Operation Little People: A Rant Of An Update

Infertility: The Game

that’s what my husband has deemed Thursday.

We go in for our IVF consult that morning & then to our foster parent informational meeting that night.

While it’ll be a busy, I prefer it to the purgatory of the waiting & uncertainty we are currently residing in. The, “what should we dos?” &, “when should we do it?”s have been eating me up.

As bad as fertility drugs are, I feel like the limbo of infertility treatment is even worse. At least in the worst days of Clomid, I felt like I was working toward something. Like the emotional roller coaster would be worth it in the end because of where it was leading me. Even though it’s not the case, I feel like we’re giving up in limbo. I feel that way despite the fact that we’re giving my body a much needed break. Despite the fact that we’re allowing my PTSD triggers of the gynecological world to rest. Despite the fact that I’ve already created a Go Fund Me page, as well as contacted RADA to start a fundraiser that will hopefully soften the IVF cost (just a bit!). Despite the fact that we’re finally going to a foster parent meeting, instead of toying around with the idea that maybe we’ll delve into it at an unspecified moment in time.

& I can’t tell you why I feel this way when I can logically see us giving up is the furthest thing from true. But that’s the thing about feelings, they don’t have to make sense.  In fact, they rarely do.

Currently, I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been in relation to the infertility saga. Initially, I really believed the IUIs would do the trick. With every one that failed, it’ll be the next one I thought. Next time will work. So, with every passing attempt, I grew more & more hopeful that would be the case. If you’ve followed along (&/or are reading this now), you know that was not the case for us. IUI was not our get out of jail free card. Instead, it was our RETURN HOME space in the game. Oh, how I hate this damned game.

Despite depression rearing its ugly head, I am trying-with everything in me-to remain hopeful. Or at least see the tiny glimmer of hope in a far off distance. I’m trying to focus on the things I do have control over in this. The decisions we’ve made in taking a break, as my therapist pointed out, were our decisions. That in itself was something we had/have control over. Giving my body a break was a choice. And going to this consult & fundraising our asses off is a big choice. As is the foster parent meeting.

I am mustering every seed of hope I have left in my body to believe, really believe, that good things are on the horizon.

In the words of The Fairy Godmother in Cinderella, “Even miracles take a little time.”

I apologize for the rambling that is this post.


Rada Cutlery fundraiser: To order go to the follow website: http://www.helpourfundraiser.com
Everyone will then use the same customer number 505602 & the password ivfbaby (must be lower case).
Any order-big, or small-helps more than you will ever know.
Side note: my family has ordered from RADA in the past & they all LOVE the tomato slicer knife.


13 thoughts on “Operation Little People: A Rant Of An Update

  1. I’m annoyed. I’ve been battling infertility for awhile and read ur posts from time to time. And here you are begging people, friends, family and STRANGERS for money?! “Every little bit helps” — well you know what would help- as ur posts so stupidly point out- u just got back from the beach. That’s expensive. You drink a lot of Starbucks. I can’t afford that. You give things away on this blog!? Sounds like you should stop your frivolous spending!!!! It’s people like u that are what’s wrong with the world asking for handouts and don’t need it. I bet ur hubby makes money. How about learn to save and cut back and not be selfish? Yea I’m sure this post pisses u off well u piss me off. I’ve been Two yrs trying to save money for this and my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. SIX YEARS not six months. Not two years. Six. I’m almost 40. FORTY. ya I’m sure u want a baby. When I was a kid I wanted to play house too but girl don’take people pay for u. Do it yourself. This is ridiculous asking gut a handout. I can see your friends and family now as they donate outta obligation because if they don’t they know ur poor feelings will be hurt- as you run to the movies with another friend or put to eat it buy name brands at the grocery. Down size. Put the future baby u will have first. Get a cheaper car of house or skip the frappe. For god sakes be responsible don’t beg people to pay to put a child in u. Wow. And while u write to and for us “poor infertile myrtle “s” -know u are obviously doing it for u not is- just like a diary. Because u give no support or advice. True I know- then don’t read it,right? Well don’t worry. I won’t anymore because this step into te world of distaste is too much for me. You poor 20something beach hopping girl with big margarheitas — maybe someone will buy a knife from u- so you can cut that bread at the outback as us normal folk are getting the great value slices for our ham sandwiches. Wow just wow.
    Fuck that


    • Woah, I am so sorry, you sound so bitter. I am not sure how you can post something like this and make someone feel so bad in this way.

      Cesilee’s blog is her space to write what she feels, you should respect all bloggers for this. If you wrote this on your own blog I would respect your feelings and probably kindly pass on comment. Maybe that’s just the British in me. But I have passed comment here because I wanted to show Cesilee that not everyone thinks like you do ‘anonymous’.

      Cesilee has actually given much support to many people who are struggling and has been very brave in sharing her feelings in the way that she has done. Support comes in many different guises.

      Personally, I believe that at no point in this blog has there been any begging for money, you have read things in a very negative light. Infertility is hard on us all in many different ways, blogs never show us the whole and real picture. If you don’t like it, don’t read it!!!

      I’m sorry for all of this…it makes me truly sad.

      Liked by 2 people

    • OMG What is wrong with you “Annoyed”?! Why would anyone write something so hateful? I’ve seen trolls on various infertility blogs, maybe it’s the same person getting some weird satisfaction out of trying to hurt people who are already aching. That’s just cruel!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I agree, Essie…I’m not sure why someone would want to throw so much hatred on those who are already hurting so badly…..cruel, I wholeheartedly agree.
        At least we can all support one another despite the haters.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Are you kidding me? Maybe you haven’t been part of our community for very long, but we’re supportive of each other here. We certainly don’t get down on people. And in the infertility game, you need to find the small things to get through the tough stuff. You don’t want to donate, fine, don’t donate and move on. Don’t put her down and use horrible english and grammar trying to put Cesilee down. This girl is amazing and has been through so much and deserves every bit of support she gets. I feel really sorry for you that you felt the need to put someone so wonderful down instead of building her up.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not spewing hatred here. I just want to say, battling infertility myself (36yo) and my sister also did (now 48 with no children sadly) – I clearly remember her struggle and needing money and how hard it was on my family. That’s why when I turned down this road to somewhere which hopefully ends with a baby- I wanted to do it alone. Although anonymous was clearly rude and has some bottled up depression and serious money woes- sorry but it’s obvious- I do understand all the gofundme accounts issue. Maybe you could ask your church? That’s where my sister got her money. And she got a second job.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The Go Fund Me was posted as an example of how we are trying to fundraise.
      It was never meant to appear as go give me money as a follow of my blog. It came off that way, I need to do some editing there & make that clear.
      Good luck to you on your infertility journey!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Annoyed, you must leave this blog and the beautiful writer alone. Everyone’s fertility journey is their own personal journey and is hard enough without judgement from a stranger or those closest to us. That is hurtful and terrible to post on someone’s blog which should be a safe place to share their feelings and story. Have compassion for your fellow human beings. That kind of negativity does not belong here.

    Dear Disorderly Love, I’m so sorry someone would put such hateful, mean words on your blog. But I think your response was well said. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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