Today has been one of those days.
A day including a visit from an old friend of mine.
The friend isn’t tangible & doesn’t come with tight hugs, or any gifts.
Quite the opposite actually.
This friend is more like a frienemy. The kind that waits for those imperfect moments to reak havoc in your mind. On your days. On your life.
I had an panic attack today. It wasn’t my first & certainly won’t’ be my last. Plopped on the couch in my nutritionist office, the air started getting heavier. Less accessible. With each click of the clock, more & more of it evaporated. Like an upside-down hourglass, it started to disappear.
& then, seemingly out of no where, my vision started to blur as water started flowing out of my eyes.
At first, I didn’t even realize what was wrong. For me at least, panic attacks tell me that everything is wrong. I am not okay. I’m not safe. I’ve messed everything up. I’ll never graduate. I’ll never make it through IVF. How will we get the money to afford it in these next few months? Etc, etc, etc.
We’d just had our IVF consult before my appointment with her (more on that in a later post). I was overwhelmed. I’d also been dealing with finding a practicum placement for this upcoming semester by Wednesday of next week.
Thankfully, I have a phenomenal nutritionist who possesses more skills than she’s certified for. She calmed me down. Me did some breathing-which I normally suck at btw-I went through some of her tissues &, after scheduling a follow up for next week as well as suggesting I move my appt with my therapist up, I was okay enough to clack out of her office in my new heels.
As I revved up the Mustang, I grabbed my phone & scrolled down to my therapist. I typed out what had just happened & asked if she could move our session up. She had me call her. & then, after talking with me about what was going on, asked me a very important question. A question, I believe, anyone suffering from anxiety & panic attacks needs to keep in mind.
“What is your anxiety trying to tell you right now?”
For me, I need to slow down. I need to take a break until we start our IVF cycle in November. I need to BREATHE. I need time to sip my tea on the couch while I can before my last Fall semester of grad school rears its ugly head. &, more so than I realized, I need my support team.
Are you currently experiencing unpleasant emotions? If those emotions had a voice, what would they be trying to say to you?