taking steps is easy….standing still is hard

waiting

i’ve never been very good at waiting.

when i was growing up (& still today) my dad calls me Chester on occasions when my cup of patience is drained too fast. Chester was his father & my grandfather….who-surprise, surprise-also did not like to wait.

even my husband, who has more patience than Jobe btw, often asks me the following rhetorical question: “You don’t like to wait do you?”

rhetorical because he, & anyone else who knows me well, knows the answer is absolutely not. ever.

don’t get me wrong, i am not some mad woman in line a second too long at the supermarket who starts throwing cans at cashiers & scaring babies. i can cope with every day situations. my problem begins anytime i’m feeling trapped. any time i can’t seem to move onto the next phase of my life until X happens.

currently, the world of infertility & all its headaches (both literal & figuratively) are burning into my short rope of patience. coming into this, i knew it would likely be a long process. please don’t misunderstand that. i did not know, however, things would become more & more drawn out the further we got into it. it all started when my husband had a semen analysis, which uncovered our issues in being able to start our family. instead of moving on instantly, we were told the test needed to be repeated in another month. so again we waited….same results. finally, we got to schedule an actual meeting with the fertility specialist who reviewed our results & went over the game plan. huddled together in the meeting room, resembling a living room like area, he told us that he felt our odds at IUI working looked pretty good. he had seen worse. first, he told me to call the office when i started my period to schedule the HSG test. he explained that the test, sometimes, increases fertility by 40% for a few months. if that didn’t work, he handed me another paper with a prescription of clomid. which brings me to my current dilemma & exhausted patience (too soon, i know) in this world of a frustrating process.

our fertility specialist told me to start the pills the third day of my cycle, call the office to schedule an ultrasound/trigger shot, & then try round one of IUI. sounds simple enough, right? nope. my body-apparantly-had other plans. TMI alert on reading further (can’t say i didn’t warn ya!). later Thursday night, after fooling around, i bled….a lot. since then, i spotted up til this afternoon…i wasn’t suppose to start until today & what happened did not even resemble a period, with the exception of the crime scene of Thursday night. i’ve only spotted since then…landing me in this world of confusion on what to do now. if what happened was in fact a period, i should be starting the clomid tonight…i’m not sure how i am suppose to know if i had one, or not at this point so here i am…wanting to bang my head against a desk & cry….all before starting the hormonal crazy train of clomid. overall, i am freaking out because i don’t want to mess this up. i don’t want to mess up a very expensive round of IUI, clomid, shots, & ultrasounds. all because my body is all, “f*&! you, Cesilee!” this month.

i called the nurse Friday to explain what had happened so far to her. she told me starting between day 3 & 5 wasn’t that much of a big deal. so i guess i’ll wait (my favorite!) until tomorrow to see what happens. if nothing, my husband & i think i should start the pills then.

&………..we wait

has anyone else had a similar dilemma in starting clomid?

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3 thoughts on “taking steps is easy….standing still is hard

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