Drink A Beer

Luke Bryan sang it best with,

“When I got the news today
I didn’t know what to say.
So I just hung up the phone.

I took a walk to clear my head,
This is where the walking led
Can’t believe you’re really gone
Don’t feel like going home.”

Another BFN. Another failed infertility treatment in the books. More wasted hopes & dreams. More needles….more money (or less rather, for us anyway), & a lot more debt.

We’ve both have a lot of emotions afterwards, understandably, but mostly two prime states of being….anger & immense sadness.

I’m extremely pissed. After I glanced down to see my HCG was less than 5, I wanted a thin plane of glass…& all I’ve been able to see since is me punching it. Shattering it all the way through & the seeing the bits & pieces fly everywhere.

It just doesn’t make any sense. We started out with 36 embryos. My uterine lining that was, “really good for implantation,” was complimented twice….the embryologist herself told me we had our chances because one of our embryos made it to freeze…..& here we are.

16, 000 dollars & some change gone & absolutely nothing to show for it.

With a 76% chance of success, how the hell does that happen??????

& then there’s the sadness.

All these people who don’t care for, much less want, their children are bottomless factories if fertility. BOTTOMLESS!!! When I did home visits, most of those people had at least 5 children (regardless if they still had custody of all 5 or not)..it was the running joke of my agency.

Just this weekend, my aunt was talking about her grandson who’d gotten his short time girlfriend pregnant…& the fact that they’d already broken up and she had moved states away.

& here we are, two stable people in a wonderful relationship…in the throws of infertility.

Pardon my language but…..are you fucking kidding me?

As far as next steps, we’re really not sure at this point…it’ll depend mainly on what we’re told by our RE when he’s back in the office & what finances options we have….

I for one don’t see any reason to do a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) with the 1 remaining embryo that made it to freeze….if it wasn’t even as good as the two they transferred in that didn’t take, why bother? Why wasn’t even more money for even lesser odds?

Right now, what I know is this: I am willing to try one more full round of IVF & see where it goes….if it fails & we have more embryos in the freezer, then great. Maybe we’ll try an FET at that point…but not now. Not with even slimmer odds.

Beyond that, I’d like to look at other options.

Meaning, with our fertility issue at hand, would donor sperm be an option? How much would that increase our chances, if any?

There are a lot of questions to be answered…but that’ll have to wait for another day….a day where our clinic is open & I’m not as defeated and equally pissed off as I am right now.

It’s been a Black Friday for us for sure…..only not in the true sense of the word.

Just black.


23 thoughts on “Drink A Beer

  1. Oh my dear, I am so, so sorry this didn’t work out, I had so much hope for you guys that this would be the one. I know you have some tough decisions to make soon and you have lots of unanswered questions right now, it is such a tough place to be in – be kind to yourselves – lots of big hugs XX

    Liked by 1 person

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