I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
to go over…..everything…
they say that time’s suppose to heal ya but I ain’t done much healing.”
By now, I’m sure everyone has heard Adele’s newest song (whether you like it or not, courtesy of the radio). I feel in love with it immediately & felt it really resonated with me…a few days later, I figured out why.
The first stanza-& only stanza-reminds me of someone….my rapist. Today, those words are something I’d like to say to him.
It’s strange. Had you told me three years ago when I first started my healing journey that I’d ever want to talk to him again, I’d have thought you were mad.
“Going over everything,” with him wasn’t something I’d ever thought I’d condone-let alone desire. But here we are.
Every time the piano blasted through my speakers on a drive, my mind went straight to him. Straight to the conversation I now wanted to have.
I told my therapist this. Her response was that this could either be very good, or very bad for me (in doing so). She told me it was important to get very clear on my purpose…what did I want to accomplish in talking with him?
I wanted validation…hell, I still do. I would love for him to sit across from me & have to look me in the eye while he told me everything he did to me. How many times he did it. & why? Why when he could’ve had sex with many others who were more than ready? Why when he had been married half way through my abuse?
She reminded me of who he was…someone who was capable of raping someone many times, seemingly without remorse. She added she believed him to have antisocial personality disorder….someone who is incapable of empathy.
After putting more thought into the subject I realized something…the odds of him giving me what I want are slim. So slim I can barely see them.
The, “why,” is simple…our beloved Olivia Benson said it best on last night’s SVU,
“Most rapists don’t hunt on the streets, they hunt where they’re trusted.”
& that is his why. I was a convenience. He was someone I had trusted & he abused that trust.
So I started thinking again…& I realized something.
“Hello,” shouldn’t remind me of him at all. He has nothing for me. What it should remind me of is myself.
The conversation I really need to have is with my former self. It’s been years since I’ve gotten to be the true me. Years since I haven’t been on hyper alert & plagued by constant flashbacks and nightmares. Years since I’ve known true happiness.
& ya know what?
We’ve actually done quite a lot of healing on the way ❤