. I’m thinking of you and praying for you guys. Hugs💗

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    • Thank you….hopefully, with time, both of these horribly awful things will be less all consuming. I appreciate you saying it’s okay to question your faith. May as well be honest, the way I see it, God knows it anyway.
      Thanks, for sharing your story with me ❤️

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  6. Oh Sweetie, my heart is just broken for you! I have come to this place so many times now and I so get your anger but hang on. Hang on to you Faith in God with all your might and hang on to Scott and any other strong support you have. Scream, cry out and let God know what you’re feeling and then let Him know that you are still waiting for your miracle. Sending you huge hugs and do much love! If you need someone to vent to or a shoulder to cry on, feel free to email me and I will send you my number. Pdot95@gmail.com. Love you!

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