Failure 

I told you already that I do not like to lose. It’s always been one of the things I avoid at all costs. 

Growing up as a teacher’s kid, I always heard, “You’re a teacher’s kid, you can do better than that!” “You should be smarter than everyone else.” & “you can do better.” 

I heard this is nearly every grade from every teacher I had. I was graded a lot harder than my peers were 9 times out of 10. I grew up hearing that B’s were, “okay,” but I should be able to get A’s. I grew up being in TAG (talented and gifted), the National Honor Society, & Beta Club…with all that being said, failure hasn’t exactly been an old friend of mine.

Our last TWW in the world of IUI ended today, two days early. In all honesty, I knew it would. I’d been feeling like I was going to start my period for days, I had all the signs & usual symptoms that AF was just around the corner. Like any other annoying aunt you never want to see. She came this morning. Dressed in defeat & rage on my bikini.

I am pissed. I am pissed we were told IUI appeared to be a hopeful route for us. I am pissed we were given sooooo much hope when this, obviously, was not the answer for us. I’m pissed we wasted 4000 dollars on this when that money could’ve been out toward the IVF we are now going to have to pay for. 

In short, I am scared shitless of IVF. It’s soooo much more invasive than the IUI that was already so incredibly hard on my body. It will likely aggravate my PTSD much more than IUI also. IVF, from what I understand, comes with many more ultrasounds & invasive procedures. One of my biggest concerns is that, for the egg retrieval, we were told I’d be mildly sedated under IV anesthesia. As I was drugged nearly every time I was raped, I can see this being a shit show from the start. 

Did I mention I lost my shit every time we had to do the Ovidrel injection? While we don’t yet know a lot about IVF, I do know it involves A LOTTTTTT of injections. We’re talking shots several times a day. Big, scary shots. Multiple.Times.A.Day. 

So what’s next for us?

  • Obviously IVF. We’ll be saving everywhere we can &, hopefully, fundraising quite a bit within the next 3 months, or so to make this happen as we don’t have 12,000 dollars lying around. 
  • My husband & I have also talked a lot about fostering to adopt. I’ve always, always said I wanted to adopt at least one of my children. As infertility will likely be a much longer process than we originally planned, we are prepared to move on with this sooner rather than later. 

At some point during this week, we plan to do two things:

  1. Contact DCBS about fostering to adopt & what the process entails.
  2. Calling our fertility clinic to set up an IVF Consult.

But, for now-despite the devastating news-, we are trying to enjoy our time with each other on the beach (alcohol in tow for me now).

   
  

  

    
    
    
    
   

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom for the IVF Consult???? Questions to ask, things to know???? 

Sending love from the beach ☀️🌊⚓️👙🐠🐬🐋🐟🐚🏊🏼🍻👓

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18 thoughts on “Failure 

  1. I’m really sorry that you didn’t get good news this month after putting yourself through so much hell. I hope that IVF will somehow not be as bad as it’s supposed to be for you. I wish I had advice in reference to the triggers from all of the procedures, but unfortunately I’m struggling with similar issues. Sending you lots of kind thoughts and gentle hugs, if okay?

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  2. Oh my dear, I’m so sorry to hear this. But please be reassured – IVF isn’t *that* bad. I know that I complained about the hormones and side effects but from what I understand you’d have had some of that from IUI. I have a description of what it’s like with the injections if you click on my blog at the top on “IVF journey” and scroll back to the beginning. I tried to capture the whole experience so feel free to read through that if it would be useful to know what to expect.

    I’m so, so sorry that the sedation will be so triggering for you. I want to give you a big hug! I want to reassure you but obviously I don’t know how your experience felt. All I can say is I quite enjoyed the sedation(!) as it felt like going to sleep. It wasn’t quite like a general anaesthetic where you count backwards. I was lying there and then I felt a bit sleepy and fell asleep. And waking up later is just like being really tired – I didn’t feel like I’d been drugged, if that makes sense. I think it helps that I trusted the doctors and they were very calm and didn’t make me worried. I was more awkward feeling that I was lying there with my legs apart and no knickers on!

    Other than that, I described the injections to a friend as barely hurting- the anticipation is worse than the reality. It really barely hurts, and you’re controlling it so once you get your head around it, you know you can stop if you want to. I delayed for the first injection as I was worried it would hurt, but it really didn’t. The down regulation injection was so tiny (you use another bigger needle to extract the juice and another one to inject it) that I barely felt it. The pen for the Gonal F and the Ovitrelle was a little bit more hurty but for one thing it’s a pen (so much easier to inject, you just stab it in and press a button) and for another thing the “worse” pain is like the same level as being pinch. If you pinch yourself or get hubby to do it – that’s about the level of pain. It’s uncomfortable but hopefully not unbearable.

    Finally: you did not fail! So don’t feel bad about yourself. It is crappy luck and sometimes our bodies don’t do what we want them to do. It’s okay to be disappointed but try not to worry too much about IVF. I think you will be able to deal with it just fine. You’re a strong person and you’ve been through so much. This will not be a walk in the park but it’s completely within your ability! I hope you enjoy your holiday – the pics look amazing. I’m sending you hugs xx

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      • I’m glad! I am sorry your IUI didn’t work out. IVF isn’t particularly fun but it isn’t that bad if you end up with a baby. It is a bit inconvenient and you feel awkward at times but I can assure you that the pain level is low! X

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      • No it is called sedation. So apparently you’re just deeply relaxed or whatever. But to me it felt like I was asleep. I fell asleep on the bed and woke up in a chair where they put you to recover! I just wanted to sleep for the rest of the day – I had to get up so we could go home, but it really felt to me like I’d been asleep and I was still really dozy! It wasn’t traumatic at all. My tummy hurt a bit once the painkillers had worn off but it wasn’t unbearable. X

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      • Oh yeah. They dose you up whilst you’re “under”! It wasn’t terrible. Like tummy ache. And I think the fact that you have had your eggs collected makes you feel better about it!

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  3. I have no advice about IVF, but I do want to let you know that so many of your feelings about failure resonate with me. I work hard to remember that you cannot fail at something you are not in control of, and remember you are not in control of the result of the IUI’s or IVF. I find it very hard to accept the lack of control, but I think you are an amazingly strong women and hopefully you will come to recognize that you are not in control and you are most definitely not a failure.

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  4. I’m so sorry your IUI didn’t work. AF really is the annoying aunt who you don’t like but who pops in anyway. You’re so brave to be looking into these treatments that trigger so many hard feelings for you. I admire your courage, and you were obviously meant to be a mom. You’re putting yourself through something that is scary and awful for your child. I think that’s amazing. For my mini IVF they’re giving me pain meds but I’ll be awake. Maybe you could ask if they have an alternative to being put under?

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  5. Oh no hon, I’m so sorry it didn’t work. I know how it feels so bad to go through all of this and not get your take home baby, but for you especially even more so after every hurdle you have had to face so far to get here.
    The first time doing IVF is not easy for anyone and I can understand you will face extra challenges to make it. But the reward will be so, so sweet. we can always help you out by telling you exactly what to expect so there are no horrible surprises. Do you think you have made a good connection with the doctors and nurses? I think this helps a lot.
    Enjoy your holiday and give your body a well deserved rest 🙂 it looks absolutely gorgeous, we are thinking of going there around Christmas time 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ty, so much!! That will be a big help!
      In relation to the Drs & nurses…I’m not sure, honestly. We aren’t really sure if we are happy with the care we’ve been getting at this particular location…I don’t like that they aren’t open on weekends in case a particular day lands on one of those days…I don’t like neither of us has had any bloodworm…& they don’t take the time to really explain anything to us. The doctor spends maybe 5-10 minutes with us…/:
      Thank you!!! We LOVE it here, definitely coming back!!

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  6. I’m so sorry you were unsuccessful. Sending you loads of hugs. I agree with everything Nara is saying about the sedation. As for IVF. It wasn’t that bad for me either. Try to take the good with the bad. I think it brought me and hubby closer together as he did all my shots and it was a fun bonding time. I have a tendency to not ask questions during appointments so my advice would be to ask immediately if something doesn’t make sense. All the best with your IVF consult. We’re all here for you! xx

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