Last night at exactly (as the timing was crucial) 8:30 pm, we pulled the trigger. In other words, (for our fertile friends), we took the HCG trigger shot. Our next step in this uncharted process will be tomorrow at 7 am when my egg retrieval will take place.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. I am actually…a lot. As nervous as I am, at the same time, I’m also excited….excited about the prospect of good healthy eggs that will turn into beautifully healthy babies. While I am guarding against being too optimistic, it also excites me that our RE gave us a 76% chance that this will work-wheras, with the IUIs, we only had a 16% chance of being parents.
I’ve always had a, “mothering,” personality. I’ve always liked to, “fix things.” Take care of things…call it a product of a dysfunctional family, or just, “me,” but that’s the way it has always been. When my sister was 17, she still sat in my lap. I took her to her open houses at school. I cooked her meals. At a time when our parents were emotionally unavailable, I stepped in to fill a void. Our mother had her own mental health issues and our dad was a drug addict. I don’t discount them for their own problems anymore, after all, we are all just doing the best that we can. Still, There was a pretty big hole to fill at the time. & I did it until she didn’t need that anymore.
Honestly, I think I enjoyed babying her more than she even did. People I worked with would always tell me I was spoiling her and I’d just laugh at them. On at least two occasions, she needed to come to work with me at the office because of bad days…days that I made better by being a constant presence.
After she no longer needed me & I moved to another city, I started nannying. Fairly quickly, it was clear that I genially loved spending time with children. There were countless occasions that I thought what they’d just said, or did was so funny that I’d post it in a Facebook status. It calmed me to be around them. It slowed life down & made even the simplest of things so beautiful.
Having children & watching them grow in all their awe and helping them learn is what I was meant to do in this life. I want to give them all the things I never had. I want to serve as a constant unchanging presence in a world filled with chaos. I’ve heard some people say your life ends when you have children….&, other than resenting the hell out of them for not appreciating what not all of us will be able to have, I couldn’t disagree more.
I so look forward to the days of carrying a baby around clutched to me in a wrap. Days of chasing a wild toddler around. Christmases with a renewed hope, purpose, & so much magic. Vacations of family activities &, best of all to a Disney freak, trips to Disney world!
That is what I was meant for.
&, if a scary procedure takes me one step closer to that, then that’s perfectly fine.
If you pray, please send us up. If you don’t, good vibes & thoughts are also appreciated. So much ❤
Game plan for the coming days:
Continue taking Dostinex for the next 6 days to cut my chances of OHSS in half.
Egg retrieval tomorrow morning!!!!!
& transfer 3-5 days after that.
Come on rainbow baby, mommy can’t wait to meet you