Bitter is The New Black

infertility TX fund jar

It’s everywhere I look, in everything I see. I’m not proud of it but, if we’re being honest here, my vision is clouded with the ugly debris 24/7. It’s a constant.

My precious nephew was born this weekend. I got the call around 7 am on Saturday, jumped in the Mustang & made the 2 & a half hour drive a two hour shot.

Then again, maybe bitter isn’t the right word here. Not as far as he is concerned anyway. I love my nephew fiercely & his birth will always be one of the single most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. It was truly beautiful & no words can describe what a special moment witnessing it was.

The bitterness sets in when I think of all the comments, just like the baby shower experience, I knew were coming…comments I was dreading in the deepest part of me.

“When are you going to have a baby?”

“Do you have any kids?”

“Does holding him make you want one more?”

Hmm…lets see. We’re currently seeing a fertility specialist…took clomid-AKA the devil pill-, suffered the spear of the trigger shot, had a follicle ultrasound, AND underwent our 1st IUI last Friday. All while having PTSD that makes any gynecology procedure a living hell. Did I mention the fact that, after the IUI, I had all kinds of fun with heaviness in my abdomen, so much so, that I’ve barely been able to walk these past few days? I’m pretty confident my 85 year old grandfather could out-walk me at this point. Not to mention the constipation & crazy amount of emotions from all these damn hormones.

Nah, we don’t a baby at all. We’re doing all this stuff for shits & giggles. We’re currently in the 2 week wait but we’re just like ahhh, lets see what happens.

It’s comments like these that make what we’re going through on this rocky road of infertility even more devastating. Especially when some of the comments came from my family, who know exactly what we are doing to TRY to have a baby. My brother-in-law’s family said some things in reference to having children but at least they didn’t know our situation. They had no idea about the why & I can’t blame them for it. It’s a sucker punch to the gut for my family to say these things. After all, it wasn’t like the desire to have a baby wasn’t beaming in the front of my mind while I was experiencing his magical birth. Or when I held his little 5 pound body in my arms & he smiled at me. He is the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen & is perfect in every way. Who wouldn’t want a baby, whether undergoing infertility treatments or not, after seeing that sweet face?

Thankfully, I did have some light in the last few days in the most unexpected of places. Two friends I hadn’t spoken with in months & years sent me sweet messages to let me know they were thinking of me. While they noted it was very obvious I was in love with my nephew, they acknowledged it was probably very painful for me at the same time & told me they were there if I needed to vent. That’s all I can really ask of anyone while we navigate this uncharted ground. A ground filled with appointments, procedures, drugs, needles, & the hovering uncertainty that is in every corner. Saying it hurts is the biggest of understatements…but having someone sit beside you & say they understand how hurtful it must be for you makes all the difference. I can only hope we will experience more of that & less of ignorant, insensitive comments that sting me much more than any trigger shot ever could.

Now that I feel I’ve furthered depressed myself, I’ll leave you with a few pictures of the most adorable little face I’ve ever seen. ❤

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