I Want This More Than Life…


Today was our appointment with a new RE-rather, it was suppose to be. Getting up this morning, I thought I’d better take a pregnancy test just to be safe in the off chance I was pregnant and the trial transfer could damage things.


 & I never in a million years expected to look down and see this. Not having my contacts in, at first, my thoughts were: “That’s an awfully long way to say not pregnant. Thanks, a lot Clearable. And then I squinted…& squinted some more.

My husband was still in bed as he didn’t work today because was our game plan was going to this appointment. After I was sure I was seeing what I thought I was, I not so gracefully threw the bathroom door open to tell him we didn’t have to go to Cincinnati today (crying the entire time).

“Look at this!!!!!”

Covers still over his eyes, “What is it?”

Eyes wide, we stared at each other taking turns on who said, “WHAT, WHAT??” &, “I don’t know!!!”

Still in shock & a bit of disbelief, I called my sister.

“Where are you???”


“We aren’t going to Cincinnati today.”

“Why not????”

I told her…

“Shew, you scared me to death!! It sounds like you’re crying and everything!”

“I have been!!!”

The next call I demanded my husband make was to my OB to schedule a blood test. So, instead of showering & getting ready to travel North, we threw on whatever we could find on the bed & our unpacked suitcase from our weekend trip & headed South.

We were told we’d have the results in a few hours….two hours passed, three, four, & nothing! We were losing our minds! Finally, my husband took matters into his own hands and called the office again. He told her we’d had the test and were worried we weren’t going to get the results as it was getting late and the office was about to close. She said she’d look in the chart & when she came back, she said, “Well, she is pregnant but-the HCG level is 28. (something) & that’s about 1-2 weeks. So I don’t know if that jives with what’s accurate or not. Her doctor will be calling her back to tell her what to do by the end of the day.”

& our hearts sank.

Here we were, after being at war with infertility after 3 failed IUIs, 2 unsuccessful IVF’s, a laparoscopy, & medicated cycles, on the day of our appt at a better infertility clinic, finally believing a miracle had occurred and then we hear this.

We didn’t talk much after that. We went through the motions & got ready for my husband’s aunt’s funeral. I went to sit on the porch in the sun & moved to the car quickly because the humidity was beating down.

& we got another a call, this time from my doctor’s nurse practitioner. She congratulated me three times, saying this was, “wonderful.” She asked how pregnant I thought I was & I told her it was about 2 weeks since I know I ovulated then. She responded that she thought that’s right where I needed to be. When she asked if I’d been spotting, I told her I had some brown spotting on Saturday & a little on Monday. She did ask if I miscarried before and I told her I had about 2.5 years ago.

Because of that, just to be safe, she said she’d put me on Progesterone to thicken my lining and also do a repeat HCG on Friday to see if my levels double like they should.

So, for now, we’re cautiously optimistic. If all goes well on Friday, I feel like my mind will be at ease & I can officially be excited. That’s the funny thing about pregnancy after loss, it’s scary as hell. You want to be excited. You really do. I haven’t seen a positive pregnancy test since that one time 2.5 years ago. I remember where I was. I remember what I did that day. And I remember being so, so excited with no thought that this may end. No thought it may go away so quickly. I never dreamed I’d never be able to hold that baby. Take them home, get up with them at the night, & read bed time stories. We never think that. But, after you’ve been through the hell of miscarriage, you do the next time. Even though my HCG is right where it needs to be, I’m scared to death. Even though my nurse practitioner is excited & believes things will be okay, I’m scared to death. Even though my brother in law, who is a PA, told me he thinks everything will be fine, I am still utterly terrified.

I don’t know how long this will last for sure but I am hoping my numbers double on Friday & we can breathe. I have a feeling we won’t be doing much of that until then.

Since nearly everyone (of the people we can count on one hand that know already) have asked, I thought I’d also address this here.

Are we still going to adopt?

Yes! This has never been a question for us. Our social worker once asked us this during a home study visit. We quickly assured her that, if by some miracle this occurred, it wouldn’t change anything in our eyes. I honestly feel like there was a reason none of the other treatments worked before. I feel like, if they had, we would have never pursed fostering. We would’ve never pursued meeting this wonderful little boy that may become ours. I feel like it’s a God thing that things have worked out this way & I wouldn’t have it any other way. If we do get to adopt & maintain this pregnancy, then it will be a double blessing. But never, for once second, do we question our decision to take this child. Not one. My love for him is not contingent on if I’m ever able to carry another child or not.

Disclaimer: If you’re friends with me on social media, please, please, please do not mention our little miracle until we announce it. I’m positing on my blog only for now & not sharing on my blog’s Facebook page, Instagram, or Pinterest like I normally do. I’m doing that because most of you who follow this blog are other infertility bloggers on WordPress. In the off chance that someone follows via email, please don’t say anything on social media.

Plans for now:

As I stated above, the game plan is for me to continue taking 200 mg of Progesterone by mouth at bedtime & have my blood drawn to check for HCG again on Friday.

If you pray, please, please, please say a prayer that the numbers have doubled!!!!!!!

Thank you, all!


30 thoughts on “I Want This More Than Life…

  1. Sending prayers for doubling numbers! I can completely relate to the fear of experiencing pregnancy after miscarriage and wanting to temper your expectations. I found my anxiety subsided a bit once I got past the point in my last pregnancy when I miscarried but I am still very early in pregnancy and very nervous. Praying everything goes well for you and this is your time !!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was in total shock reading this post! This is so incredible! So many good wishes coming your way that all will be well with this pregnancy. Oh my goodness, you deserve this…happy thoughts one day at a time ❀️

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s