But, before we can move forward, it is also important to look back. During my last therapy session, my therapist told me to grab a note pad, tossed her pen to me, & had me write down things I’d improved upon/given myself this year alone.
The list is below:
-Eating (opposed to giving into my eating disorder)
-the ability to devour a Gigi’s cupcake, or some pancakes if the desire hit
-Learning to share my feelings with others more openly
-Telling people when they do something that hurts me
-Setting boundaries with my family & others
-Becoming more conscious of being mindful
-Happiness. Real, raw happiness. Despite the hardships I’ve encountered this past year, there has also been a lot of happiness to be had as well.
-the ability to, as Jouce Meyer says, “Do it afraid.”
Once I finished scribbling my list & read it to her, she told something. Something that is, to me, very profound. Smiling, she told me, “Keep the list..that is the greatest gift you could give to yourself this year.”
All too often, I feel like people strive for the next best material thing & neglect themselves in the process. Therapy is seen as a weakness, or an oddity to many. Selfcare is seen as selfish. Yet, having the newest iPhone, vehicle, & the like is something that must constantly be achieved…while, a few months later, none of them will continue to be enough.
There is ALWAYS a new product. There are always new vehicles, cell phones, etc, etc. but there is only one you. There’s only one life to be had.
A practice I plan on embracing more fully in this new year, & for the rest of my life, is to spend money on things that matter & make memories as opposed to spending money on materialistic things. I want to spend money on things that will serve me long after a 6 month time. I want to continue going to therapy & grow as a person. I want to travel more & spend less money on objects that will constantly need replacing.
In addition to those goals, I also hope to step more into vulnerability. I want the capacity to express my emotions without fear.
Apart from that, another huge goal I have for 2016 is to become a mommy. Scott & I have talked about it & if this next IVF doesn’t pan out, we do want to purse fostering to adopt.
After nearly a straight year of being on fertility drugs, we’ve both grown tired of the physical effects these medications have on me. I never feel good. I’m always tired. I’m bloated. My life revolves around a strict scheduling of appointments each month. Pills to take. Shots to give. Suppositories to push up myself 3 times daily. I want to get back to LIVING my life!!!!!!!
Does that mean we are giving up the pursuit of having a biological child as well? Absolutely not. I would be willing to try ONE MORE IVF maybe a year or so later. & I’d be open to an FET (frozen embryo transfer) if we have at least 1 more embryo to go with the single snow baby we already have in the freezer. But the constant fertility drug craze & depletion of my happiness-and let’s not forget our bank account-is not something I will miss. & I definitely don’t want to-let me rephrase that, can’t-go another straight year of doing this to myself. I am tired. In all of the ways one can be tired.
But I’m still excited for a New Year. I’m hopeful it will be a year filled with happiness, miracles, travel, growth, & wholesome memories for whatever family God allows us to have.
God bless & HAPOY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!! 🎉🎉❤️