Shot Through The Heart

& not in the way one would expect on Valentine’s Day.

My morning started off beautifully…well, after I accepted defeat fromΒ our Yorkie when she refused to let me sleep any longer.

Scott told me to stay in bed until he got his Valentine set up ready (no problem there!) so I lounged for a bit & braced the day.

I walked into the kitchen to find this

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chocolate strawberries (which I will probably devour by the time the day’s out. No shame in my Vday game), adorable bears, red & white roses, & a personalized, “voucher booklet,” of my favorite things. After inhaling 4 strawberries, we settled in on, “real,” food & had some omlets while watching Friends.

After enjoying the morning together, it was my morning Facebook/Instagram serving time.

& then it happened.

Cupid’s evil twin shot it to me. There it was. A perfectly crafted Valentine’s Day pregnancy announcement. Instantly, I literally rolled my eyes & hit the unfollow button. It’s something I’ve had to resort to since hearing the finality of my shotty eggs & our even lower odds of having children. I.can’t.

So I scrolled on, focusing in on memes of fur babies & anti Vday humor (my favorite so far has been the Dysfunctional Candy Hearts, btw). & there, on one of the Teen Mom’s I follow via Instagram (I know, judge me), was a second one. Visibly showing & smiling from ear to ear with baby number three. THREE.

&, for the final blow, was the very worst one of all (which of, course also happened to be the cutest).

Another pregnancy announcement….from a girl that was pregnant the same time I was back in 2013. Her younger child adorably sat in front of a giant heart that read he was going to be a big brother. My heart literally sank. Lately, there hasn’t been a time that has went by that I haven’t looked at pictures of him & thought, “that’s what my child would be doing now.” &, now, here he was about to be a big brother.

It’s gutting.

Mainly, I think, because I just didn’t expect it. Sure, during big holidays like Christmas, I’ve come to expect a slew of present themed announcements. But Valentine’s Day???? Is nothing sacred?? lol

& then it hit me…every day with infertility is hard. There are no breaks, no times during the year-or day-that it does not hurt. That it doesn’t sting & shake you at the core.

Infertility hurts every day.

If you’ve also found yourself being shoved into the corners of depression after seeing announcement after announcement today, it’s okay.

Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge your pain. Your loss. &, most of all, be good to yourself.

As John Green says, “It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it mattered.”

 

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