I have found this quote to hold so much truth at many different points throughout my journey.
At the end of our IUI road, something I had to accept were our losses. I knew I was sad. I knew I was terrified of IVF & never thought we’d end up there. What I did not take into account was tallying up our losses & then taking a moment to actively grieve each one. Thank God, for therapy (am I right?).
My losses were as followed:
- The fact that IUI was not the magical antidote to make us parents
- The dream of having children (in a natural sense).
- The possibility that, even after IVF, we may not ever be biological parents
- My miscarriage two odd years ago
- Our time, flexibility (because Lord knows their are infinite appointments for us infertiles!)
- My ability to shield myself from triggers of PTSD
- &, in a general sense, my peace of mind
When entering into the world of infertility, there is no starter kit or instruction booklet to be had. You see a specialist. You go over options, testing. You’re given stats & brief synopses of what a procedure is going to entail. You are NOT given how a given procedure/test is going to make you feel. You aren’t walked through how it will be for you if one approach is marked off your list as a possible solution to your baby making woes. There is no information in your handy dandy pamphlet relating to taking into account your losses along the way (the ones you’ve already experienced & the ones you will). There’s nothing that speaks about setting limits: how far are you willing to go in the pursuit of a baby? When will you decide to take a detour into the world of parenting? Will there be pit stops (breaks in treatment)?
Those are the things they don’t tell you (at least that’s been my experience). &, more often than not, those are the things you need to hear the most.
Thanks, to my therapist, the blogging community, & my own diligent research, I’ve discovered a lot of things on infertility. The good, the bad, & ugly so to speak. I’ve learned about the symptoms that aren’t included in those tiny papers they give you describing a given procedure, or medication. I’ve learned to really think about my own personal limits in achieving a blue eyed, six pound wonder. I’ve learned to think about the possibility of that not happening.
I’ve learned to accept my losses. &, once I did that, I could move onto the next stage in the game.
Today, I called our fertility clinic as our RE had instructed me to do so this month once I started my period. The nurse explained my meds didn’t need ordered yet as some of them needed refrigerating. For that, I call back next month.
However, she did explain when I would start birth control (on what CD), gave me info on the teaching session, & is mailing me a packet, as well as our appointment schedule.
We are moving forward. But we weren’t able to do so effectively before accepting our losses. Our endings that had already taken place.
Tonight after dinner, I decided to indulge in two pieces of Dove chocolate (grad school is hard, okay?!?!). My message seemed appropriate given what I’d accomplished today…….take a guess at the first thing that came to mind.
What are you wanting in your life right now?? & what do you need to do in order to get there??
Do you have any losses you need to accept &/or grieve? If so, what are they?