Yet another thing that comes with IVF. For most, it’s usually something we don’t expect. Before going into it, having feelings for our embryos isn’t something I anticipated. Sure, I knew we would be ecstatic if they evolved into beautiful little heartbeats but I never imagined how much it would devastate me if they didn’t make it.
With this second IVF fail, it almost guts me as much as my miscarriage did. Maybe even more so. I know for certain I am a lot more bitter at this point then I was 2 years & 3 months ago when that happened. I’m more bitter because, at least at that time, I was young, naive, & hopeful…I really believed that, down the line, I would easily get pregnant again. I can still remember the doctor telling me coldly that, “Most women lose their first pregnancy. Sometimes they don’t even know they’re pregnant and it happens.” At the time, it was heavily indicated that maybe I was like most other women that lost their first baby & would go on to have successful pregnancies later on.
2 years & 3 months later, here I am..I haven’t been pregnant since. Last year, Scott & I started seeing a fertility specialist a few months before we got married as he never had children in his previous marriage. Before we started really trying, we wanted to be sure he was all clear and we were good to go. A semen analysis was done, indicating low morphology. Another was done to confirm it wasn’t just by chance & the boys weren’t just having a bad day. & there we had it-or so we thought-an infertility diagnosis. Male factor. So we tried the 3 IUI’s, failing every single one. Moving onto IVF, we were told at the post fail consult for number 1 that my egg quality had been, “mediocre.” Our RE said, although it could indicate a fertility issue on my part as well, it could have also been a direct result from being overstimulated & producing 36 eggs that round. And there were two (IVF’s). The second ended in a bust as well, producing lower quality embryos in tow. Though we haven’t had the post IVF fail follow up yet, I already know the egg quality was more than likely subpar. When our embryologist called with our first update, she told me that my eggs hadn’t tolerated the injection (for ICSI) well, which could indicate low egg quality.
With each IVF, we transferred 2 embryos. After the failure of number two, I’m even more devastated that none of the 4 were able to make it. It’s taken me back to my miscarriage, something I try not to think about often. With each, there was a profound sense of loss. You’re saying goodbye to what could’ve been. All your hopes are dashed. You’re back to square one, just like a kid sent back to home in Sorry when someone else lands on their space.
As a result of all the heartache & loss being so prominent again, I’ve been thinking a lot about getting a tattoo to commemorate my miscarriage. I know what I want to say but I’m not sure about 1 piece.
I want either this quote
Or, “you were the only one who knew what my heart sounded like from the inside out,” to wrap around my right rib cage for certain.
What I don’t know is how many empty unfilled in hearts I want after it. Just the 1 for my miscarriage, or 4 more for all our embies that died inside me as well? That is the part I’m stuck on. We shall see…..
Have you grieved your embryos lost through IVF? Do you have any helpful tips for others who are doing so?
Egg quality: any of my ladies out there tried/heard of anything that improves it?????????????