We don’t do feelings in my family (of origin).
They tell you to take a Valium.
They snort pills up their nose.
They bury things. Pushing them under the nearest rug & overflowing closet just in the knick of time for a family photo opp, where we all smile like the happiest bunch of dysfunctional people on earth.
Ever since I left home &, even more so since I began my therapy journey, I’ve realized something…I’m incredibly bad at vulnerability. My walls are so high that, when the time comes for me to safely fall apart, I’m not able to do that. The concrete barricades get even firmer, my entire body gets tense-especially in my neck & shoulders. My mind drifts off somewhere else.
&, after the conversation I just had with my sister via telephone, it’s no wonder that is the case.
She called to tell me some insensitive things our grandparents were saying about the infertility road my husband & I are on. She told me she wanted me to hear it from her to brace me for what they may say to me next week.
My grandmother has made similar comments to my face, as well as on Facebook messenger. The comments are always insensitive &, sometimes, even downright heartless. Especially coming from two people who clearly have never known the struggles of infertility with 3 children that were all conceived, “by accident.” Luckyyyyyyy you!
Do I think their intentions are to hurt me? Not at all. Do I think they know better? Absolutely not. Does that make it easier for me? Nope.
& it’s no damned wonder I have trouble bearing my soul to anyone. It’s no wonder, for the longest time, I couldn’t even identify my own feelings-because I wasn’t really allowed to have them. I guess sadness, anger, & the like wouldn’t have exactly done the job in convincing everyone else we were perfect people with no problems to be had.
Any time I’ve tried to let a family member know, “hey, this hurts….” the first thing they do is defend their-or someone else’s-actions, verses responding, “I’m sorry. That does sound very hurtful. I get it now.”
But you know….an invaluable thing I’ve learned in 2015 is that I no longer have to apologize for making someone uncomfortable by telling them they’ve hurt me when I shouldn’t be the one apologizing at all.
I’m worth more than that, my feelings are worth more than that, & I know that now.
One of my goals for 2016 is to delve deeper in addressing my own issues with vulnerability. I want to become more of a whole person that is able to feel things freely. I want to embrace all aspects of life openly, the light & the dark.
What are some of your goals for the New Year?? What have you accomplished this year???