An Open Letter To The Boy Who Couldn’t Love Me

I learned a lot from you.

So many odd years ago I’d never have believed I’d be where I am now. Without you. Back then, I genuinely believed we’d work out. You’d grow up, you’d change, & we’d find our way back to each other. It took what I’m about to say a long while to sink in but now I know why it didn’t-why it couldn’t. And we were both to blame.

Here’s what you taught me:

  1. It wasn’t just you, it was me too. My inability to love myself paired nicely with the lack of care you were able to give. I didn’t love myself so I took what I could get. When I think of you the words, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” ring truer now than they ever did.
  2. I am not a 7/11. I’m not a pitstop, or an all hours hotel that you, or anyone else, can drop into whenever you please.
  3. There is nothing romantic about pining for someone who can’t love you. I thought there was…I’d repost & repost quotes about star-crossed lovers who could never seem to get it right. I fantasized about the day you’d grow up & the day I’d have more respect for myself. The day we’d finally meet again at the right time because, surely, a few years would fix all that was wrong in the twisted almost relationship we had.
  4. Comfortable is not always good. You were easy. Like an old seater laying around the house, I could pull you on & know what I was going to get. Not the softest but cozy enough. You worked for me at the time….or so I thought. As it turns out, there are much better sweaters out there. Sweaters that actually want to hold me too.
  5. Being good sometimes doesn’t make up for the overwhelming majority of bad. You weren’t all bad. That was the thing. We had a lot of fun together. You knew what I liked, I knew what you liked. We loved all the same TV shows, fast cars, & working out….I just didn’t share your love of sleeping with as many people as I could. And that’s okay….who knows, maybe you’ll find someone who does someday….
  6. Just because someone keeps coming back into your life does not, by any means, make them your soul mate. You know what else keeps coming back? Herpes. Think about that.
  7. The saying, “Love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely,” is also true for the person loving you. I cannot count the times you’d text me after a breakup. Nor can I count the times you’d call when I’d finally moved on. You didn’t love me, you just didn’t want to be lonely.
  8. Just because someone doesn’t want anyone else to have you doesn’t mean they love you. You didn’t want me, you never wanted me, you just didn’t want anyone else to either.
  9. I’m not a possession you can pick back up whenever you want, I’m a person. Even though you know just how I feel the way you do that old little league glove on the top shelf, doesn’t mean you can slip back into me whenever you want.
  10. A relationship can never be one sided. I never made your eyes light up the way you did mine, the way my husband’s do now when I enter a room. You were my everything & I was your maybe. Which brings me to my next point….
  11. If someone isn’t head over heels in love with you, all of you, let them go. The day I finally did it, let you go, is by far one of the most empowering days of myeline. I’ll never forget it.

Whatever it is you’re looking for, I hope you find it. Since the day I ended it, ended it for good, I have found so much more than I ever thought I would. The difference is overwhelming &, looking back, I have to thank you for all the things you helped me realize. Whether you know it or not, you finally made me open my eyes to a lot of things. When I lost you, finally lost you, I found something it had taken me over two decades of my life to find….me. 

All my love,

The me I am without you


4 thoughts on “An Open Letter To The Boy Who Couldn’t Love Me

  1. I really like the name of the blog.

    I think we learn a lot about orderly love from disorderly love.

    You start getting a feel for how things should be 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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